I Know Nothing !

There are so many congressional hearings about scandals going on in Washington that you need a program to keep up with who's lying to whom and about what. On top of that, white house spokesman Jay Carney has his ass backed to the wall with so many prying questions from the press that he looks like Opie Taylor answering to Sheriff Andy the day after he got caught skipping school.

As usual, nobody seems to know nothing about anything. Jay Carney has artfully instructed both Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder on the art of side stepping and generally avoiding any and all uncomfortable questions. It looks like a reincarnation of Hogan's Heroes with all the players vying for the part of Sgt Schultz, whose epic answer was always, "I know nothing!"

The News As I See It: Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. First it was Benghazi and the subsequent cover-up, then the IRS unfairly singled out conservative groups and others it doesn't like. IRS commissioner Steve Miller said about targeting conservative groups thing that, "Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation." Yeah, "Mistakes were made" — try saying that during your next IRS audit.

Now, the Department of Justice has secretly recorded the phone calls of Associated Press journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the AP incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.

Remember the good old days when Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? So three big scandals. Personally, I preferred the Weiner and Spitzer scandals. At least they were funnier.

Update: Obama announced on Wednesday that Steven Miller, the acting director of the Internal Revenue Service, had resigned amid criticism over the tax agency's handling of conservative groups seeking tax-exempt status.

Speaking from the White House's East Room, Obama said that he had instructed Treasury Secretary Jack Lew to hold the IRS accountable for its missteps, revealed in a Treasury Department inspector general's report released on Tuesday. Among the steps Lew took was to request and accept "the resignation of the acting commissioner of the IRS."

Jodi Arias:The same Phoenix jury that convicted Jodi Arias for the 2008 slaying of her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander, declared Wednesday that she is eligible for the death penalty. The jury returned the eligibility verdict after less than three hours of deliberation.

O,J, Simpson is back in court. He's trying to get himself a new trial. He was tossed into prison for a long time for stealing his own sports memorabilia. Double homicide.....nothing, acquitted. Stealing sports memorabilia.....convicted, 30 years to life.

O.J.'s lawyer said, "Look, we've been through this before. It's a long shot. And O.J. said, "I think I'll take a stab at it." O.J. has gained a lot of weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. Remember: If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.

Last Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like a Marlboro."

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, "Eh, it's not the end of the world."

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; The Soviet Union began to withdraw its estimated 115,000 troops from Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: "I Know Nothing!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I opened a restaurant, I'd call it, "I Don't Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?" 2) I'm not a racist. I hate all races equally, especially the 100 meter dash and the marathon.  3) I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. 4) Make fun of my pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire tonight. 5) The next time a bill collector calls, just give the phone to your toddler and tell her it's Barney.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 15th: Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts. Please bear this in mind if you plan any visits to the market this week.

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi composer 1567, Lyman Frank,Baum author 1856, Pierre Curie, scientist 1859, Katherine Anne Porter author, 1890, Richard Joseph Daley political leader 1902, James Mason actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson economist, 1915, Richard Avedon photographer, 1923, Jasper Johns artist 1930, Madeleine Albright government official, 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that reads, "Looking for man who won't beat me up, run away from me and is great in bed." She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad, but never met anyone.

One day, she finds a man at her door. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." The woman says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

About 200 dead crows were found dead near Boston and there was great concern about the possibility of “Avian Flu”. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. However, he did determine that ninety-eight percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only two percent were killed by impact with cars.

The city of Boston hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!"

To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

That's it for today, my little rascals. Remember, cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. "Ta Da!"

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !