Flying Is For The Birds

I hate flying! My reason is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line for a TSA employee to grope me, crying babies or long walks on the beach. Wait... Scratch that last one. That's from my eHarmony profile.

The good thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over-tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal fortitude to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in the self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it.

Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black socks.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I can locate my seat by visually scouring the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under ten pounds should be Fed-Exed to their destination.
 

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of flyers who drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking.

This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose. The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

Ladies' News Alert: All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.....

The News As I See It: The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.

They said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. You know, like a newspaper. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before Facebook asked us which sandwich we were.

Seventeen siblings from New Jersey won $20 million in the lottery. When asked how they plan to spend the money, they said, "Remodeling the shoe we grew up in."

There's trouble between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Friends say Kim has what they call the "two-month itch". Apparently the trouble began somewhere between the words "I" and "Do."

Comic-Con wrapped up over the weekend in San Diego. If you don't know, Comic-Con is the world's largest gathering of people who know the difference between a modem and a router. According to Time magazine, the number of women attending Comic-Con has doubled in the last five years — it went from four to eight.

This Date In History: 1619; The first legislative assembly in English North America convened in Jamestown, Va. 1729; The U.S. city of Baltimore was founded. 1932; The tenth modern Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.

1945; The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine and sank within 15 minutes. It was one of the greatest naval losses of World War II, resulting in the deaths of nearly 900 men.

1956; The phrase "In God We Trust" was adopted as the U.S. national motto. 1965; President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare Bill into law. 1975; Former Teamsters union president James Hoffa was reported missing. Many suspect he was murdered, though his remains have never been found.

1980, The Republic of Vanuatu, formerly known as the New Hebrides, gained its independence from France and Britain. 2002, Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk in a professional basketball game. 2012, 620 million people were without power in India, the worst power outage in world history.

Picture Of The Day: On the ground, I respect most pilots. While I'm white-knuckled flying, this is my mental image.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 2) If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living. 3) I just learned an important lesson: When texting "Wish you were here," that last "e" kind of makes it or breaks it. 4) Why is it that the people with the ugliest feet always wear flip-flops? 5) Although I'm still on my game, I think my wild oats are slowly turning into shredded wheat.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 30th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: My friend Sydney - Happy Birthday girl 19XX, Emily Brontë ,author 1818, Thorstein Veblen, economist 1857, Henry Ford, American industrialist, pioneer automobile manufacturer 1863, Casey Stengel, baseball player and manager 1891, Henry Moore, sculptor 1898, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Governor of California, and pseudo actor 1947, Lisa Kudrow actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. The old man responds, "I'm 85 years old."

The woman says, "85 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!" His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. As a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out, he said to himself, "What the Hell is this?" He hollered into the bathroom, "April, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a man and a woman. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer. The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her and put its face between her legs. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs and rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "You betcha! Just get rid of that damned tiger!"

That's it for today, my little kitty Kats. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !