I Started Out As A Child

I remember the Hurricane of 1948 or 1949 (too young to remember the exact year). Our home was near the Tamiami Trail in Miami, in those days, we lived where the future Palmetto Expressway crossed the "Trail", almost in the Everglades. Dad took us to Doctor Roberts' Hotel to pass the storm. The next day, at home, Mom wanted to get the mail, but it was flooded so bad that she had to wade to the mailbox.

The problem was that critters such as alligators, snakes and rats were also seeking higher ground and she was afraid to leave my brother and I alone to get the mail. So she took the two square washing tubs that received the clothes from the ringer on the washing machine and tied them together with rope. She put my brother in one tub and me in the other. She then tied the two tubs to her waist and with meat cleaver in hand, waded to the mailbox, my brother and I floating in tow, and got the mail. I remember that as if it were yesterday.

The News As I See It: A truck carrying Obama's podium and teleprompter was stolen from a hotel in Virginia. When asked about the incident, Obama had nothing to say. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's redundant and spreading a message of hope.

Herman Cain says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans.

The Ford Motor Company is installing a new feature in their cars which reads text messages out loud to the driver. That's cool, this amazing new feature is called a "passenger."

On this day in 1867, the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. About six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China. One town in Alaska is called Deadhorse. Another one is called Manley hot springs, which is also the name of a club in San Francisco.

This Date In History: 1781; British General Cornwallis surrendered to General George Washington at Yorktown, Va., bringing an end to the last major battle of the American Revolution. 1812; French troops under Napoleon Bonaparte began their retreat from Moscow. 1960; The United States imposes a partial embargo on goods exported to Cuba.

1983; The Senate passed a bill making Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, birthday a public holiday. 1987; The stock market crashed on what came to be known as "Black Monday." Stocks dropped a record 508 points, or 22.6%, topping the drops on October 28 and 29 in 1929 that ushered in the Great Depression.

Picture Of The Day: Just practicing for Halloween..... I saw this little ditty and it struck my fancy, so.......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares. 2) Some people are like Slinkies....not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and you're on your own. 4) My ex-wife said "If you go fishing one more time I'm going to leave you." 5) Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - October 19th: Don't let the rain get you down, just keep looking for that rainbow. As the poet Joe E. Brown once said, "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze." This has nothing to do with your horoscope, but it made me laugh, so I threw it in. Anyhoo, the rains should cease by the pm and assuming that no one has pms, it should be a fruitful evening.

Birthdays: Thomas Browne, author and physician 1605, Edmund Beecher Wilson, zoologist 1856, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, baseball player 1876, Lewis Mumford, social philosopher 1895, Jack Anderson, newspaper columnist 1922, John le Carré, novelist 1931, John Lithgow, actor 1945, Philip Pullman, writer 1946, Evander Holyfield, world heavyweight champion boxer 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman, "Sorry, I seemed to have left my wallet at home. I'll come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.....enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes..." Her husband says, "Thank God, for a minute I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A young guy is vactioning alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreling. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club. So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women.

He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, "Man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course, by beautiful women. That night, he finds the old man again and asks for more help. The wise old man responds, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks."

A man went fishing this morning but after a short time he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are great bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in his bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

He grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp. He released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.A little later, he felt a nudge on his foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the south when you're fishing with Jack Daniels!

A man stumbles up to a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Noticing the only other man at the bar, he tells the bartender to buy him a drink. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" The second man replies, "I'm from Miami, but my Dad was born in Alabama." The first man says, "What a coincidence my Dad's from Alabama too! Let's have another round to Alabama." The second man says, "Good idea!"

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Alabama is your Dad from?" The second man replies, "Tuscaloosa." The first man says, "I can't believe it. My Dad's from Tuscaloosa too! Let's have another drink to Tuscaloosa." The second man says, "For sure!"

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" The second man, "Hialeah High school. I graduated in '64." The first man says, "This is unbelievable! I went to Hialeah High too and graduated in '63!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. The regular says the bartender, "Hey Tom, what's going on?" The bartender says, "Nothing much, same old thing. Mondays are slow and the Sullivan brothers are drunk again."

That's it for today my little snowflakes. Remember, alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. It's happy hour time at AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !