Just Follow These Simple Instructions.....

I'm not a computer tech but I have learned that it's best to read the instructions prior to making changes to my computer. That said, today I upgraded the memory on my computer mainly because the intolerable shrieking noise it was making reminded me too much of some ex-wives and ex-girlfriends.

The reason I bring up instructions is that they sadly do not add Murphy's Law into the equation, thus rendering said instructions useless. Oh yeah, the technical part of it was 90% correct. I say 90% because the instructions (both written and via video) showed the tech simply "clicking in" the new memory card. Well, it eventually did click in, after I applied enough pressure to slightly cut my hand.

Of course, my hand decided to react to the cut as if it had been severed in two and bled like a stuck pig right into the computer. This is the part where Mr. Murphy decided to put in his two cents worth and I decided to create new curse words to spout out to no one in particular.

After Murphy's Law kicked in, I realized that the only part that was missing was for my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway (AKA Shithead) to sit down on the memory card (which he did). As I reached over to shoo him away, my glasses fell off and I dropped the tiny part I was holding into the computer. Since I have a quick temper, I decided to take a walk and Shithead decided he'd heard enough and went to take a nap.

Bottom line, after I relaxed and had a beer, everything finally fell into place and my computer is now quietly humming as we speak. Oh, and Shithead's not speaking to me.....

The News As I See It: Prince William and wife Kate visited Skid Row while in Los Angeles. I think they want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CNN canceled Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN. I guess producers canceled it after they realized it was still on.

Democrats are warning that if the debt ceiling isn’t raised, the government will cease to function. How will we be able to tell?

The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they’ll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 fee.

Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears.

A toddler in China fell 10 stories out of a window and was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine. He didn’t even miss a day of work.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; Martin Luther King, Jr., was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to my pal Michelle for this beautiful picture that I pilfered from her Facebook page.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Just once, I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs. 2) Just once, I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness and perpetual health." 3) Just once, I'd like to see a woman show what's "really" in her bag. 4) Just once, I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers. 5) Just once, I'd like someone to call me "Sir," without adding, "You're making a scene".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 11th: Although I'm a Taurus, I suggest that you stay away from cats and computers for today. It may have nothing to do with you but it wasn't a very good idea for me today. I'm just saying.... On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with a nice glass of wine tonight and call a few friends to say hello. Hell, just call me......

Birthdays: My pal Ally. Happy Birthday sweetheart 19XX, Robert the Bruce, Scottish King 1274, Thomas Bowdler, editor 1754, John Quincy Adams, American president 1767, E. B. White, writer 1899, Yul Brynner, actor 1920.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An woman goes to a surgeon to get rid of her wrinkles. He tells her there is a new invention called "the knob" that gets installed in the back of the head. Any time you get more wrinkles, just turn the knob to tighten up the skin. She has it installed and everything is great for a year.

Then one day she comes back to the surgeon and complains about the bags under her eyes. He says "Let me take a look." The surgeon looks and says,"Those aren't bags, those are your boobs!" The woman replies. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, "What?" Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Murray, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. Believing he is dying on the sidewalk, the man gasps, "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd.....no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. The man says again, A Priest, please!"

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. The man says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, Monday is the root of all evil. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !