The Florida Keys

The Florida Keys are probably one of the nicest places to get away from it all. There's so much to do and the amazing places to be seen are enumerable. Living within a one hour drive to the Middle Keys, I've spent a lot of time swimming, fishing, partying and generally enjoying the Florida sunshine.

The locals are also part of the atmosphere and, for the most part, they're always fun to be around. As a rule, you'll usually run into someone you know and I've met several musicians and celebrities in the Keys, including former World Champion boxer Alexis Arguello, among others.

My preference has always been the middle keys as Key West proper is more of a tourist area than a good place to hang out and relax. Nevertheless, you have to go once and decide for yourself.

I owned a condo with some friends there for many years, but circumstances changed and I had to sell. Nevertheless the memories remain and, unfortunately, some of the stories can't be repeated...at least until the statute of limitations expire.

Suffice to say, there were some crazy times with some fairly crazy (and caring) people back in the day and I keep their fond memories close to me. If you ever have the chance to vacation in the Florida Keys, I highly recommend it.

The News As I See It: John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Even worse, it was strip poker. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what politicians like Anthony Weiner are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad.

Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.

Thursday was the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season. In other words, a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers.

Obama has been saying all week that he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said, "Yes and no."

Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he's right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal — that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.

Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been announced. As is the custom, Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.

This Date In History: 1901; President William McKinley was shot by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. McKinley died on September 14th. 1941; Nazi Germany required all Jews over the age of six to wear a yellow Star of David on their clothes.

1995; Baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr., broke Lou Gehrig's iron man record by playing in his 2,131st straight game. 1997; More than 2 billion people watched Princess Diana's funeral on TV.

1998; Japanese movie director Akira Kurosawa died in Tokyo at age 88. 2007; Italian operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti died at age 71.

Picture Of The Day: Under the water today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 2) So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence. 3) Hey!.... Geese crossing the road!.... You can fly!....... 4) Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the vault. She's kinky, but at least she's into safe sex......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 6th: The stars are pretty much describing a situation where a self-prescribed course of celibacy may help you regain the confidence that is lacking in your love life. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you find yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: Marquis de Lafayette, French general and political leader 1757, John Dalton scientist 1766, Catherine Beecher educator 1800, Jane Addams social worker 1860, Joseph P. Kennedy financier 1888, Claire Lee Chennault general 1890, Jane Curtin actress 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, with both hands, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. He asked, "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the damned jar open."

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." The boy replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Linda from Washington State for their contributions to today's stories.

A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub. A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt." The genie says, "You're a crafty bastard, aren't you."

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation But I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll screw her again!'

That's it for today, my little water lilies. Remember, dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !