We Were So Poor That.....

As a child, I never really knew we were poor. I knew we weren't rich but I didn't know we didn't have much money. In those days, there weren't any computers or video games and fun was something that was free. There was always a game of football or baseball going on or we played marbles or threw yoyos or tops.

For the most part, growing up was fairly normal. I remember that Brother Kirt used to think he was a chicken. We never mentioned it because we needed the eggs. Times were tough when I was a a lad, but we managed to get through our childhood years without any major problems. Brother Kirt still has a tendency to scratch dirt with his toes and flap his arms after a few beers.

The one thing good about being poor was that it was inexpensive. Yet there were families in the neighborhood that had it worse. One family was so poor, they would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.

My father told us we didn't have it so bad. He told us that he was so poor that he had to walk 3 miles to school each day, barefoot, in the snow, up hill......both ways. Dad said his family was so poor they went into vaudeville just so people would throw fruit and vegetables at them.

Ok, maybe I've stretched this story a bit, but I'd be willing to bet that everyone has some sort of "poor" story. Looking back, it's rather amusing.....

The News As I See It: While visiting a GM plant, Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, "Make it one year and I'll buy it for you."

The U.S. beat Italy in soccer for the first time ever. America hasn't embarrassed Italy this badly since the first Olive Garden opened.

Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, "That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney."

Kid Rock gave Mitt Romney an endorsement. He also endorsed porn, Jack Daniels, and hepatitis C. Have you ever wondered why Mr. & Mrs. Rock named their son "Kid"? (I know, I know.....)

According to multiple news sources, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is pregnant. That's unusual because they don't usually mate in captivity. I read on Wikipedia that the average adult Snooki will give birth to a litter of between three and eight snooklets. She has yet to confirm the rumor. I guess we'll know she's pregnant when the vodka breaks.

The CEO of Pizza Hut said that when he was in college, he used to bring his dates to Pizza Hut. When asked where he brought them on the second date, he said there were no second dates.

A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he's not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama (you see, 1 human year equals 7 dog years, so....ah, forget it. You do the math).

Some sad news. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is reportedly in good condition after major surgery.

This Date In History: 1836; Texas declared its independence from Mexico. 1877; Rutherford B. Hayes was declared president by a U.S. electoral commission since the original result was too close to call. He was the only president elected this way.

1917; Puerto Rico became a U.S. territory and Puerto Ricans gained American citizenship. 1923; The first issue of Henry Luce's TIME magazine appeared on newsstands. 1933; King Kong, starring Fay Wray, premiered in New York City. 1949; Captain James Gallagher completed the first non-stop around the world flight. He completed the 23,452-mile journey in 94 hours, 1 minute.

1956; Morocco gained independence from France. 1962; Philadelphia Warriors center Wilt Chamberlain scored an NBA-record 100 points in a basketball game. 2001; The Taliban began the destruction of ancient Buddha statues in Afghanistan.

2008; Dmitri A. Medvedev, a former aide to Russian president Vladimir Putin who has never held elected office, won the Russian presidential election in a landslide. Putin remained in a position of power, serving as Medvedev's prime minister.

Picture Of The Day: Remembering Davy Jones.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows political potential. 2) The reason that it's hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking is that those men already have boyfriends. 3) I once saw six men beating up my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 4) I've got a friend who has been on so many blind dates, he got a free seeing-eye dog. 5) My friends wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 2nd: Thanks to Leap Year, your birthday falls on a Friday which means you'll probably have a hangover tomorrow, but you can sleep late. Be careful around any hot liquids today. Chance of romance is foggy so, going by your past, I'd say the odds are 60-40, in favor. Don't take advice from any tattooed woman named Peggy.

Birthdays: Samuel Houston, frontier hero and statesman 1793, Dr. Seuss, author of children's books 1904, Tom Wolfe, journalist and novelist 1931, Mikhail Gorbachev, political leader 1931, John Irving, writer 1942, Jon Bon Jovi, musician 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Granny replied, "Oh no, my dear, many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes..." Her husband says, "Thank God! I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three American tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching a town with the unusual name of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

Three men got married to Latin women. The first man married a woman from Venezuela. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Mexico. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Cuba. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his wife's stuffed Easter bunny, between his wife's legs to cover her exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner!"

That's it for today, my little sweet potatos. Remember, you're spending too much time on Facebook when you're hoping that your friends are interested in what you ate in the last half hour. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !