I'm Not Quite Ready For The Farm

I'm not ready for the farm yet, but I am shopping for a straw hat and overalls. Yeah, I still go to the kitchen and then wonder why I went there, but I've developed tricks to overcome those minor problems. But today, I really cornered myself.

I called the cellphone company to resolve a minor problem. Everything was going fine until the young lady asked me for my password and I drew a complete blank. Since it's a good idea to have different passwords for different accounts, I have most of my passwords encrypted in a certain place.

But I have had this account since 1984 and never changed my password. Moreover, the password has a special meaning and I never, ever forget it....until today.

The silence must have been deafening to the young lady and I carefully explained my conundrum. She patiently told me to take my time and I just couldn't remember it. I asked her if she could ask me an alternate question and she explained that protocol required my coming up with the password or applying for a new one (which I did not want to do). And so I thought.....

Then she said, "It's numbers" and I immediately knew the password....partially. I said, "It's four numbers" and she said, "Right.....?" Encouraged, I said, "The first two are 'XX'" and she said, "Right....?" I said, "And I think the last two are 'XA'". She said "Lower" (remembering an old joke, I almost laughed out loud).

Finally, I came up with the last two numbers and we completed the transaction. We chatted for a bit and after thanking her profusely for her patience, we ended the call.

It was as if someone temporarily unplugged my computer and I had to restart it, a feeling like day and night. Naturally, the two little squirrels that run in the contraption that supplies power to my computer were unimpressed and told me so.....

The News As I See It: Obama is in Alaska to raise awareness on climate change and while he's there, he'll tape an episode of "Running Wild With Bear Grylls" where celebrities eat mice and squirrels and drink bodily fluids. In this episode, Obie teaches us how to survive alone in the wilderness surrounded by 15 secret service agents disguised as trees. The episode will also feature Obama roughing it on a golf course that hasn't been mowed for a couple of days.

Kanye West, at the end of his incoherent, rambling speech at the VMA Awards, announced that he's running for president in 2020. He announced after smoking a bunch of weed. Obama was like, "Been there!"

According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

This Date In History: 1666; The great fire of London broke out, destroying much of the city, including St. Paul's Cathedral. 1789; The U.S. Treasury Department was established.

1901; Vice President Theodore Roosevelt gave his "speak softly and carry a big stick" speech, regarding foreign policy, at the Minnesota State Fair.

1945; Japan's formal surrender in World War II was celebrated as Victory over Japan (V-J) Day. 1945; Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam an independent republic.

1963; Alabama governor George Wallace prevented the racial integration of Tuskegee High School by encircling the building with state troopers. 1969; North Vietnamese president Chi Minh died.

Picture Of The Day: Christie Brinkley at 61-years old.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got their tits caught in a zipper. 2) I went to the National Schizophrenic's Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 3) Hey, I may be old and senile, but at least I'm not old and senile. 4) If Obama was the answer, how stupid was the question? 5) Just once I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 2nd: Some days are a pain, but you've got a job and that's what's important. The bachelor of arts degree you have will soon move you from the deep fryer to MacDonalds manager. Chances of romance are 81 percent.

Birthdays: Liliuokalani, last reigning queen of the Hawaiian Islands 1838, Wilhelm Ostwald, physical chemist 1853, Andrew Grove, engineer, technology executive 1936, Peter V. Ueberroth, businessman 1937, Terry Bradshaw, pofessional football quarterback 1948, Christa McAuliffe, teacher 1948, Keanu Reeves, actor 1964, Salma Hayek, actress 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. The mother mouse to her baby, "See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking.

Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.......Mark!

Dear Abby:

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says he pays the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

He has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

To make everything worse, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics, next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ and the next he's with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. He's just so creepy! Can you help?

Signed, 
Lost 

 Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the asshole any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with him until 2016!

Signed,
Abby

That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !