If You're OCB And Know It Wash Your Hands

I think I have OCD and Dyslexcia which sometimes leave me in a quandary. There are times that I enjoy multi-tasking with one hand while the other hand just pokes fun. Then dyslexia, with a little help from the Reverend Spooner, kicks in and I don't know whether to blit or go shind (For the hard of understanding, see "Spoonerism").

Sometimes I think that it's due to growing older when doddering becomes more common. But then I remembered the time I got home at 3 am and I realized I was getting ready to pee in the dirty clothes hamper. Fortunately I was able to stop and it didn't take a math genius to figure out where I had tossed my underwear and socks.

I save everything. I don't know why, I just do. Witness my current stash of 7,000 plastic bags under the sink which I am reluctant to throw out. It is my understanding that New York grocery stores are considering charging 10 cents per bag to their customers. Who's laughing now, eh?

I wonder how many poor OCB bastards pulled over to fix this horror?

The News As I See It: The new movie "Jersey Boys" just opened. It's based on the Broadway play. It's about the musical group "Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons". Their biggest hit was "Big Girls Don't Cry" which came out in 1962. I'm sure all the young people will relate.......

To be honest, I don't know how well "Jersey Boys" is going to do. People in Los Angeles can't relate to a movie about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons because people there have no idea what a season is.

This Date In History: 1868; Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for an invention he called a ''Type-Writer.'' 1947; The Senate overrode President Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act.

1969; Warren Burger was sworn in as Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1972; Richard Nixon and H. R. Haldeman discussed ways to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation. Revelation of this conversation spurred on Nixon's 1974 resignation.

1992; Mobster John Gotti was sentenced to life in prison. 1995; Dr. Jonas Salk, the medical pioneer who developed the first polio vaccine, died. 2003; The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the University of Michigan's School of Law affirmative action policy.

Picture Of The Day: This one made me laugh. If you're not familiar with Obsessive Compulsive Behavior, the humor may elude you. On a serious note, OCB can be very scary for those unable to cope. It is an often overlooked and misdiagnosed disorder. Most people just learn to live with it and adjust accordingly.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Instead of neutering my dog, I just make him wear Crocs. 2) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the fourth or the fifth. 3) I have a doctor friend who worked for 40 years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, he found the cure, but then he forgot it. 4) The people next door named their dog Carpenter, because he does little odd jobs around the house. 5) My friend got some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said, "remove cap and push up bottom." He says he can barely walk, but whenever he passes gas, the room smells freakin' awesome.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 23rd: An Asian person may appear in your life this week. If you're lucky, it will be a man because chances are that he will be a Sushi chef. On the other hand, it may be a lovely young woman. But remember, just because her tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make her spiritual. It's right above the crack of her ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli."

Birthdays: Edward VIII, king of Great Britain and Ireland 1894, Alan Turing, computer scientist 1912, Wilma Rudolph, track and field 1940, James Levine, music director 1943, Clarence Thomas, associate justice 1948, Frances McDormand, actress 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that shoe and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Johnnie Walker Black scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !