There's something about a three day weekend that renders me somewhat useless for the remainder of the following week. I thinks that's partially because of the continuing bombardment of Memorial Day sales on television and the junk mail flyers touting huge discounts on overpriced items.
The unfortunate part is that on most three day weekends, the majority of my monies are usually invested in recreational libation and social gatherings at the local AREA 51 parks and playgrounds, thus rendering extended holiday sales and discounts useless.
Be that as it may, my get up and go seems to have got up and went so the remainder of this week will hopefully ebb and wain in a timely manner as June sets upon us, AREA 51 antics and missions notwithstanding.
The News As I See It: A Pakistani doctor who helped the CIA hunt for Osama bin Laden has been convicted of high treason in Pakistan. He was sentenced to 33 years in prison for helping us. Think how much worse the sentence would have been if Pakistan wasn't our ally.
On Memorial Day, America's favorite Canadian, Justin Bieber was wanted for questioning by the Los Angeles sheriff's department. Apparently Bieber had an altercation with a photographer. Bieber went all Mel Gibson on some dude. Now Justin's on the lam, considered armed and adorable. The photographer says he was roughed up by Justin Bieber. He had to go to the hospital. Doctors say he'll live, but his masculinity will never fully recover. The guy probably will sue Justin Bieber for some cash. But he will be known for the rest of his life as the guy who got beat up by Justin Bieber. How much is that worth to you?
Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack said, "I’m game!"
At the Twins-White Sox game in Chicago, Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch. And as predicted, the pitch was pretty high.
Former President Bill Clinton posed for pictures with his arms around two women, both of whom turned out to be famous porn stars. See, this is why I miss Clinton. He was like a president and a Secret Service agent all rolled into one.
Last week, a solar-powered plane attempted to fly more than 1,500 miles. It was going great until the plane encountered a slight technical problem — night.
This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed.
1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun. 1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft.
1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. An earthquake on February 4th in the same area had killed about 2,300.
Picture Of The Day: It may be a bit crude, but you've got to admit, that's one big ass balloon......
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. 2) Six men were kicking and punching my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 3) The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 4) Politics is the art of looking for a problem, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. 5) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 30th: Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake, especially if your loved one happens to drive a very large bus and suddenly loses the brakes while driving towards your house. Be careful today as you may find yourself in an elevator with a close friend who likes their beans. Chance of romance is 61.74 percent excluding anyone you might encounter in an elevator.
Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908 Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, professional football player 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. The rabbi exclaimed. "Wal-mart? Why Wal-Mart?" The old woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week."
An old man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." Bill replied, "But doctor, I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Bill asked excitedly, "And that will cure me?" The doctor replied, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" The doctor replied, "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.
Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . Poof!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then Poof!.....she was gone.
After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows." Dave yells back, "Don't swing Fred, don't swing!!"
That's it for today, my little goobers. Remember, a friend is someone that will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. Happy hour in AREA 51 is my destination this evening. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
I take this time for a moment of reflection in memory of the many men and women of the armed forces who have faithfully served their country. May God bless each and every one of them.
Acronyms can be confusing at times. I'm a bit dyslexci and it's important to know the full definition of every acronym you may encounter or hear about.
For example, the acronym STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease and should not be confused with FTD, which stands for Florists' Transworld Delivery. In this particular case you may want to make sure that you're giving flowers and not a gift that keeps on returning.
It would also be a major mistake to install ADT (American District Telegraph), a home security company, in a home where someone has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).
Transportation Security Administration (TSA) supposedly protects the nation's transportation systems to ensure freedom of movement for people and commerce. The reality of it all is that after the over abundance of intrusive body checks, scans and pat-downs, it's probably just a sick extension of T and A movie makers (you figure that one out).
There are a few acronyms, however, that you may not be aware of. For example, DELTA stands for Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive and PMS is short for Potential Murder Suspect.
The News As I See It: ABC premiered a new singing competition show last week. What a novel idea. It's about time somebody did one of those. I think a good name might be "American Idol."
The Center for Responsive Politics reports that Obama has become the first politician in history to raise $1 billion in his political career. Imagine how much more he could have raised if people hadn't lost their asses in his economic plan?
Next month, a new biography is going to come out about the life of 300-pound New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. The biography is called "Are you going to finish that?"
Mitt Romney recently met with a group of wealthy Latino business owners....or as Romney calls them, "the Juan percent." There's been an increasing buzz that Romney will pick a vice president who's safe, white and duller than him, which pretty much narrows it down to a piece of chalk."
Last week was rough for Facebook stock. Mark Zuckerberg lost so much money in the market that Obama is going to name him to replace Ben Bernanke.
Police in South Dakota arrested a 53-year-old man formerly from Chicago who was trying to climb Mount Rushmore. When the police radio first reported that the guy was in his 50s, from Chicago and desperate to get on Mount Rushmore, the police chief said, "Oh my God, it's Obama."
Four Secret Service agents who were fired for that sex scandal decided to fight their dismissal. The lawyer said they didn't realize the women were prostitutes. These guys are supposed to be experts at picking people out of a crowd. Can't spot a hooker? Really?
Just two weeks after a felon in jail got 41 percent of the democratic vote in West Virginia, Obama got embarrassed again in Arkansas when an unknown lawyer got 42 percent. See? That proves once and for all that there's only a 1 percent difference between a lawyer and a convicted felon.
This Date In History: 1863; Robert Gould Shaw, leading the first northern all-black regiment, leaves Boston for the Civil War. 1929; The first all-color, full-length talking picture, On With the Show!, debuted. 1934; The Dionne quintuplets were born in Ontario, Canada.
1957; Baseball owners voted to allow the Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Giants to move to Los Angeles and San Francisco, respectively. Many New Yorkers still haven’t recovered. 1987; Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old pilot from West Germany, landed his private plane in Moscow’s Red Square. He was arrested and sentenced to four years in a labor camp, but was released after just one.
1997; Linda Finch completed Amelia Earhart's attempted around-the-world flight. 1998; Pakistan staged nuclear tests in response to India's nuclear tests two weeks earlier. 2003 President Bush signed a $350 billion tax cut into law, the third largest tax cut in U.S. history.
Picture Of The Day: Some things are self explanatory.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I am having an out of money experience. 2) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. 3) When my friend had a kid, he bought one of those strollers for twins because it was on sale. It worked well for him. When his kid got older, he told him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 4) My next door neighbor once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 5) How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 28th: This week will be good for you but the fact that you take out the garbage does not mean you have cleaned the house. If you don't believe me, ask your spouse. Chance of romance is 42.68 percent. Also, did you know that 42.68 percent of statistics are made up on the spot?
Birthdays: My pals Maylen and Paul - Happy Birthday my friends! 19XX, William Pitt, statesman 1759, Thomas Moore, poet 1779, P. G. T. Beauregard, Confederate general 1818, Carl Larsson, painter and illustrator 1853, Jim Thorpe, American Indian, Olympian, football player and all-around athlete 1888, Ian Fleming, author 1908.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."
The old explorer continued, " I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROAR!.......I just shit my pants."
The reporter said, "Wow! Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went 'ROAR!'"
A little old lady was standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old. This hat is brand new!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check, Miller was confronted by several executives. One said, "You're not getting away with this, Miller. We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
Mr. Miller replied, "My wife and I are going to travel. We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Athens, Rome and, finally, to the Vatican, where gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
His father asked, "So, did you jump today?" His son answeed, "Well, we got up in the plane, the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" His father asked, "Is that when you jumped?"
His son said, "Not yet. Then, the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father asked, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then."
The son continued, " He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.'"
The son went on, "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little.....at first."
That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon. Happy Memorial Day and remember our Vets! More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.
Miami Beach is once again hosting "Urban Weekend", a tradition where hordes of Urbans come to Miami Beach and engage in Urban tomfoolery such as gang fights, robberies and shootings. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend as I am Suburban and do not not qualify for the festivities. Drat!
Auto Racing is on tap this weekend with a full compliment of events. Headlining the Memorial Day weekend is the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday and the Nascar Charlotte 600 on Sunday night.
Public Service Announcement: I hate it when people send bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally but this one is real, and it's important. Please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If a young woman comes to your front door saying she is checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, do not do it! It is a scam! She only wants to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and used.....
The News As I See It: A new report suggests that Christopher Columbus may have secretly been Jewish. What tipped historians off was Columbus' diary entry where he described his journey to America as "a real schlep."
Obama stayed at a hotel while attending meetings in Chicago. It was annoying for him to stay in the hotel instead of his own house, but his advisers encouraged him to stay at the hotel for security reasons. So, he called room service and asked for a wake-up call and they showed him the latest poll numbers.
A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, "Nuh-uh!"
Bagged salads across the country have been recalled due to contamination fears. Luckily this is America, so none of the salads were touched. God help us if something happens to our Doritos supply.
Republicans are trying to raise money, so Mitt Romney's checking under his couch cushions.
Britney Spears is planning to launch a new fragrance called Fantasy Twist. That sounds like something John Travolta gets at the end of a massage.
The Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated from the playoffs last night after just five games. Yep, the Lakers fell fast — which explains their new name: the Los Angeles Facebook Stock.
Happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who turned 71 years old this week. When he made his wish, God said to St. Peter, "I have no clue as to what he just said."
This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention convened in Philadelphia under the leadership of George Washington, in order to establish a new U.S. government. 1925; John Scopes was indicted for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution.
1935; American track star Jesse Owens broke three world records and tied another in a little over an hour. 1935; The legendary Babe Ruth hit his 714th and final home run against the Pittsburgh Pirates. His record stood until Hank Aaron broke it in 1974.
1965; Muhammad Ali knocked Sonny Liston out cold in the first round, after 1 minute and 56 seconds, for the world heavyweight title. 1968; The Gateway Arch was dedicated in St. Louis. 1969; Midnight Cowboy, the only x-rated film to win a best picture Oscar, was released.
1979; The worst air disaster in U.S. history (excluding the September 11 attacks) occurred when a DC-10 crashed at Chicago's O'Hare airport, killing over 270 people.
Picture Of The Day: The man who invented the television remote control recently passed away but not before he made one last change.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some people have things called wrinkles which are similar to my character lines. 2) When a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense 3) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 4) Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. 5) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will buy a silly hat, sit in a boat and drink beer all day.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 25th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from Ikea.
You will overhear gossip today about your love life while you are on the toilet. This may cause you to dam your flatulence so you can hear the really juicy part. Chances of romance are 62.05 percent unless your attempt at damming your flatulence fails.
Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet and essayist 1803, Igor Ivanovich Sikorsky, Inventor 1889, Gene Tunney, boxer 1897, Robert Ludlum, novelist 1927, Beverly Sills, opera singer 1929, Frank Oz, puppeteer 1944, Jamaica Kincaid, writer 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
Joe Bob, Jim Bob and Billy Bob are greeted in heaven by St. Peter who says, "We have only one rule, never step on a duck." But upon passing through the Pearly Gates, they're surrounded by thousands of ducks and Joe Bob steps on one. The duck quacks and soon, all the ducks are quacking.
St. Peter admonishes, "I warned you not to step on a duck." He shackles Joe Bob to a ferocious looking 260 lb Amazon woman for all eternity. Jim Bob steps on a duck and gets tethered forever to a Brutish 6 foot 6 redheaded Viking woman.
Billy Bob thinks, "Poor ole Joe Bob and Jim Bob", and learns to watch his step. All of a sudden, St. Peter chains him to an absolutely gorgeous girl. Billy Bob exclaims, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" The buxom beauty replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.
A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. The owner said, "This is the dog I had in mind for you"
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!" The owner says "I know, he just ate a lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a safe and great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
The recent deaths of the Bee Gees' Robin Gibb and disco queen Donna Summer took me back to the nostalgic 1970's when disco was a major part of the music scene. Thoughts of bell botton pants, colorful shirts and endless nights of dancing and partying brought back many good memories and satiated my senses.
Time has a way of making way for the new and easing out the old, Such is life, but memories are something that can never be taken from you. Each and every song or star always seem to evoke memories from all of us and those of us who were lucky enough to have seen and heard Robin Gibb and Donna Summer have them etched in our minds forever.
The News As I See It:
Congratulations to former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The city of San Francisco has named a street after her this week. It's called Botox Avenue.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At their wedding, Zuckerberg's wife wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000. Facebook has lost so much money that Zuckerberg has been named an honorary board member of JPMorgan.
More bad news for CNN. They just had their lowest rating in 15 years. Their ratings are so low that today both Al "Have Podium, Will Travel" Sharpton and Jesse Jackson turned them down for an interview.
DC Comics announced that one of its existing superheroes will be reintroduced as gay. I've got my money on Aquaman and Dog Groomer Man. I wonder if they'll be changing the name of the comic to AC/DC.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians began their seventh season this week. It's such a busy time for the Kardashians right now with the new season starting and the ongoing Basketball playoffs, which as you know, is the time when the Kardashians go into heat and mate with anyone who is over six feet tall and dribbles. Meanwhile, Khloe Kardashian is refusing to take a paternity test to determine if she's actually a Kardashian. She said, "I think my record of fame without talent speaks for itself."
Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs.
A 1920 Babe Ruth uniform sold at a sports memorabilia auction for $4 million. As a matter of fact, it was the uniform he was wearing when he was first dating Betty White.
Al Gore has a new girlfriend (that is unless the Supreme Court takes her away from him. Apparently, it's getting pretty serious. He's already been over to bore her parents. Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising.
This Date In History: 1430; Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians and subsequently sold to the English. 1788; South Carolina became the 8th state in United States. 1830; The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad began the first passenger service in the United States.
1873; The North West Mounted Police force was formed in Canada. It would later be known as the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1911; The New York Public Library, at the time the largest marble structure ever built in the United States, was dedicated by President Taft in New York City after 16 years of construction.
1934; Bonnie (Parker) and Clyde (Barrow) were killed in a police shootout. 1945; Heinrich Himmler, head of Adolf Hitler’s Gestapo, committed suicide while in prison. 1949; The German Federal Republic came into existence. 1997; Moderate Mohammad Khatami was elected president of Iran.
Picture Of The Day: The world lost an excellent singer, musician and songwriter. Rest In Pease, Robin.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I get really lonely, especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. 2) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. 3) I wouldn't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box, but I would like to have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Jimmy and Pop"! 4) New studies have found that people who snore have a higher risk of cancer. In most cases, however, the spouse will smother them with the pillow long before the cancer takes them. 5) Admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 23rd: Alas, the morning will be useless but buck up my friends, the evening will go very well. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming weekend, so prepare for wealth, love and the chance of romance is 87.63 percent. You may think later this week that your computer has been hacked by your sexy 19 year old neighbor, Marie, but you will soon come to realize that actually, a ferret has chewed through the cord of your mouse.
Birthdays: Carolus Linnaeus botanist 1707, Charles Barry architect 1795, Margaret Fuller, American writer and lecturer 1810, Alfred Pritchard Sloan, Jr., businessman and philanthropist 1875, Douglas Fairbanks, actor 1883, John Bardeen physicist 1908, Anatoly Karpov, chess master 1951.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer in the leg without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "I think my wife got a pretty good look at you."
Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"
Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse and at eight I shit like a cow." The other men ask, "So what's your problem?" The man replied, "I don't wake up until nine."
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
The nun said, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first." The nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet." The nun looked at him with a bewildered look on her face and said, "Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God! I'm coming!'" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
That's it for today, my little jitterbugs. Remember, love hides in strange places and could be waiting for you where you least expect it. Or it could be hidden in a closet, bound and gagged. Keep in mind that the rule is "i" before "e" except in Budweiser. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Watching TV about 3 am Sunday morning, I happened to see one of those boring fitness infomercials. I started wondering, "Is a fitness instructor a good career path to choose?" What happens to these people when time begins to ravage their bodies and minds? Unless they have some college degree to fall back on, they're pretty much out of work once their bodies go to pot.
I've been fortunate over the years as I have always been able to eat what I want. I've also been able to stay in decent shape considering what I've put my body through. At 6 feet tall and 170 pounds, I'm still within twenty pounds of my high school weight.
I enjoy walking and fishing and between the two, I get enough exercise. I have never been one to go to the gym, not because of the workouts, but because it's so hum-drum. I prefer that my mind be entertained while I'm doing anything that remotely resembles strain, stress or exercise. My personal motto is "No pain, no pain."
Scam Reminders - Don't believe nor buy:
1) Anything hawked by Coach Jimmie Johnson (Extenze) or Joe Theisman (prostate medicine). It's been proven that these products don't work and have not been approved by the FDA. These guys are just whoring the products using their fame.
2) Anything associated with glucosamine, chondroitin and especially Cosequin, relatively new to the Snake Oil science field, and avidly hawked by Jack Hanna for his dog's joint pain.
3) Anything remotely associated with speeding up your computer including Max My Speed (dot) com, My PC (dot) com, Finally Fast (dot) com, Make Your Computer Faster Than A Bitch In Heat (dot) com, et cetera, ad nauseum.
The News As I See It: On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it's a North Korean rocket. Facebook started at 38 bucks a share. They thought it would go to 70, 80, 90. Today (5/21) its closed at $34.03 per share. Experts say Facebook did not live up to the hype. Big deal, NBC does that every fall.
Facebook Co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, "That's what the Cayman Islands are for."
It's the 85th Anniversary of Lindbergh's solo transatlantic flight. Coincidentally, it's the last time an American was greeted warmly in France.
American Idol is down to its final two contestants. The losing contestant will fade away into obscurity, while the winning contestant won't have that happen until around June.
An aquarium in the U.K. claims that it has the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really mean prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
The new J.C. Penny catalog features a gay couple. This is historic. It's the first time anyone gay has been spotted wearing clothes from J.C. Penny.
Joe O'Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney said, "That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class.
The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair.
This Date In History: 1542; Spanish explorer Hernando De Soto died while searching for gold on the banks of the Mississippi River. 1881; Clara Barton founded what became the American Red Cross.
1927; Charles Lindbergh became the first person to fly across the Atlantic (from New York to Paris) in his monoplane, The Spirit of St. Louis. 1932; Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean (from Newfoundland to Ireland).
1956; The first hydrogen bomb to be dropped by air exploded over the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific. 1989; In Hong Kong, approximately one million people took to the streets to show their support for students protesting for democratic reforms in China’s Tiananmen Square.
1991; Rajiv Gandhi, former Indian prime minister, was assassinated by a suicide bomber. 1998; Indonesian President Suharto resigned. 1999; Susan Lucci finally won a Daytime Emmy on her 19th nomination. 2003; Christine Todd Whitman announced her resignation as administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency.
Picture Of The Day: There is a point in time where exercise should only involve an occasional glance out your window.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I finish writing a letter, I like to write "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated. 2) I think that my lady friend got her hair highlighted, because she felt some strands were more important than others. 3) I went to a doctor and he tried to suck blood from my neck. I would not recommend that anyone go to see Dr. Acula. 4) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather. 5) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means this is an apple.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 21st: Today won't be very successful, but I see things falling into place for you during the week. Chance of romance is 23.67 percent today increasing to 83.21 percent by Friday. And remember, although women know more about the pains of childbirth than men do, they know nothing of the pain a man goes through when he gets himself caught in a zipper.
Birthdays: Albrecht Dürer, painter, engraver 1471, Alexander Pope, English poet 1688, Elizabeth Fry, prison reformer and philanthropist 1780, Henri Rousseau, painter 1844, Glenn Curtiss, inventor and aviation pioneer 1878, Fats Waller, musician 1904, Andrei Sakharov, human rights advocate 1921.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray, age 80, and Rebecca, age 79, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Murray suggests they go in.
Murray addresses the man behind the counter and asks, "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes, I am." Murray says, "Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes we do." Murray asks, "How about medicine for circulation and rheumatism ?" The pharmacist says, "Yep, definitely."
Murray says, "How about Viagra?" The pharmacist answers with a wink, "Of course." Murray asks, "What about medicine for memory problems and arthritis?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, a large variety - the works." Murray says, "What about vitamins, sleeping pills and Geritol?" The pharmacist replies, "Absolutely."
Murray asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers? The pharmacist replies, "All speeds and sizes." Murray smiles and says, "Great! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
An old man was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
The old man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" The brown thing replied, "I'm a cow." The zebra asked, "What do you do?" The cow said, "I make milk for the farmer."
The zebra then saw a funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" The white thing replied, "I'm a chicken." The zebra asked, "What do you do?" The chicken said, "I make eggs for the farmer."
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" The handsome beast replied, "I am a Stallion." The zebra said, "Wow! What do you do?" The stallion answered, "Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."
A man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager said, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
That's it for today, my little tweetie pies. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
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