Getting Ready For Thanksgiving

I went to Publix today thinking it wouldn't be too crowded. Wrong, turkey breath! It doesn't matter because I celebrate Thanksgiving the old way. I invite my neighbors, have dinner, then put them on reservations and take their land.

Preparing for Thanksgiving has always had a special place in my heart. I can still remember the day I shot my first turkey. It scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section.

Yes, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving but I won't be cooking. This year I'll be emitting strong hints as to my availability as someone's (anyone's) special guest.

But either way, I'm a survivor and if push comes to shove, I make a mean turkey sandwich......

Congratulations to Kyle Bush on winning the Homestead-Miami 400 and the Sprint Cup Series Championship.   

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton, In an interview with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, said that her biggest guilty pleasure is chocolate. Then it got awkward when she winked at Michael Strahan.

Jeb Bush hired a speech coach, and some people say his speeches are starting to get better. Unfortunately, no one can teach him to stop saying "Huacamole."

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam.

1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: The duck looks strangely familiar

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Cell phones have two brightness settings: "Dim" and "The messiah is back." 2) I knew that psychic wasn't credible when she let me write her a check. 3) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder".  4) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my own business is disturbing to other Target guests. 5) "We have nothing to fear but fear itself", said people who have never seen a flying cockroach.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - 23rd: People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "I'm needy" is probably not what they had in mind. You can freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door, but it's probably a bad idea.

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus actor, singer 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing?"

His wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser....at half the price."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all.

After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence and mounting every cow in his way. The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer ruefully smiled and replied, Yep, now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta go catch him!"

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, to err is human, to eh is Canadian.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !