They Are Watching (So Wear Clean Underwear)

I wonder if people you see on the news, shown from the waist down and walking down the street, ever recognize themselves? Can't you just visualize Alice Kramden saying, "Hey Ralph, your big ass is on the news again." Yep, it's the street reports and the subject of choice can be just about anything. 

I'm sure you've witnessed the countless news reports from being overweight, to smoking, to people carrying Starbucks coffee, ad nauseum. The one thing that binds the stories together is that the media needs a visual and the easiest and cheapest way is to merely video the people on the streets.

The thought that struck me as funny was that the poor souls who happen to be watching the evening news and, in a flash, there they are.....on TV. Now they're thinking, "I knew I should have worn my black jacket" or "You know the camera adds about ten pounds." 

I'd be kinda pissed if I happened to be captured in a bad light, but then again, it's funny if it happens to be someone else, or better yet, your ex-mother-in-law. It's really like a glorified version of the people of Walmart.....

Nominations for the 86th Academy Awards were announced yesterday. The nominees are numerous and would take up the page if I listed them, so check them out in your browser.

I was surprised to hear the media whining about those who weren't nominated. Robert Redford, for the seafaring drama "All Is Lost" was not nominated. He’s been up for his acting only once before for 1973’s "The Sting."

Among the women, Emma Thompson was forgotten for "Saving Mr. Banks," as was Jennifer Garner for "Dallas Buyers Club." Lee Daniels’ "The Butler" was completely shut out which means no nominations for its leads, Forest Whitaker and Oprah Winfrey (Sorry, Oprah, you can't buy a nomination, you have to give an outstanding performance).

It amuses me how the egos of the "snubbed" actors are affected as well as the inflation of the egos of the nominees. Hey, it's a movie. Get over it......

The News As I See It: Oprah's movie "The Butler" was not nominated for the best picture Oscar. Oprah is said to be very unhappy, but she's being comforted by her 700 real butlers.

Justin Bieber's egg-throwing scandal is rocking the judicial world. If Justin is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. American officials are hopeful they can get "deported" changed to "catapulted."

The White House announced that Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles.

Country music singer Trace Adkins was on a country music-themed cruise when he got into a fight with a Trace Adkins impersonator. It was a nasty brawl. In fact, it took five Elvises to pull them apart.

In a new interview, Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. Michelle said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, she doesn't want to be recognized

A new report found that more than half of the people who have signed up for Obamacare are older than 45. Which is no big deal until you find out they were 25 when they first tried to log onto the website.

This Date In History: 1706; Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston. 1806; James Madison Randolph, the grandson of Thomas Jefferson, became the first child born in the White House.

1893; Hawaii's Queen Liliuokalani was forced to abdicate by a group of planters and businessmen. 1945; Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary while in Soviet custody.

1977; Gary Gilmore became the first person executed in the U.S. since the death penalty was reintroduced. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was launched against Iraq. 1998; President Clinton became the first sitting U.S. president to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil suit.

Picture Of The Day: The streets and sidewalks of the cities always offer interesting subjects. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired and I pee a lot. 2) The good thing about growing older is that your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 3) I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her screaming kid in the overhead compartment and she looked at me like I was crazy or something. 4) I'll bet Egyptians thought, "Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the Internet. 5) Teach a child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 17th: Although similes can often be used as humorous ways to compare something that is banal to something that is funny, you are neither cunning nor weasel like. It would be best if you left the comedy to the comedians. This horoscope does not affect your statutory rights.

Birthdays: My pal and one of the best guys I know, Jack Darnell, renowned author and world traveler - Happy Birthday my friend! 19XX, Benjamin Franklin, American Statesman 1706, Kid Rock, rock musician 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a high class jewellery shop. She browsed around, spotted a beautiful bracelet and walked over to inspect it. As she bent over to look at it more closely, she accidentally farted.

Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident and prayed that a sales person didn't pop up right now. As she turned around, her worst nightmare materialized in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greeted the lady, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman might just not have been there at the time of her "little" accident, she asked, "What is price of this lovely bracelet?"

The salesman answered, "Madam, if you farted just by looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 90th birthday and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." The bartender replied, "Coming up."

As she finished that drink, a man to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

As the bartender gave her the drink, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The man says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts.

At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

That's it for today, my little red cabooses. Remember, vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !