School Daze

I'm unsure what elementary schools teach the children nowadays, but back in the day, two memories which I've tried desperately to forget was the doing the Maypole and Square Dancing. The girls seemed to enjoy these activities and the boys hated them.

Hearken back, if you will, to the days of elementary school where, aside from organized activities, boys were more into catching reptiles and insects while the girls were seemingly occupied with whatever little girls do to entertain themselves.

One of my memories was the look on my teacher's face as he watched us attempt to follow his instructions as to how to weave the Maypole. I believe that he has seen better Chinese fire drills.

As for Square Dancing, I must have been a little more proficient in my efforts in that I was selected along with seven other children to perform in front of other classes. Imagine that!

Every day, weather permitting, boys and girls went outside to play for about an hour with the girls playing together and the boys playing together. The only "co-educational" activities I remember was Red Rover and Dodge Ball and even those games were occasionally segregated if the boys got too rough.

I don't recall exactly when we were introduced to the Maypole and square dancing activities but I do remember that it seemed to be a complete waste of play time. I must say, however, that looking back on these activities helped me hone what little skill I have when dealing with the female species.

The News As I See It: KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will stop rioting, looting and burning, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner.

During a charity boxing match last Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren. 

Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game over the weekend. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

Obama recently joined Twitter and began with a tweet that read, "Hello, Twitter!" His bio says, "Dad, husband, and president of the United States." He didn’t have to say "Dad." We got that when he tweeted "Hello, Twitter!" His use of the word "President" was typical of a person who never was breast fed as a child.

Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their health care than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can’t afford health care, just buy yourself an Apple Watch.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus died in Spain. 1861; North Carolina voted to secede from the Union. 1927; Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. 1961; A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire.

1978; Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.

1996; In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination. 2002; East Timor became the newest nation.

Picture Of The Day: My medical advice of the day.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look, if you really need a Heimlich maneuver, just ask me nicely. Enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit. 2) One of my white lies was telling my daughters that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage. 3) It's nothing serious, we just going out together most mornings for brunch. We're Friends with Benedict. 4) Men developed the Theory of Relatively, walked on the moon and painted the Mona Lisa, yet are still baffled by bra hooks. 5) No thanks, World Cup. If I wanted to watch dudes run around for 3 hours and leave with a tie, I'd just go to Sears.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 20th: Stick to you diet this week. It will pay off in the long run. By the way, if you happen to hear the Pink Panther song playing when you sneak down the hall for a midnight snack, you're breaking the diet.

Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, Americn First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, actress, pop star 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse."

The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. Sean the bartender asks, "What happened to you? Paddy says, "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight."

Sean says, "That little shit, O'Conner? He couldn't do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." Paddy says,"That he did. A shovel is what he had and a terrible licking he gave me with it."

Sean says, "You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?" Paddy says, ''That I did. It was Mrs. O'Conner's right breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Leroy, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, it's considered tacky to take a beer cooler to church. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !