The 2016 Class Of Lying Politicians

I don't know if I can handle all the political ads until November. I don't like the candidates in either party and every TV ad is typical lies and name calling. The only thing that I look forward to is Obama leaving office. How bad could the next president be?

After eight years of Bush and eight years of Obama, one would think that a new bright star with no agenda would appear on the horizon. Unfortunately, one would be wrong.

Every Political Speech: "My Fellow Americans: My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November."

The News As I See It: Hussein Obama recently made his first visit to a mosque while in office. He visited a mosque! Which means he’s officially entered the last phase of his presidency known as, "Screw America, these are my people."

In Iowa, after receiving less than one percent support in the caucuses, Martin O'Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they've decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend.

Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have also decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint."

Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday’s Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House.

Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, "Feel the Bern," the seniors think he’s talking about acid reflux.

This Date In History: 1811; After George III was declared insane, the Prince of Wales became Prince Regent of England, and later George IV. 1917; Congress passed the Immigration Act, which restricted Asian immigration, over President Wilson's veto.

1917; Mexico adopted its present constitution. 1937; FDR proposed increasing the number of Supreme Court justices—"packing" the court. 1994; Byron De La Beckwith was sentenced to life in prison for the murder of Medgar Evers, 30 years after the crime in Jackson, Mississippi.

1997; Under international pressure, three of Switzerland's biggest banks created a fund worth 100 million Swiss francs for Holocaust victims and their families.

Picture Of The Day: His moving date is coming. I wonder if he'll move back to Chicago?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Bill Clinton attempted to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn’t elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison. 2) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 3) (Police): "Where were you between 5 and 6?" (Me): "Kindergarten." 4) You've never truly appreciated Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while sitting on the toilet. 5) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 5th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.

Birthdays: Sir Robert Peel, statesman 1788, Dwight L. Moody, evangelist 1837, Belle Starr, outlaw 1848, Adlai Stevenson, American Statesman 1900, Norton Simon, food industry executive, art collector 1907, Hank Aaron, baseball player 1934, Jennifer Jason Leigh, actress 1962, Jeremy Sumpter, actor 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just keeps trying and won't take no for an answer.

The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't."

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

That's it for today, my little brussel sprouts. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !