What Can American Political Leaders Screw Up Next?

Well, It's month eight of "Let's find a way to further screw up the economy", headed chiefly by those zany, thieving politicians whose antics keep us on our toes. You have to understand that, by definition, most politicians are not too bright. If they were, they'd be escaping on golden parachutes right about now.

Nay, my little buttercups, politicians trek through life unaware of the definition of economics and morality, staying steadfast to their plans to steal or spend as much monies as they can get away with. The few who are already wealthy and/or educated, are only serving in politics to fluff their egos and further their legacies.

You see, smart people don't become politicians. Smart people make as much as 100 times more than politicians and have no time for, or interest in, the politics of America. They do, however, use these little pinheads to further their own interest by contributing directly or indirectly to the politician's pockets.

So, be patient, my little gun-toters, politicians are doing the best that they can considering what they have to work with. Just remember how well you've done since the last election and vote for the best of the losers in 2012.

The News As I See It: Finally, we have a ceiling debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally? It’s what they call a "two-step" deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.

The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. An "in-depth" conversation with an idiot? I’ll just take the groping.

McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. That’s nice - When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they’re like, "Cool! I made this."

The unemployment rate in Mexico is so low that illegal immigrants are sneaking back into Mexico. Single handedly, Obama has solved the illegal immigration problem.

The new debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another "Smurfs" movie before 2014.

This Date In History: 1492; Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain. 1914 Germany declared war on France. 1923; Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th president of the United States, following the death of Warren G. Harding.

1949; The National Basketball Association was formed. 1958; The nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. 1981; U.S. air traffic controllers went on strike.

1987; A 22-cent stamp honoring author William Faulkner was issued. Its first-day cancellation was held in Oxford, Miss., where Faulkner had served as postmaster from 1921 until his resignation in 1924 following accusations of negligence. 1987; The Iran-Contra hearings ended.

Picture Of The Day: The bottle Absolutely says it all.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have recently learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 2) Last year on vacation, I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell. 'Cut!'" 3) Imagine if you were a drummer and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of drum sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

4) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! 5) Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Jimmy's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Jimmy's Pizza locations.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 3rd: It's hump day and a great excuse to party on your birthday. It should also be easy on your wallet 'cause everyone will buy you a birthday drink, except for that one person you've been stalking. No matter, the weather will be good and chances are you'll find a little love when the sun goes down. Don't go ugly early.....

Birthdays: My pal and the only other person I know who is as insane as I am, John "Johnny G" Garnett. Happy Birthday Brother! 19XX, Elisha Otis, inventor 1811, Rupert Brooke, poet 1887, P. D. James, mystery novelist 1920, Tony Bennett (Anthony Dominick Benedetto), Singer 1926, Martin Sheen, actor 1940, Martha Stewart, entrepreneur 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I'm lost and I can't find my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The small boy replied, "Grandpa." The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the present time, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when all the trouble started.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Joe, the farmer, was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches!"

A guy walks into a bar with a piano entertainer, sits down and orders a beer. The piano player's monkey soon jumps on the bar and and takes a leak in the guy's beer. The guy yells to the piano player, "Hey, do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?" The piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I might remember it!"

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday and quit drinking!" Just then, a parking place appeared - the closest one imaginable. The man looked up again and said, "Never mind Lord, I just found one."

That's it for today my little elves. Remember, live life as a dog does. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Lord knows, some of the girls I've dated have. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !