Beware: Comcast Customer Service Has Hired "Peggy" And His Whole Damned Family

I was having problems with my cable TV this weekend and I called Comcast after 6:00 pm Saturday night. After running the usual automated message gamut, an "executive" came on the line. After explaining my problem, he spoke to me in gibberish and I asked, "Peggy, is that you?"

Upon realizing I wasn't talking to someone in America, I asked to speak with a customer service representative in America. Naturally, I was sent back to point one and ran the gamut again only to be connected to an man named "Tommy" whose accent sounded like one of the store clerks at the local 7-11 convenience store. Once again, I asked to be connected to someone in America.

The next three calls were answered by a "Maria" who didn't understand English, a "Bobby" who said he was in Monterrey, Mexico and an "Alex." Right of the bat, I asked "Alex" if he was in America. He assured me he was and when I asked him what state. He answered, "Costa Rica." I said "Costa Rica, that's in America?" He said, "Yes, Central America"

I told Alex, "Let me narrow it a bit down for you, Alex. Could you transfer me to a customer service representative within the borders of the United States? You're really making me start to miss 'Peggy'!"

Needless to say, another American company outsources one of the most important necessities in its business and still expects to continue to make money. But remember, the chainsaw-wielding customer is always right.

The News As I See It: In August of 1861, the federal income tax went into effect. Back in those days, there were a lot of robbers and thieves, so the government rounded them up and formed the IRS. Those who were left over became politicians.

In the movie "Rise of the Planet of the Apes," not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans.

About a year ago, the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before, the feel-good story was Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger, who safely landed his plane in the Hudson River. So what's the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner!

A belated happy birthday to President Obama. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate. Obama had a big birthday bash in Chicago. The interesting part was that the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake.

This Date In History: 1588; English forces attacked the Spanish Armada, permanently crippling Spain's "invincible" fleet. 1786; Dr. Michael-Gabriel Paccard and Jacques Balmat became the first to climb Mont Blanc. 1876; Thomas Edison patented the mimeograph machine.

1900; The first Davis Cup tennis tournament began at the Longwood Cricket Club in Brookline, Massachusetts. 1963 In "The Great Train Robbery," some 15 thieves robbed the Glasgow-to-London mail train, making off with more than $6 million in cash.

1969; Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman Polanski, and four others were murdered by members of Charles Manson's "family." 1974; President Nixon announced he would resign the following day as a result of the Watergate scandal.

Picture Of The Day: I thought the photoshop gang did a pretty good job on this "lemon grenande".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2) If I crack corn and no one cares, why is there a song about me? 3) Did you ever notice that Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? 4) I was tired last week and I went to AREA 51 to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-wife. 5) I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 8th: After this past weekend, I bet you are looking forward to some peace and quiet. Chances are that it will happen, but if I were you, I'd turn my answering machine on, just in case. You know how imposing some people are. If you're still thinking about getting another pet, just remember the mess on the dining room carpet last year. Romance is making it's way towards you! Remember what I told you about clean underwear......

Birthdays: Charles Bulfinch, architect 1763, Matthew Henson, arctic explorer 1866, Sara Teasdale, poet 1884, Emiliano Zapata, Mexican revolutionary 1879, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author 1896, Dustin Hoffman, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." The little girl says, "No, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. The little girl asks, "What are they doing, Grandma?" The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

The little girl says, "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" Grandma asks, "How do you mean?" The little girl says, "Offer someone a helping hand and they'll screw you every time!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying Delta Airlines."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant announced, "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 732 to Miami. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

That's it for today my little tiddly winks. Remember, a gentleman always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age, except for Peggy. He's 43. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !