My Webcam

I never use my webcam. It was a gift for some work I did. Most days, if I don't have anything scheduled that requires me to leave home, I just work in my pajamas. I turned my webcam on today and was surprised to see what appeared to be a homeless man on my monitor.

It's relatively easy to see why Albert Einstein looked so bad in his older pictures. You get to a certain age and think, "Ah, screw it." So, here's this silver haired homeless dude, in what appears to be an old, ostensibly white t-shirt, a three day stubbly grey beard and badly fitting CVS reading glasses looking at me on my monitor.

Although I'm aware I don't have much to work with, I assure that i clean up better than that homeless looking dude I saw on the monitor. Incidentally, the webcam was gifted to me to facilitate a video interview with NASCAR. Fortunately, that particular day, I had some things to do so I was properly dressed.

The News As I See It: Beyoncé released a surprise album this weekend. Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album.

The new album, called “Lemonade” she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. In other words, it looks like Hillary has found her running mate!

Hillary said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.

This Date In History: 1521; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed in a fight with natives of the Philippines. 1805; The U.S. Marines captured Derna, on the shores of Tripoli.

1865; The worst steamship disaster in the history of the United States occurred when there was an explosion aboard the Sultana; more than 1,400 people were killed.

1956; Rocky Marciano retired as undefeated world heavyweight boxing champion. 1961; Sierra Leone gained independence from Great Britain. 1983; Pitcher Nolan Ryan surpassed Walter Johnson’s strikeout record—one that had held since 1927.

1987; Austrian president Kurt Waldheim was barred from entering the United States. He was accused of aiding in the execution of thousands of Jews in World War II. 1993; Eritrea declared itself independent.

Picture Of The Day: Apple's newest loser.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend said, "Look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that?" I told her I'd love to but I don't know her well enough.  2) I've discovered that women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. 3) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck while I was at the bank, so I had to pretend I was break dancing. 4) Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur. 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures doesn't help either.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 26th.: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.

Birthdays: Mary Wollstonecraft, author and feminist 1759, Samuel F. B. Morse, inventor of Morse Code 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States 1822, C. Day Lewis, author 1904, Coretta Scott King, civil-rights leader 1927, August Wilson, playwright 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some friends of an old gentleman decided to get him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker. She went to his house and knocked on the door.

Upon opening it she said "Hi, I am your birthday present." He responded, "What am I supposed to do with you?" She answered, "I am yours for super sex." the old gent replied, "Well I'm 90 years old, so I'll take the soup."

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper."

The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!" She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

A man visits his aging father in his new old folks home. His room seems awfully small and his bed is the narrowest he’s ever seen. Despite this, his father is delighted with his new home.

Later, the man meets the director of the home, He says, "Father is delighted to be here, what is your secret?" The director replies, "Well, each night we give him a sleeping tablet and a Viagra tablet."

The man asks, "What on earth is the Viagra tablet for? Surely he’s not up to any hanky panky at his age? The director answered, "Oh no, but it does stop him rolling out of bed at night."

That's it for today, my little piccolo players. Remember, the real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !