Will That Be Paper Or Plastic?

I went grocery shopping today and on several occasions, I had the burning desire to ask one or two shoppers who had dressed them this morning. I'm not suggesting that a tuxedo or formal gown be the norm, but at least wear your best going-to-church flip-flops.

I'm not talking about Walmart shoppers. I was at Publix and normally, the majority of the shoppers there look ok. I started to wonder if Walmart was closed for the day and all the cattle went to Publix. 

Women wandering around in tent dresses and their men trudging behind them wearing bermuda shorts and black socks is not a pretty sight. I do excuse mothers of two or more children for their attire as I'm quite sure their concern for appearance was at the bottom of their list. Actually, from the antics of some of the kiddies, I'm amazed their mothers didn't just leave them in the store.

Thankfully, there is the occasional sweet young thing shopping and talking on the phone at the same time. We somehow always seem to wind up on the same aisle. Coincidence, I guess.....

I went fishing at a local lake near my home and caught a few small bass which I released. I also caught an exotic fish that I could not identify and I've been fishing for many years. This is not the fish, but it is the same size and the same species. I assume someone had a tropical fish that got too big for the tank and released it into the lake. Not a good idea as exotic species sometimes kill off indigenous species.

The News As I See It: France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner....he surrendered. Hollande lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.

Joe O'Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage and now, Obama has endorsed gay marriage as well. To show he's serious, Obama is now hiring gay Secret Service agents. Obama is jumping on all the band wagons, scrounging for votes. His re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan, "If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican."

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. Apparently Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.

Some good news for that New Jersey tanning mom. Over the weekend at Newark's airport she bought a ticket from New York to Los Angeles for only $50. Apparently they mistook her for a piece of baggage.

Remember those American hikers that were detained and accused of spying in Iran? Well, two of them got married. They're now on their honeymoon, hiking the beautiful mountains of North Korea.

 In a new interview, Joe O'Biden said the sitcom "Will and Grace" made America more comfortable with gay people. O'Biden also said the sitcom character "Urkel" made America more comfortable with Obama. Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, "I hope I won't have to change my address."

I really enjoyed the Cinco de Mayo holiday which celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. Then again, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already. For most people, it was over a year since the last time they threw up in a sombrero. If it weren't for the Irish and the Mexicans, between the Super Bowl and the 4th of July, we would have no reason to get drunk.

Last Friday was "Take Your Daughter to a Tanning Booth Day" in New Jersey. The mother from Nutley plead not guilty to child endangerment charges. Her lawyer says she suffers from a condition called "Tanorexia."

This Date In History: 1914; Mother's Day became a public holiday. 1926; Explorers Richard E. Byrd and Floyd Bennett flew over the North Pole. 1936; Fascist Italy annexed Ethiopia.

1962; The Beatles signed their first recording contract and hired George Martin to be their producer. 1978; The body of slain former Italian prime minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in Rome.

1984; It took the Chicago White Sox 25 innings, eight hours, and six minutes, over two days, to finally defeat the Milwaukee Brewers, 7-6. It was the longest game (in elapsed time) in major-league history.

1994; The South African parliament chose Nelson Mandela as president. 2004; Chechnya's Moscow-backed leader, Akhmad Kadyrov, was killed in a bombing. Six others were killed and another 60 wounded.

Picture Of The Day: The moms out there have their hands full shopping and keeping an eye on the children.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In politics, Deja Poo is described as the feeling that you've heard this crap before. 2) As a kid, we all used to skinny dip. Nowadays, most of us just chunky dunk. 3) Did anybody watch the Kentucky Derby? Once again it was won by a black guy from Kenya. 4) I want to thank the new underwear bomber. Now, thanks to him, all our undies will have to be put in a tray. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 9th: The stars are aligned for you today and if you ever enjoyed the antics of "Soupy Sales", you're in for a treat. Additionally, it's "hump day" so you've got two good reasons to have a great evening. Chance of romance is 64.71 percent. Do not attempt to fry bacon in the nude.

Birthdays: Belle Boyd, Civil War spy 1844, Sir James Barrie, playwright 1860, Howard Carter, Egyptologist 1873, "Pancho" Gonzales, tennis player 1928, Glenda Jackson, actress 1936, Albert Finney, actor 1936, John Ashcroft, attorney general 1942, Billy Joel musician, singer, songwriter 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!" The man asked the doctor what the problem was. The doc said, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" The man replied, "No." The doctor said, "Do you drink in excess?" The old man said, "No"

The doctor asked, "Do you have a sex life?" The man replied, "Yes, I do!" The doc said, "Well, I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life" Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half... the looking or the wishing?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after, he saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and shot at it.

Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd shot at, so he ran to the farmhouse and described his target to the farmer. He said, "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like hell!"

The farmer said, "Oh, shit! Did you hit it?" The boy said, "I don't think so." The farmer said, "You're lucky you didn't hit it my boy. From your description, I think you shot at my neighbor's wife!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says, "That will be $11.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. The waitress asks, "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad." The ostrich says, "Same for me."

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $16.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer an says, "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

The man says, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."The waitress exclaims, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

That's it for today, my little puddin' heads. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 to begin partying for my birthday week. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !