Blind Dates

I've don't like blind dates, mostly because they make me walk the seeing-eye dogs afterwards. Jokes aside, I've only been on one blind date in my life. A client once convinced me to go out with her friend. She didn't have any pictures of her and this was way before cell phones and Facebook.

I asked what she looked like and my first clue should have been when she answered, "She's a lot of fun." My mental reaction was "So, is my puppy, but I don't want to go out with her either. But since my client was attractive, I thought "birds of a feather" and I hesitantly agreed.

I'm a person who rarely buys online unless I know the product well, For this reason, I always buy new things, especially clothes, at the store. There, you can see how it looks, get the feel of the material and even try it on. You get the picture, but I digress.

I arrived at the young lady's apartment and almost immediately I knew I was in trouble. She asked me in and asked if I'd like a drink. I said, "Scotch on the rocks will be fine." When she said she didn't have any scotch, I volunteered to go get some and did so.

We sat and talked for a while, the scotch doing its part of the job and, oddly enough, she was a lot of fun and we spent most of the evening drinking and laughing. But, for me, the handwriting was on the wall. Perhaps she felt the same way about me.

Either way, I politely ended the evening around 11 pm, suggesting that I had a lot of work in the morning. She didn't protest. On the way home, I made a mental note that this was the first and last blind date I would ever go on.....

The News As I See It: Joe Biden, during a speech last week, referred to Asia as the "Orient", just hours after he apologized for using "shylock", a term that offends Jewish people. The White House calls Biden's remarks "unfortunate", while Obama calls them “a welcomed distraction".

That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the "Orient" and also offended Jewish people. This means he's just one "pull my finger" away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.

In Germany, it's the start of Oktoberfest. It is a time of many contradictions. It's called Oktoberfest, but it starts in September. It's a joyous celebration, but it takes place in Germany. Oktoberfest is the best time to visit Germany. Probably the worst time would be about 1937.

This Date In History: 1776; Nathan Hale was hanged by the British as a spy during the Revolutionary War. 1789; Congress authorized the office of Postmaster-General. 1792; The French Republic was proclaimed.

1862; President Abraham Lincoln issued the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation, proposing to free all slaves of rebel states as of Jan. 1, 1863. 1980; The Persian Gulf conflict between Iran and Iraq erupted into full-scale war. 1989; Songwriter Irving Berlin died in New York City at age 101.

Picture Of The Day: I don't know much about music systems, but I'm told that woofers and sub-woofers are a must.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Five years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked that same girl to marry me. She said no both times. 2) The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe Flash.

3) Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner and body wash: I have no desire to buy your crap. I'm holding out until it's also a car wax. By the way, I'm pretty sure it's spelled "Ask". 4) Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet.

5) It's said that mother's milk is a perfect formula for the child and it provides immunity against several diseases. Personally, I like the cute containers that it comes in.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 22nd: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell.

Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: My friend Robert, who is under the weather - Happy Birthday and get well soon ! 18XX, Michael Faraday, English scientist 1791, Theodore Clement Steele, artist 1847, Babette Deutsch, poet 1895, Tommy Lasorda, baseball manager 1927.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart. But I was wrong, too."

A rock star and hunter from Michigan was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

The rock star replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress." That ended the interview.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'." The old guy obeys and says,"99."

The doctor says, "Great."Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One... Two... Three..."

An old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good grief....is that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

That's it for today, my little ponies. Remember, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce because the other fifty percent can't afford lawyers.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !