2016 Elections - The Year Of Pinocchio

The 2016 presidential elections irritate me. Republicans have a plethora of idiots running, only a few have merit. The Democrats have Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife impatiently waiting coronation. Cue the calliope.

Even some Democrats are wary of Hillary and her scandals and lies. But they have no choice. Democrats will vote for Democrats. There are so many Republicans running, I'm beginning to confuse their rhetoric. It's like the old Abbot and Costello bit, "Who's on First?".

I've always been of the opinion that the people should vote for the best candidate, regardless of political affiliation. This notion, while pure in thought, will never happen because too many people depend on the outcome of an election to insure their bread is buttered to their satisfaction.

Regardless of the outcome, the people who make large donations are served first as a thank you gift, being it in the form of an ambassadorship or appointment to a high ranking (and high paying) office.

These paybacks are made whether the appointee is qualified or not (witness Marie Harf, an Obama spokesperson who is dumber than a rock).

Nevertheless, 2016 should be an interesting election year and it will provide me with enough humorous fodder for the next 16 months or so.....

The News As I See It: Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. The first clue was when a soccer team scored a suspiciously high three goals in one game. The toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced he's resigning only four days after he was re-elected. The name "Sepp Blatter" sounds like a disease you look up on WebMD.

The National Spelling Bee co-champions are Vanya Shivashankar and Gokul Venkatachalam. They won the competition by spelling each other's names correctly.

Kim Kardashian announced that she's pregnant again. Kim said it's been a difficult pregnancy. She wakes up in the middle of the night craving publicity.

A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, Michelle Obama said, "Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer." Barry is reportedly considering the offer.

This Date In History: 1861; Stephen Douglas, U.S. politician, died. 1937; The Duke of Windsor (formerly Edward VIII) married Wallis Simpson. 1965; Maj. Edward White became the first U.S. astronaut to walk in space, during the Gemini 4 mission.

1979; The world's worst oil spill occurred when an exploratory oil well, Ixtoc 1, blew out, spilling over 140 million gallons of oil into the Bay of Campeche off the coast of Mexico.

1989; Chinese army troops head to Beijing to crush student-led pro-democracy demonstrations. 1989; Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini died.

Picture Of The Day: This picture is for my pal, Jack. No rhyme, no reason. Do not play with matches my friend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living. 2) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 3) I just learned an important lesson: When texting "Wish you were here," that last "e" kind of makes it or breaks it. 4) Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. 5) My first name is Jimmy but some of you may know me by my street name, 9th avenue.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 3rd: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy 1808, Henry James, philosophical theologian 1811, Raoul Dufy, painter 1877, Josephine Baker, dancer and singer 1906, Tony Curtis actor 1925, Allen Ginsberg, American poet 1926, Curtis Mayfield, singer-songwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night patiently waiting for her date. She leaned over in her chair to get her mirror from her purse and accidentally farted quite loudly just as the waiter walked up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and said, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a man and a woman. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and a chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her and put its face between her legs. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs and rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "You betcha! Just get rid of that damned tiger!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say, "Bite me." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !