The Perils Of Morning Light

There seems to be an unwritten law (albeit unfair) that most women look good in the morning and I inevitably resemble a Yeti. This rule always applies although the word "most" is used loosely and should be licensed poetically.

I have noticed over the years that prior to going to bed, both she and I look reasonably attractive. This opinion is entirely subjective but is the only history I can rely upon. In the mornings, the lady's hair is always in place and her makeup is still intact. I, on the other hand, resemble the survivor of an automobile accident with hair extending in all directions, pillow lines and morning drool slowly drying on the side of my face.

Methinks that this, to some degree, is evolutionary and probably part of the supreme plan. This is probably why I am usually in a romantic mood in the morning and she, on the other hand, is searching for an escape route with the quizzical "what was I thinking last night" look on her face.

One of the tricks I've learned over the years is to immediately brew and serve coffee as I try to transform myself from yeti to my usually charming self. This works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't. Maybe that's why only the best baseball players have a lifetime batting average of over .400.....
 

The News As I See It: U.S. immigration authorities have begun flying deportees deep into Mexico in an effort to discourage them from returning. It’s not working out well. What happens is they fly down to Mexico and then use their frequent-flier miles to get a free flight back to San Diego.

The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong.

According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form.

The latest NFL player to get arrested is New England Patriots' cornerback Alfonzo Dennard. He was arrested again, this time for a DUI. So at least Aaron Hernandez will have somebody to play catch with.

Richard Simmons turned 65. For some reason, middle-aged women love Richard Simmons. He is so beloved by middle-aged women, they recently made him an honorary cat. In 2004 a man who said he was slapped by Richard Simmons actually filed charges. What kind of a man says he got beat up by Richard Simmons? A man who wants money! Admitting to getting beaten up by Richard Simmons is like saying you got beat up by an Olsen twin.

Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist.

The average price for a rock concert ticket has climbed to $675. Which is why I usually just wear a shirt that says "Security."

According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it's not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on future American citizens as well.

A recent study says the state that drinks the most beer is North Dakota. In fact, one night North Dakota got so drunk, it woke up next to West Virginia.

This Date In History: 1869; Margarine was patented in France by Hippolyte Mege Mouries. 1870; Georgia became the last of the Confederate States to be readmitted to the Union. 1918; The Second Battle of the Marne began during World War I.

1940; The world's tallest man (8 feet, 11.1 inches), Robert Wadlow, died. 1948; John J. Pershing, whose leadership in World War I earned him the title General of the Armies of the United States, died in Washington, DC.

1975; The Russian Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo launched. The Apollo-Soyuz mission was the first international manned spaceflight. 2010; After 86 days of gushing oil into the Gulf of Mexico and several previous attempts to contain the flow, BP caps its leaking oil well.

Picture Of The Day: As you may have ascertained, today's pictures are in the canine category both near and dear to my heart.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever. 2) When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman? 3) If your mother-in-law and your father-in-law were both engulfed in flames and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it? 4) A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "Down in Tijuana", "One time when we were all piss drunk", or "And this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw". 5) You tell me to "walk a mile in your shoes" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 15th: Falling in love is an absolute blessing and will fill your life with sugar plums, fairies and flowers. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and are you ever gonna need some beholdin'. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today.

Birthdays: My pal Marie - Happy Birthday baby ! 19XX,  Rembrandt, Dutch painter, etcher and draftsman 1606, Clement Moore, poet 1779, Mother Cabrini, nun 1850, Iris Murdoch, writer 1919.

The proverbial "dog days" of summer

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: While out walking along the edge of a bayou, a Louisiana a woman walking with her soon to be ex-husband were discussing property settlement and other divorce issues. Suddenly they were surprised by a huge 14 foot alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water charging at them with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

The woman said, "If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun."

A good old boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here." He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house. The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. what does it look like I'm a doin'?" His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people like us a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whup your ass!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"

The cook said, "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon." The blonde sid, "Oh, ok." She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."Supplies!!!"

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, 40 percent of divorces stem from money issues, 40 percent are caused by infidelity and the remaining 20 percent have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !