You Want Me To What?

If walking and cycling is good for your health, my postman will be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish and is fat. A rabbit runs and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run and barely walks, yet lives for 450 years and you want me to exercise?

Okay, I'm not saying it's not good to walk every day and a little exercise never hurt anyone, but things like running and the daily gym are out of the question. As it is, each morning I get up, it takes me an hour and a cup of coffee just to clear my head and get my heart started.

My pal, Wally, sent me this wealth of information, yet every time I see a picture of him, he's building something or repairing tools....always on the move, doing something. I have to admire his "get up and go", but my "get up and go", "got up and went" years ago.

I do occasionally make my way to AREA 51 to lift a scothch and dance a bit, but I make sure that it's not a long, fast song. I made that mistake a few years ago when Johnnie Walker Black goaded me into inviting a strikingly beautiful young lass to dance a meringue, a fast paced Latin dance.

Johnnie Walker Black and Mr. Testosterone urged me to "tear it up" while my racing heart kept telling both of them that it wanted to sit down. I finished the dance in style but I checked my cell phone to see if I still had 911 on speed dial. I think I'm going to stick with the tortoises in the future.....

The News As I See It: Tonight, President Obozo will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago, Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. Hey, now that’s progress!

Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: "Now hiring!" Sixteen of Gingrich’s top staff quit last week, and yesterday, two of his top fundraisers quit. He’s not even president and he’s already raising the unemployment rate.

President Obozo and House Speaker John Bawler played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap was Joe O'Biden. The team of Obozo and Bawler beat the team of Vice President Joe O'Biden and Ohio Governor John Katshit. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.

A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. Maybe they can build a big wall.....

NBC has apologized for editing out the words "under God" from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They’re also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with "Hail Satan."

The Florida Marlins just named 80-year-old Jack McKeon their new manager. It wasn’t a great start. Tonight, he had to make four trips to the mound and 12 trips to the bathroom.

Congressman Anthony Weiner contacted Nancy Pelosi to let her know he was resigning. Weiner let her know by texting her a picture of his penis cleaning out its desk.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874 Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters.

1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights. 1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died.

Picture Of The Day: I never really worry too much about mortality but, evidently, there is a way to make sure your children come to visit your grave. Oh, and then there's the "Full Metal Jacket" Pic.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A man realizes he getting older when the term "skid marks" has nothing to do with tires. 2) An invisible ugly man married an invisible ugly woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 3) As the Jolly Green Giant says, there's nothing like a good pea. 4) Never marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them. 5) Take a lesson from President Obozo. Remember, even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 22: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when three thugs arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone." God says, "Who, the thugs?" Saint Peter says, "No, the Pearly Gates."

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies and wondered whatever happened to Tarzan. So they decided to look for him and ask him a few questions. Finally, they located him, and one of the critics asked "Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?" Tarzan said, "Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis and I can't swim any more or jump from branch to branch."

The critic asked, "What about Jane, Tarzan?" Tarzan said, "Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't know who I am anymore." The second critic said, "What a shame. What can you tell us about your son Boy?" Tarzan said, "Well, we don't see much of Boy lately. He stopped going to school and he only comes around to see us when he needs money or a favor."

The first critic said, "That's sad, Tarzan. What about Cheetah? Have you heard anything about her?" Tarzan replied, "Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well. She married a lawyer and is now living at the White House."

A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They've been to the movies and return to her home where she lives with her father. They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the living room, while the old man watches TV in the back room. The girl is the apple of his eye so naturally, he's worried about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching TV and walks to the living room.

The father says, "Hi baby doll, could you make me a cup of tea?" His daughter says, "Of course,Dad," and trots off into the kitchen to make the coffee. Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word. He says, "Look son, I remember when I was your age, going out with girls and trying my luck. The thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."

The lad says, "Why, what's wrong with her?" Her father cagily replies, "Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina." The lad says, "Oh, I know. She's got a great pair of tits too!"

That's it for today my little goat herders. Remember, a diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !