It's All In How You Slice It !

I went to Publix early Sunday morning to buy some sweet ham because, on Thursday's shopping trip, I neglected to check my refrigerator to see what I needed. Nevertheless, I took advantage of the early hour to get in and out of the store quickly. Evidently, I am not the first person to come up with this plan.

I am not a morning person. I do not have, nor have I ever had, a morning smiley face. No one in my family has ever uttered a single word until after the morning cup of coffee. That said, there I was, surrounded by morning people, chattering and smiling like a group of chipmunks.

When my number was finally called, I ordered my ham and left the rest of the smiley people who seemed more than content to remain in the herd and mentally graze at the display case.

On my way to the register, I momentarily pondered purchasing Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream which was on special (buy one, get one free) but abstained since I had already purchased two on Thursday.

When I got home, I opened the ham to sample a slice and that's when I noticed that I had failed to asked the clerk to slice the ham thinly. Sweet ham must be sliced thinly for a good sandwich. Frustrated, I tried to wrest with the fact that I had made the mistake and I would live with it.

I took solace in the fact that my cat, Shithead, loves sliced ham and he was right beside me, patiently awaiting his share of the ham. I smiled and gave him two large pieces of ham. I felt good knowing that at least my cat would benefit from my error.

Shithead voraciously ate his ham and after wiping off his mouth with his paw, turned to me and said, "Hey Jimmy, they sliced the ham too thick."

The News As I See It: Saint Patrick's Day parties were a huge success. This is the day that people get so drunk, they're willing to eat Irish food. It's ironic that this was the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency and he still hasn't created a green job.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance last week before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. There's a good chance it's probably another former Illinois governor.

Obama said he's set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He'd look into it himself, but he's busy going to fundraisers and working on his NCAA tournament brackets.

More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.

Rick Santorum says if elected president, he'll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Guys are gonna be leaving in droves.

The English press is reporting that Prince Harry is a little depressed. Prince Harry wishes he was a normal 27-year-old guy. He's got no job. He can't commit to a relationship. He still lives at home. He is a normal 27-year-old.

This Date In History: 1853; During the Taiping Rebellion in China, the rebels captured Nanking and renamed it T'en-ching (Heavenly Capital). 1920; The United States Senate voted down signing the Treaty of Versailles for the second time.

1931; Nevada state legislature legalized gambling. 1953; The Academy Awards were first televised. 1996; Sarajevo became a united city again after four years when Moslem-Croat authorities took control of the last district held by Serbs.

2003; Operation Iraqi Freedom is launched with air strikes on Baghdad, the beginning of the war with Iraq (March 20 in Iraq). 2003; Mahmoud Abbas became prime minister of Palestine. He would later succeed Yasir Arafat as head of the PLO and president of the Palestinian Authority.

Picture Of The Day: Like the Energizer Bunny, it keeps growing and growing and growing.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People are just like government. They tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 2) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 3) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems but, then again, neither does milk. 4) The word "vegetarian" comes from the Native American Navajo nation unwritten dictionary, meaning "lousy hunter". 5) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 19th: Even though today is Monday, things will proceed in an orderly manner for you. Things will literally fall into your lap, so be careful with coffee. Chance of romance is 14.32 percent yet your chance of sex is 72.33 percent. Go figure....

Birthdays: David Livingstone, missionary and explorer 1813, Richard Francis Burton, explorer 1821, Wyatt Earp, law officer 1848, William Jennings Bryan, American political leader 1860, Earl Warren, jurist 1891, Philip Roth, author 1933, Glenn Close, actress 1947, Bruce Willis, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She says, "Okay....Fred's dead. Buick for sale"

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh dear. How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable. As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, the woman to her right said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. Bartender, please give me another Scotch, with two drops of water." The bartender said, "Coming up."

As she finished that drink, another man said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."As the bartender gave her the drink, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman smiled and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" His mother replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

Satisfied, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, no one is really listening until you fart. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !