When I Was Younger.....

When I was 12, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. She was a drama queen and everything was an emergency. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

The News As I See It: Republicans are having trouble luring New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie. Christie vetoed a tax break for "Jersey Shore." The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. They're eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids.

Andy Rooney is stepping down from "60 Minutes." CBS announced that they’ll be replacing him with Ashton Kutcher. Whoever they get to replace Andy will have some big eyebrows to fill.

The two American hikers have been released from Iran and they’re trying to reintroduce them to American culture. Right now, they’re in a screening room outside of Washington, going through Jennifer Aniston comedies. There was no communication for the two years they were captive. There were a couple of emails from Anthony Weiner, but that’s it.

Obama was in San Diego and traffic was a huge mess. There was even a three-hour backup tunneling in from Mexico. Obama says he will be reforming No Child Left Behind. That’s not to be confused with Michelle Obama’s childhood obesity campaign, "No Child Left With a Big Behind."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm a dinner jacket") gave a speech last week at the U.N. and a lot of delegates walked out, just before he really tore into Netflix.

Obama arrived 25 minutes late for a luncheon at the U.N. In fact he was so late, he had to sit next to O'Biden at the kids table.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began. 1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal."

1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days. 1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia.

1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. 1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: Please excuse today's pictures. They are a product of a hump day mentality....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, "corn-off-the-cob." 2) At the end of a letter, I like to write, "P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana? 4) Just once I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs. 5) If you wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean, you may be a Muslim.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - September 28th: Hump day's a great day of the week for a birthday. You can get semi-blitzed tonight at happy hour as you and your co-workers celebrate and still look forward to a rousing weekend birthday bash. A word of caution.....avoid over medicating because you'll need those drugs to go to work tomorrow. The possibility of romance is 67 percent, then again, I said romance not sex, so don't get your hopes up.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter 1573, Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The old guy says, "Listen up, damn it, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The old man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager said, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

An old man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention. She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior." The old man said, "Really?, What kind of myths?"

The young woman said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction. People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern men have the best stamina".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The old man said. "Tonto....Tonto Lipschitz, but my friends call me Bubba !"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know exactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux says, "Whats a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

Well, the next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him the biggest boa constricter that they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose right in the middle and just sat there and watched. Thibodeaux watched for a long time and nothing happened. The big snake just curled up in the middle of the barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and the rats just ran all around.

Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux says, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux says,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best thing to use for a reptile dysfunction."

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today my little octopi. Remember. if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !