Government: One Lies And The Other Swears To It

The government is a joke! It is filled with liars, bribes and cronyism. Attorney General has been censured by Congress with no apparent effect or punishment. Soon to be censured IRS head Lois Lerner will probably escape from any serious punishment, as well.

Former CIA head Mike Morell altered the talking point on Benghazi (surely at the behest of Obama for re-election purposes) and he won't be punished either. Moreover, Morell left the CIA in 2013 and joined a Washington, D.C. consultancy co-founded by the principal gatekeeper to Hillary Clinton, thus covering her cankled ass as well.

Now we have Al Sharpton, now also known as "Confidential Informant No. 7," The longtime race-baiting agitator and civil-rights activist was exposed Monday as an alleged former key FBI informant whose tips helped take down some of the biggest names in New York Mafia history.

The Smoking Gun reported, as other news organizations have in the past, that Sharpton became an informant after he was caught on a video nodding along as a drug kingpin discussed cocaine deals. His cooperation allegedly prevented the possibility that he would be charged.

This is the tip of the iceberg, folks. The government has lost or "misplaced" billions of dollars of tax payer monies and no one can find it. Here's a thought. Try looking in the accounts of Congressmen, their families, their businesses and their associated friendly contractors. This is one of the reasons that a hammer cost $600.....incompetence.

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The News As I See It: A Michigan couple is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.

San Francisco Police are looking for a group of thugs who have been tipping Smart cars over. Well, they’re assuming it’s thugs. It could have just been a stiff breeze.

The archbishop of Atlanta is being forced to sell a $2.2 million mansion he bought using church funds. The bishop said he wanted the extra space because he was tired of only moving diagonally.

David Letterman has announced that he is retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction is that now he's seeing kind of a wistful tone to his hate mail. About a year from now, he'll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages.

Married Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in a bit of hot water. He was caught by a security camera making out with one of his staffers. Where was this security camera? In his own office....

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, "I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats." He added, "I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train."

This Date In History: 1731; Robert Jenkins's ear was cut off, sparking the War of Jenkins’s Ear between Spain and England. 1865; Gen. Robert E. Lee surrendered to Gen. Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House.

1914; The first full-color film, The World, The Flesh and the Devil, was shown in London. 1939; Contralto Marian Anderson, after being denied performing at Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., gave a concert at the Lincoln Memorial.

1942; American and Philippine troops on Bataan were overwhelmed by Japanese forces during World War II. The "Bataan Death March" began soon after.

1959; NASA announced the selection of America’s first astronauts, including Alan Shepard and John Glenn. 1963; Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S. citizen. 1992; Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted of drug and racketeering charges.

2003; American Marines pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue in Baghdad after U.S. commanders declared his rule ended. 2005; Britain's Prince Charles marries Camilla Parker Bowles.

Picture Of The Day: Speaking of a corrupt government, your taxes are due April 15th.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried playing an Indian song. 2) Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport. 3) Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe? 4) Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea." 5) I haven't seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Give a someone a fish and they can eat for a day. Give a someone a jelly fish and you can pee on them.

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 9th: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but a beerholder with a Budweiser in it would be handy, just in case. 

Birthdays: My friend Lisa - Happy Birthday 19XX, Charles Baudelaire, poet 1821, Eadweard Muybridge, photographer 1830, Paul Robeson, American actor and bass singer 1898, J. William Fulbright, senator 1905, Jean-Paul Belmondo, actor 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot. The man exclaimed, "No way, no needles! I hate needles!."

So the dentist started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank and the man said, “I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. He said, "No, I'm fine with pills."

So, the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. He asked, "What are those?" She replied, "Viagra." The patient said, " I'll be damned. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." The dentist replied,, "It doesn't, but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Her ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to him and immediately began to apologize. She told him, "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain, if you'd allow me." The man replied. "Oh no, I'll be fine in a few minutes." He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

The Doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" The man answered, "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" The salesman replied, "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" The salesman said, "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

That's it for today, my little Frosted Flakes. Remember, regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. If things go well, I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !