I Have Become My Father

Okay, I get it...I'm getting old. But the body has some not-so-subtle reminders that really annoy me. My hair has turned to silver and grows thinner, yet thick black hair grows out of my ears at the rate of about an inch per day.

On occasion, one of my friends might happen to spot a beautiful woman passing in front of us. By the time I locate my glasses (which were on my head) to take a gander, the opportunity has passed.

I can remember the words to thousands of songs but in the time that I get up from the computer to go to the kitchen, I have forgotten my mission.

God forbid if I happen to sneeze or cough in public because I never really know if either one is going to be accompanied harmoniously with flatulence.

Yep, I've become my father...... 

Lance Armstrong confessed  that he used performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France seven times. This came as a complete shock to as many as a dozen people. I knew he was juicing ever since he won the race on a stationary exercise bike. I only tuned in because I thought he was going to confess that he is a lesbian.

At one point Lance said he propagated one of the greatest frauds in American history. Oprah said, "Whoa. Easy there Lance. I'm the one who discovered Dr. Phil." Whether or not you support Lance Armstrong, you can agree on one thing. His confession allows us all to go back to not giving a shit about cycling.

The News As I See It: The current flu epidemic is terrible. Experts say that those hit hardest are the very old and the very young. That's especially bad news for Hugh Hefner and his new bride.

Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state and a Kenyan float to honor his place of birth.

President Soetero will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obie says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman and child the chance to pay more taxes. Barry also told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. "is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, "By the way, if China calls, I'm not here."

Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the health care system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry, they'll still be free at the airport.

The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?

This Date In History: 1547; Ivan the Terrible was crowned the first czar of Russia. 1883; The U.S. Civil Service Commission established. 1920; A year after it was ratified, the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages, went into effect.

1942; Actress Carole Lombard, the wife of actor Clark Gable, died in a plane crash. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was announced by the White House. 1992; The El Salvador government signed a peace treaty with guerrilla forces, formally ending 12 years of civil war.

2001; Laurent Kabila, president of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, was assassinated. 2003; Space shuttle Columbia blasted off on what would be its final mission. The craft broke up on its descent on Feb. 1, killing all on board.

Picture Of The Day: Majestic.....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail. 2) I asked my doctor yesterday what the difference is between a cold and the flu and he said, "About $80." 3) I have realized that if it weren't for marriage, I would have gone through life thinking I had no faults at all. 4) I'd rather fight a bear than argue with a woman with PMS.  5) Wal-Mart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. This can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 16th: The name "Jude" will have some significance today and may be associated with The Beatles. Although it is true that you are not bound to find love, love may instead find you. If it does, I warn you to be wary since sometimes love can carry instruments of pain. Never trust a naked bus driver.

Birthdays: My friend Sandra - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Robert W. Service, writer 1874, Ethel Merman, entertainer 1909, Dizzy Dean, baseball player 1911, William Kennedy, novelist 1928, Susan Sontag, writer and critic 1933, Marilyn Horne, mezzo-soprano 1934, A.J. Foyt, auto racer 1935, Aaliyah singer, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. The group leader said, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" The student replied, "Sadness."

To another student he turned and asked, "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" She replied, "Elation."The leader turned to the rear of the room and asked Bubba, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house Wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. 'Her friend asks, "Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?" The blonde replies, "Oh crap! I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front'."

You first !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A 72 year old man was fishing when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention.

The woman said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior." He replied, "What kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that black men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction. People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern men have the best stamina."

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, "I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The man said, "Tonto......Tonto Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba !"

That's it for today, my little gun toters. Remember, being a minority does not make you noble, victimized or entitled. It just makes you like the rest of us poor bastards....broke!

It's a nice day to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !