Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

Congresswoman Maxine Waters and former NBA player Dennis Rodman restored my faith in the continuing existence of idiots this weekend. I was beginning to believe all the hype from those Obama inspired State Farm and All State insurance company commercials. I think that I may have been drinking too much Kool-Aid.

As an added thought, I have to award former NFL quarterback Joe Theisman an Honorable Mention for continuing to shill for Super Beta Prostate and annoying the general public as well.

Maxine Waters' fuzzy math set Twitter abuzz after she warned that if the sequester went through on Friday, Americans would see a loss of 170 million jobs. Waters mumbled, "We don't need to be having something like sequestration that's going to cause these job losses — over 170 million jobs that could be lost — and so he (Obama) made it very clear he's not opposed to cuts but cuts must be done over a long period of time and in a very planned way rather than this blunt cutting that will be done by sequestration."

Unfortunately, there's a minor problem. There aren't even that many jobs in the United States, as Twitter users were quick to point out.

Dennis Rodman, in a weird interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos, said that his visit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un was "awesome".

Constantly repeating himself and speaking with a slur that made him virtually impossible to understand, Rodman became uncomfortable when confronted by Stephanopoulos with a myriad of facts about Kim Jong-un's international reputation. "He's a great guy," Rodman said of his new friend.

Rodman, who always looks like an idiot, wore a dollar-bill suit, replete with ear, nose and lip rings. Rodman seemed unaware or uncaring of North Korea's abysmal human rights. He said that Kim would like Obama to call him.

Stephanopolous is also not known for his intellect nor social grace. At the Obama inauguration, he confused NBA basketball great Bill Russell for actor Morgan Freeman.

A man recently conducted an experiment regarding how guns kill people. He swung his front door wide open and placed his 12 gauge shotgun right in the middle of the doorway. He placed 6 shotgun shells right next to it. Then, he noticed that his shotgun had no legs, so he placed it in a wheelchair to help it get around. Then, he left it alone and went about his business.

While he was gone, the mailman delivered his mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of his house.

After about an hour, he checked on his shotgun. He was surprised to see it was still sitting there in the wheelchair, right where he had left it. It hadn't rolled itself outside and it certainly hadn't killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn't even loaded itself.

Now, you can well imagine his surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how guns kill people. Either the media is wrong and it's the misuse of guns by people that kills people or he's in possession of the laziest shotgun in the world.

Well, so much for his lazy shotgun. Now he's off to check on his spoons. He hears they're making people fat. He wants to find out how they do that.

The News As I See It: Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we're in this situation in the first place?

There's a new movie out called "The Last Exorcism Part 2." How can it be called, "The Last Exorcism Part 2"? By definition, a movie called "last anything" can't have a sequel unless, of course, Hollywood is run by profit-hungry liars.

If you do schedule an exorcism however, you need to make sure someone is actually possessed. If a young woman looks sickly, pale and vomits all the time, she may just be an actress.

Friday was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals were buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's.

Guantanamo Bay Naval Base remains open, even though many have wanted to see it closed, including Obama. It's like the Radio Shack of the War on Terror.

This Date In History: 1789; The Constitution of the United States went into effect. 1791; Vermont became the 14th state in the United States. 1861; Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated as president.

1917; Jeannette Rankin took her seat as the first woman elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. 1933; Frances Perkins, appointed Secretary of Labor, became first woman to serve in the Cabinet.

1994; Four Muslim fundamentalists were found guilty in the 1993 World Trade Center bombing in New York. 1999; Retired Supreme Court Justice Harry A. Blackmun died in Arlington, Virginia, at age 90.

Picture Of The Day: River Otters

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend asked me if I do crunches. Well, I do....Captain Crunch and Nestle's Crunch. 2) When I was married, one of the kids found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my wife's dresser drawer. I explained that Mom was a Super Hero. 3) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 4) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. 5) When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 4th: Cheating is going to occur within the next day, although it is unsure who is at fault. I wouldn't worry too much, it could just be in a game of cards or monopoly. Shallow puddles may deceive you today. The only conspiracy theory you need to worry about is the one that involves you.

Birthdays: Henry the Navigator, prince 1394, Antonio Vivaldi, composer 1675, Casimir Pulaski, Polish general 1748, Knute Rockne, football coach 1888, Miriam Makeba, singer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar having a drink. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" The farmer said, "Some things you just can't explain."

The man asks, "So what happened that's so horrible?" The farmer said, "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket." The man said, "That's not so bad." The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

The man said, "So what happened?" The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Then, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man asked, "Again?" The farmer said, "Some things you just can't explain."

The man said, "So, what did you do then?" The farmer answered, "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Then, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." The man said, "You're kidding?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

The man asked, "So, what did you do?" The farmer said, "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain....."

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?", he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, "Hazel, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a laugh, "It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!"

Now That's One Big Ass Balloon !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Butch and  Johnny for their contributions to today's stories.

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home and said, "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!"

A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

That's it for today, my little peanuts. Remember, it's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. But what's hard to do is taking a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !