Karma Chameleons

No, today's post is not about Boy George or Karma, for that matter. It's about lizards, in particular, chameleons. They have always fascinated me and I spent a lot of time catching them as a boy, as well as other critters. This particular hobby did not make my mother very happy, but she put up with it.

Here in Miami, there weren't a lot of exotic species roaming around back in the day and I only knew of three or four lizard varieties at the time. Nowadays, there are many more exotics that came here in shipping containers or were imported by pet dealers.

My favorite was the chameleon who changed colors from green to brown. The more colorful of the species were not around and I had no idea they even existed.

It didn't take me too much time to learn that, unless you knew what to feed a lizard, its days were numbered. I also learned that my mother's usual easy going temperament changed drastically when she discovered a dead lizard inside the house.

Although my fascination with the reptiles continued, the constant chance of mother finding a lizard who had long since gone to lizard heaven dampened my lizard capturing hobby. It was just one of those phases that a boy goes through while growing up and I look back upon those times with fondness.

The News As I See It: Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

Chicago has now surpassed New York City as the murder capital of the United States. That's really surprising since New York has twice as many NFL teams.

Starbucks has a  new policy. If you have a gun, they're asking you to leave it at home, thus making it easier for them to rob you. The CEO said, "It's our job to rob you anyway."

The New York Times is very respected(?) and has won more Pulitzer Prizes than any other newspaper. If you don't know what that is, I'll explain. A newspaper is a big papery blog with yesterday's news.

Researchers at Ohio State say the number of pedestrians whose have been injured while using smartphones while walking has more than doubled since 2005. They also confirmed that those injuries are hilarious to watch.

The federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.

Senators Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan "B" if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like since when did they have a Plan "A"?

Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years. But then he said, "But wait, there's more," and added another five years.
 

This Date In History: 1870; Victor Emmanuel II, the first king of modern Italy, seized the Papal States from the French. 1881; Chester A. Arthur was sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, succeeding James A. Garfield, who had been assassinated.

1973; Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in a battle of the sexes tennis match. 1998; Baltimore Oriole shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr., sat out a game, ending his consecutive game playing streak. Ripken played 2,632 consecutive games over 16 seasons.

2000; Independent Counsel Robert Ray announced the end of the Whitewater investigation, saying there was insufficient evidence to charge President Clinton and his wife, Hillary.

2001; President George W. Bush addressed the nation and a joint session of Congress about terrorism. He also named Tom Ridge as head of the new Office of Homeland Security.

Picture Of The Day: The chameleon has the ability to change color and to move each eye independently. The color change is involuntary, contrary to common belief and is brought about by light, temperature, and nervous stimulation such as anger or fear. It is not related to the color of the substance on which the chameleon happens to be.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As I get older, I'm really just looking for Girls Gone Mild. 2) John 3:16, Matthew 3:17, Luke 3:18. It was a very close race. 3) She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano. 4) My neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince my cat that he just had thick fur. 5) My girlfriend complains about everything I do. It's like she doesn't know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: The next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client."

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 20th: Damaging words reach your ears after a disagreement over a neighbor's pets. Damaging "poo" will be flung back across the garden fence if the issue is not resolved within the next few weeks. The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests.

Birthdays: My karaoke pal Carol - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Sir James Dewar, chemist and physicist 1842, Herbert Putnam, librarian 1861, Upton Sinclair, American novelist and socialist 1878, Red Auerbach, basketball coach 1917, Dr. Joyce Brothers, psychologist 1928, Sophia Loren, actress 1934 Guy Lafleur, hockey player 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Last year, a blond  replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. She got a call from the contractor who had installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a year ago and she still hadn't paid for them.

The blond said, "Hellloooo, just because I'm blond doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid." She told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told her last year, "that in one year, these windows would pay for themselves!" She said, "Helllooooo? It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line and he finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.

She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal....some shopping, cleaning and cooking.

After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where’s my washcloth?" Her mother told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink and it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Needless to say, she's never going back to that gynecologist again......ever!

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, there are literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don't even know it. I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !