So, You Locked Your Keys In The Car Again, Eh?

Remember locking your keys in the car the first time? You pushed the door to close and then, that agonizing moment when your eyes locked on the ignition only to see that the keys were still in it?

That mental picture becomes burned into your brain and that frozen moment in time, that snapshot, never, ever, leaves your mind again. It is also probably one of the first times you screamed obscenities, some made up on the spot, at the top of your lungs.

The same is true of locking your keys in your apartment. You lock the door and give it at slight push. At the same moment, your hand goes to your pocket to pat for the keys and they're not there. Once again, as the door is closing, you realize the keys are inside the apartment and "click", another mental snaphot.

Back in the day, there was just that simple door lock, much like any door lock in your house, but with a key. Most people didn't have a dead bolt lock, because, frankly, there was just not that many assholes around to break into your place and rob you. Either that, or they had already cased my apartment and figured it wasn't worth the effort. I mean how much money can you make for the resale of a beanbag chair, a black light and ten Pink Floyd psychedelic posters?

Situations like this also brings out the creativity in me. In the old days, you could esily unlock the door with a metal coat hanger. Automobile technology has refined the door locks now so that the only a thief can break into your car.

I carry a spare car key in my wallet and spare house keys in my car. I'm sure that there's still a hole somewhere in my plans and theories, but it's Friday and I don't want to think any more.....

Oh, by the way, have you ever locked your keys in the car with the motor running? Nah, me neither......

The News As I See It: Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

They found an Osama bin Laden scrapbook with photos from the '90s and they're studying each and every photo very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

In Utah, now if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

This Date In History:1639; Cambridge College was renamed Harvard University. 1781; The German-born English astronomer Sir William Herschel discovered the planet Georgium Sidus, later known as Uranus. Herschel came up with the name after observing his nude wife bend over to pick up something off the floor..

1852; "Uncle Sam" cartoon appeared for the first time in N.Y. Lantern weekly. 1868; The Senate began President Andrew Johnson's impeachment trial. 1906 Suffragist Susan B. Anthony died. 1925; Tennessee passed a bill prohibiting the teaching of evolution in public schools. 1930; Clyde W. Tombaugh announced the discovery of the planet Pluto.

1972; Britain and China resumed full diplomatic relations after 22 years; Britain withdrew its consulate from Taiwan. 1996; A man shot dead 16 children and a woman teacher in a school in Dunblane, Scotland. He then shot himself. 2012; The Encyclopaedia Britannica discontinued its print edition after 244 years.

Picture Of The Day: Patrick McSpidey is coming.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Vegans with children named "Hunter" or "Lance" are one of the reasons why I lie awake at night. 2) I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces. 3) I'll bet LaShawndra's church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace. 4) Thanks to a huge spider web I walked into coming out of the shower today, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked. 5) At the airport yesterday, a TSA worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, she's right behind me.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 13th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.

Birthdays: Maria Theresa, queen of Bohemia and Hungary 1717, Henry William Stiegel, iron and glass manufacturer 1729, Sir Arthur Sullivan, composer 1842, Georges Braque, painter 1882, Joe Louis, world champion heavyweight boxer 1914, Harvey Keitel, actor 1939, Stevie Wonder, singer, composer, producer 1950.

"I did not have text with that woman"

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then, you ask him."

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning, he left and returned with a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
 

Obama's legacy and contribution to America slowly make their way into world history

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Head Gardner at the White House was fired after 28 years of service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe? The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

He grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!" She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

That's it for today, my little four-leaf-clovers. Remember, don't make exceptions for ignorant people. An asshole with a flower in it is not a vase. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !