Just When You Thought It Was Safe.....

Things don't always go as planned sometimes and one would hope that get-aways and vacations would be exempt from Murphy's Law, but alas, they aren't. It just seems that some days you're the windshield and some days, you're the bug.

Although things normally work out for the better in the long run, it's those short spurts of bad luck that tries one's patience. Whether it's the proverbial toast landing peanut butter side down or stepping in the exact spot in 1000 square feet of public property where your neighbor's dog recently took a dump, when your luck is on a bad streak, things just go downhill.

I have triumphed over my recent experience with the infamous Mr. Murphy and I have done a major overhaul on all of my electronics so that they are all on the same page......with the exception of my scanner/copier. They are not compatible. I don't know if it is something the copier might have said or if my new computer is an electronic racist, but (by design), they just won't work together.

I now realize more than ever that the evolution of electronics has more to do with rendering every other product one owns useless and less toward the betterment of mankind. That said, I'm up and running in every department.....unless I need a copy.

The News As I See It: According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn't get attached to him. He lied about that. That's got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards. Lying to your wife that you're not seeing another woman while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don't try this! John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a U.S. senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him!

Obama has released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial’s title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

The Miami Heat are the new NBA champions. The fans are going nuts. In fact, last night 10,000 more Cubans rafted over to Miami just for the party.

The Chicago police are sponsoring a gun buy-back program. Anyone who returns a gun, no questions asked, gets a $100 gift certificate in return. Attorney general Eric Holder said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

Mitt Romney accused Obama of pandering to the Latino community. Obama replied that he was too busy to comment because he was watching Telemundo and eating chalupas.

The Obama campaign unveiled its new ad to target Hispanics. There's really not much to it. Basically, Obama is saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden." (Basically, I'm saying "Que Come Mierda.").

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition, which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses or space rangers.

This Date In History: 1788; Virginia became the 10th state in the Union. 1876; Lt. Col. George A. Custer and all his men were killed by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians at the Battle of Little Bighorn in Montana.

1950; Communist North Korean troops invaded South Korea, beginning the Korean War. 1951; The first commercial color TV program was transmitted by CBS from New York to Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, and Washington, DC.

1991; Croatia and Slovenia proclaimed their independence from Yugoslavia, beginning the Yugoslavian civil war. 1997; Oceanographer Jacques Cousteau died. 2009; Michael Jackson, pop singer, dies at age 50.

Picture Of The Day: The Photoshop always amuses me but there are occasional, obvious errors in thought that show me that the picture has been photoshopped. In today's picture, the fish is a Snook, only found in warm, salt waters. The location, by flora and fauna, is low lying, freshwater and definitely southern. The bear is a Grizzly bear, found mostly in the northwest. The combination isn't correct but the thought is funny.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 2) If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 3) Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then, neither does milk. 4) Accidents don't just happen, they must be carelessly planned. 5) Partners help each other undress before sex. After sex, they always dress on their own. See? No one helps you after you're screwed.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 25th: An early heads up...tomorrow, you're going to get out of the wrong side of the bed, so make sure your bedroom window is closed. Today will go rather smoothly assuming you remember where that inadvertent detour took you yesterday on the way to work. Other than that, you'll be fine. Chance of romance is 36.71 percent, more or less.....

Birthdays: Antonio Gaudí, architect 1852, Robert Henri, painter 1865, George Abbott, theatrical producer 1887, George Orwell, (pseudonym of Eric Arthur Blair), British novelist and essayist 1903,  James Meredith, civil-rights leader 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old  man walked into a pharmacy and handed the pharmacist a prescription for Viagra. The pharmacist told him that the prescription would be ready in 15 minutes. The old man said, "That's fine. Would you please cut the Viagra tablets into quarters."

The pharmacist said, "No problem, but you should know that a quarter of a Viagra tablet won't really do much for your sex life, The old man replied, "That's ok, I just need it to stick out enough so that I don't pee on my shoes."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars"  

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

The fifth grade teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. Akio said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." The teacher said, "Very good!"

The teacher continued, "Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher said, "Excellent! let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said, "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs." The teacher angrily demanded, "Who said that? I want to know right now!" Little Akio put his hand up and said, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?" Simpson says, "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator, in stunned horror, exclaims, "He was smoking in the mixing room?" How long had he been with the company?" Simpson replied, "About 20 years, sir." The investigator says, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room. I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson replied, "It was, sir."

That's it for today, my little French fries. Remember, money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !