They Meant to Name It "Brella" But They Hesitated

I have an umbrella on my shopping list. I already have one, it's just that we are never together when I need it. I now find I must have one in the house and another in the car, much like the glasses scattered around my house and in the car.

Like Murphy's Law, when the need for an umbrella arises, it is always in a place that I am not. If it begins to rain and I'm in the house, the umbrella is in the car and vice-versa.

In the same manner, when I need my glasses to read, they are at the computer. When I need my distance glasses to drive or watch TV.....well, you get the gist.

My answer to these logistics are to put a pair of readers and distance glasses in every place I use them. The same goes for Chapstick, which is in the same places and always on my person.

We are now in the rainy season and I have already been affected twice for lack of a second umbrella, a problem that I will solve tomorrow, if I don't forget my shopping list.....

Inside every woman is a little girl who wants to "dress up" like Mommy does.....

The News As I See It: Former Republican hopeful John Kasich said today that "somebody" had called him to encourage him to run as a third-party candidate, but declined to say who. Oh my God, John, the calls are coming from inside the house!

Yesterday was the Kentucky Democratic Primary and, in an act of desperation, Bernie went by the name, "Colonel Sanders."

This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."

1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.

1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse.

2003; President Megawati Sukarnoputri of Indonesia declared martial law and sent 30,000 troops into Aceh. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the position of prime minister of India.

Picture Of The Day: Yes Martin, I, too, have a dream.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups. 2) According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Coincidentally, tomorrow we're having fried chicken for dinner. 3) My girlfriend's been having a problem with diarrhea. The doctor told her lemons will help. Maybe so, but as soon as she takes one out, it starts again. 4) When I was a child, I dreamt of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe. 5)  Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that squirrel beat him to death.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin. The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."

Birthdays: My son, Kevin 19XX, Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philospher 1872, Walter Gropius, architect 1883, Ezio Pinza, singer 1892, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005), a Pole named Karol Jozef Wojtyla, successor of John Paul I 1920, Reggie Jackson, baseball player 1946, Chow Yun-Fat, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years, but he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the "Egyptian Taylor Swift."

After he dumped Cleo, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.

A woman wanted a face lift and her surgeon told her about a new procedure, "We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob." The woman says, "That sounds good."

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes." The surgeon replies, I'm sorry, but those aren't bags. Those are your tits." The woman says, "Well, that explains the goatee."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars." This went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!" The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today, my little quackers. Remember, if you're under the weather today, don't feel alone because so is everyone else. See, that's how weather works. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !