Coffee, Cream And Sugar, No Commentary Thanks

No one in my family speaks until after we finish our morning coffee. If, for some unknown reason Duncan Donuts or McDonald's is closed and I decide to purchase a $9 cup of coffee, I want my coffee without discussing race relations, or anything else, for that matter.

I don't go to Starbucks. I resent the idea that they expect me to pay $9 for a cup of over-priced coffee from a college student and refer to him as a "barrista". Bro, you're a college kid, who may or may not graduate, working as a waiter and hawking coffee.

I certainly do not intend to engage in a conversation about race relations at 6 o'clock in the morning with a Liberal Arts major who is predisposed to believe that if you're white, you must be a racists and Obama is the chosen one..

I've only been to Starbucks twice. The first time was out of curiosity and after looking at the prices, I quickly realized it was strictly there for people who were legends in their own mind. The second time was to pee. I just grabbed an empty Starbucks cup and left them my definition of a mocha latte.

No one seems to like Starbucks' absurdly stupid "Race Together" initiative, but the people who hate it the most are probably the waiters barristas, who have been asked by their wealthy bosses to bear the responsibility of starting discussions about American racism. Not only must you make coffee all day with the efficiency of a machine, you have to deal with entitled dickhead customers.

In the interim, I'll just stop by McDonalds for my coffee. Hell, I even get a seniors' discount, but being a senior, by definition, I can never remember to ask for the discount.....
   

Right! I'm going to have a deep conversation with Goofy about race relations at 6 o'clock in the morning

The News As I See It: During a speech, Obama discussed the country's successful economy and said, "I'm going to take a little credit." Then the people at the rally said, "Dude, we're all here in the middle of the day because we don't have jobs. So stop talking about how good the economy is." Obama then said, "I've got to take a little credit." Then the economy got bad again and he said, "Republicans did it."

Obama was photographed wearing a fitness tracker that features a GPS, heart monitor, and step counter. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was photographed wearing a necklace with his name, address, and allergies in case he gets lost.

During an interview with Playboy, Dick Cheney said Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.

Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Hawaii's governor said, "Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It’s especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?

This Date In History: 1602; The Dutch East India Company was established. During its 196-year history, it became one of the world's most powerful companies. 1727; English physicist/astronomer Sir Isaac Newton died in London at age 84.

1852; Harriet Beecher Stowe's "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was published. 1969; John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. 1985; Libby Riddles became the first woman to win the Iditarod. 1990; Namibia becomes an independent nation.

1995; Two members of the Japanese cult Aum Sinrikyo released poisonous gas in a Tokyo subway stop during rush hour, killing 12 people and sending over 5,000 to the hospital for treatment.

1999 ; Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones became the first to fly a hot-air balloon nonstop around the world. 2003; Ground troops entered Iraq and a second round of air strikes against Baghdad was launched.

Picture Of The Day: I'll pass on any conversation. Just give me my coffee.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My son asked, "Am I adopted?" I told him, "Not yet, but we're hopeful." 2) How can you go broke selling Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana? 3) When you apply for a job at Hooters, they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." 4) My friend had to sign a form stating she understands her mother's cremation is non-reversible. I weep for our species. 5) I was winning a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer.....and That's five !

Bonus Sixth: My friend's wife told him If she had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons, she would've become a lesbian.....

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 20th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. Bits and pieces of last night will flash before your eyes today. This is all due to the excitement and pleasure of your new found love - drinking all night at the country music karaoke bar.

Birthdays: Henrik Ibsen, Norwegian dramatist and poet 1928, Frederick W. Taylor, industrial engineer 1856, B. F. Skinner, psychologist 1904, Alfonso Garcia Robles, statesman, Nobel Prize winner 1911, Carl Reiner, actor, writer, director 1922, Fred Rogers, television personality 1928, Bobby Orr, hockey player 1948, William Hurt, actor 1950, Holly Hunter, actress 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

Finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor said calmly, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

A German engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friends Linda in Washington State and Wally for their contribution to today's stories.

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Scotland and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Scottish woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked lad?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in."

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

She asked, "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating," She asked her father, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" He replied, "That's a Daddy Long legs." The little girl asked, "So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?" Her father replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. She said, "Well, that might be okay in California, but we're not having any of that "Brokeback Mountain" crap in Texas"

The hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions.

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, dyslexics are teople poo ! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !