I Missed Luly's Birthday Party

It's day 11 of my war against this bug that's trying to kill me, but I'm gaining ground. I'm not coughing as much and the congestion is subsiding. I have been getting texts from one of my loves who I have given the code name, "My Perfect Martini".

She has been diligently checking on me to see how I am (which is one of the many reasons I love her) and to remind me to follow the doctors orders which she knows I usually do not.

This plague caused me to miss my karaoke pal and friend Luly's Birthday party on Saturday night which really angered me. I was feeling pretty good up until it was time to dress when I had another coughing attack which literally made me dizzy.

I knew then that the handwriting was on the wall and going to the party was out of the question. Even if I had been feeling better, I knew that all it would have taken was one of my spastic coughing attacks to possibly spoil the evening.

The funny thing that as it got to be time to have left for the party, I felt better for the rest of the evening. I did get to see pictures of Luly's party and it looked like everyone had a good time.

In the interim, more and more people have been contacting me who have or have had this same crud. They survived, so I guess there's a chance for me as well.

The News As I See It: Kanye West just released a new ballad, "Only One," featuring one of the greatest musicians of all time, Sir Paul McCartney. Apparently, West's fans are not very worldly or just plain ignorant. Some of the Tweets by Kanye fans were quite humorous.

One said: "I don't know who Paul McCartney is, but Kanye is going to give this guy a career w/this new song." 

Another said: "Kanye has a great ear for talent. This Paul McCartney guy is gonna be huge".

And finally, "This is why I love Kanye West, for shinning light on new artists."

Really? None of you retards ever heard of Paul McCartney, The Beatles, Wings,? Did yo mama drop you on yo head when you was a chile.....?

This Date In History: 1896; A German newspaper reported German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen's discovery of X-rays. 1914; Henry Ford introduced the $5-a-day minimum wage.

1925; Nellie Tayloe Ross became the first woman governor of a state (Wyoming). 1972; President Nixon ordered the development of the space shuttle. 2000; INS Commissioner Doris Meissner ruled that 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez must be returned to Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: This is My Perfect Martini's code signal to let her know I'm thinking of her - Besito!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So he asked me, "Do you have any drugs or alcohol on you?" I answered, "Yep, I'm all set. Thanks Officer". 2) My friend bought a pedigree dog for $300. I told him, "Give me $300 and I'll shit on your carpet."  3) For young parents preparing answers for their children's future questions, here's a question you'll get: "Dad, why did your generation find a fat Korean guy singing 'Gangnam Style' and pretending to ride a horse entertaining?" 4) Children can be so annoying. How many times can you say, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. 5) I saw a woman with a tattoo on her ass that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 5th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events.

Birthdays: Zebulon Pike, explorer 1779, Constantin Stanislavsky, actor, producer, teacher 1863, Konrad Adenauer, West German chancellor 1876, George Reeves, actor 1914 Robert Duvall, actor 1931, Umberto Eco, novelist, essayist, and scholar 1932, Hayao Miyazaki, filmmaker, animator 1941, Diane Keaton, actress, director 1946, Bradley Cooper, actor 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."

He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.

When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours -- but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"

A man and his wife were hiking when a large brown bear came charging out of nowhere. Evidently it was a female because they had noticed two cubs earlier in the hike. Fortunately the man had a small jetfire pistol which may have saved his life.

Just one round to his wife's kneecap and that was all it took. The bear got his wife and he was able to escape by briskly walking away. He tearfully said it was of the best firearms in his collection.

The always beautiful Luly musing on her birthday

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

The Head Gardner at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitney, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many U.S. Presidents.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitney, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

Mr Whitney said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember,the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !