Sssshhhh !

I don't go to movie theaters anymore.....haven't gone in almost 25 years. It's not that I don't enjoy the theaters. It's that I cannot stomach idiots with cell phones that constantly ring and morons who aren't bright enough to know that the characters on screen can't hear them.

Back in the day, there were ushers with flashlights who were quick to shine their lights on people who used the seat in front of them to prop up their feet. Talking was limited to whispers and even then, the ushers were Johnny-on-the-spot to remind you that talking was frowned upon.

Further dating myself, admission was 15 cents and you could get a hot dog and a coke for one dollar. Popcorn was 15 cents and hot butter was 5 cents extra. The theaters were always clean and most people minded their manners. The few who didn't were quickly ejected.

Today's prices for admission and food require taking out a small loan. Combine that with the lack of decorum, constant talking and rude manners and you have a recipe for a very bad experience.

Additionally, the lack of quality movies and the advent of pay-per-view movies on cable encourage me to watch movies in the comfort of my own home. More importantly, at my house, the food is free and the consumption of Johnnie Walker Black scotch is highly encouraged.....

The News As I See It: I've been following the John Edwards trial. I don't know what kind of president he would have been but he would have gotten along great with the Secret Service.

The Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, "I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama."

Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches."

In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.

A new concept to deal with the problem of illegal immigration at the U.S.-Mexican border is to allow all Mexicans to legally enter the United States. The only requirement would be that they would have to join the military. Subsequently, the United States would declare war on Mexico and invade the country. Problem solved !

This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli. 1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.

1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record held since 1927.

1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II. 1993; Eritrea (who?) declared itself independent.

Picture Of The Day: The pizza's here!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a very hectic day yesterday. I was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. 2) If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody. 3) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 4) The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. 5) My friend called me today and told me he was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, his savings and Social Security, he called the Suicide Lifeline. He got a call center in Pakistan and when he told them he felt suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if he could drive a truck.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 27th: Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. Today's journey begins with a cash advance and a positive attitude. Being polite and courteous will not help you to edge your car onto the freeway. Chance of romance is 62.59 percent but don't go for the obviously easy one. They've had so many blind dates, they should get a free seeing eye dog.

Birthdays: My sweet daughter Jeannette - Happy Birthday my love 19XX, My beautiful pal Cary - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, My talented pal Bobby and my friend Raymond. Happy Birthday all! 19XX, Mary Wollstone, craft author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse inventor 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th president of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis author 1904, Coretta Scott King civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson playwright 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore The captain of the ship and the man began talking, "I thought I'd never get rescued." The captain asked, "How long have you been here?" The man replied, "Ten years."

The captain asked, "How have you coped with all that time alone?" The man answered, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish." The captain said, "But ten years without sex?" The man replied,  "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head in the sand. I crept up behind it and....."

The captain gasped, "Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would pull up her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an old man in a wheelchair. Flipping up her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!" The old man sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll have the soup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body, went first. He said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. When I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "Brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. Then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down a hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!"

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint.

He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, first you pillage, then you burn. AREA 51 is my destination this evening for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !