Heading To Happy Hour

I'm going to Sabores Restaurant tonight for happy hour and Karaoke. The site used to be Holleman's Restaurant and I go back many years there. On any given Friday or Saturday night, there was a one hour wait for the dinning room, especially if it was during horse racing season and Hialeah Parks was open.

I have a history in the dining room because, back in the day, it was customary to smoke a bit before dinner and then the obligatory martini or two while waiting for a table.

Once seated, everyone usually ordered more drinks (Dewars scotch) and dinner (Blackened Red Snapper), followed by their famous key lime pie and of course, coffee and a liqueur (Strega or Zambuca).

That particular evening I got in trouble with my wife for flirting with the waitress (Peggy) and subsequentl banned (by Peggy) for two weeks for unscrewing the overhead light bulb which was tormenting me.

The (you'll pardon the expression) "unscrewing" caused the stained glass fixture to short out, which was the main reason for my two week exile.

Afterwards, everyone went to the bar and although I cannot write every incident that occured (warrants still outstanding), it was the night where we were pulled over by Miami Springs police and the van we rode in looked like a Cheech and Chong movie when we got out.

It was the same night when my pal Ron shoved a drunken woman who tried to hit him into my pal Jim's lap and Jim just watched as she momentarily teetered and then fell to the floor. She was later escorted out by management and asked not to return.

Yep, I have a history there but it wasn't just me. There were a lot more players, but that's another story......

The News As I See It: The government announced today that they will soon start deporting seniors instead of illegals to save money on Social Services, Social Security and Obamacare. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I felt pretty bad for most of my readers, then I remembered. See you on the bus!

Obama was giving an interview recently and said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, Obama said, "Because he'd make me look amazing." In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.

Americans who couldn't get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn't mean that we're not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It's a giant bore involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy and what could go wrong with that?

This Date In History: 1946; The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll. 1952; Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States. 1956; The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.

1978; The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England. 1984; Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space. 2000; The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.

Picture Of The Day: If you asked me the definition of peace and sernity, I would simply show you this picture. The only way it get better is if my pals Jack and Woody were fishing with me. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking should do it. 2) Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage. 3) A woman knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children's Home, so I gave her my kids. She brought them back the next day and gave me $100. 4) I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts. 5) I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding.....I like the show. Besides, she's buried in the woods.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: Drinking alcohol to excess may well turn today into the worst tomorrow. Just in case, make sure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.

Birthdays: Henry Knox, officer 1750, Arthur Balfour, statesman 1848, Thomas Eakins, American painter, photographer and sculptor 1844, Walter Payton, football player 1954, Matt LeBlanc, actor 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Barry Soetero-Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne for her contribution to today's stories.

Two good ole boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replied, "He had a farm." The first asked, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her husband. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on.

She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

That's it for today, my little songbirds. Remember, if you're a senior citizen and thinking of getting another vehicle, buy a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage, but you can park anywhere. I'm going to the AREA 51 section of Sabores Restaurant for happy hour and karaoke.

Have a wonderful weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !