Aging Is Like Trying To Keep A 1949 Ford Running

At what point in life does the body decide it's time to begin to thin your hair and change the color to grey? Seemingly, at the same time, it also decides to begin to grow hair out of every possible orifice on your face at a growth rate that's eerily alarming.

Whatever the reason, the body, for its own security, must feel that if the eyes open one day and see the person in the mirror with completely grey hair, it will signal the brain that surely someone is terribly wrong. So the body uses a slow but sure sneak attack.

It begins when you find that first grey hair, which to some degree, amuses you. Little by little, the body throws in another grey hair here, one there, thinning the hair on its merry way and the next thing you know, you hair is referred to as "salt and pepper."

Women, on the other hand, usually become somewhat hysterical at the sight of a grey hair, which accounts for the billions of dollars earned yearly by cosmetic companies.

Then, one day, you notice that your nose hair, which you normally groom weekly, now has a growth rate of about a half inch a day and oddly, hair now begins to grow out of your ears at the same rate. So, now you have parts of your head trying to grow through your thinning hair and the hair growth process has accelerated and moved to your nose and ears.

Thoughts of "Just For Men" begin to grow in your mind until one day, you go for the old "touch up". Now, for the first time in your life, you experience and live through the term "chemical burn" which abruptly ends the hair coloring plan. You suddenly begin to admire women who suffer through this process.

Finally, the body's "coup d'etat" is that one hair, expertly hidden by the body in a remote area that your eyes rarely see, which is roughly five inches long. Once found and cut, this "wild hair" now grows even more rampantly and the first real signs of life in "the home" begins to be a realization in your mind's eye. Trust me, I know. I've escaped three times.....

The News As I See It: If you want to go to the Super Bowl this year, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is obscene. Do people not know the game is on television this year?

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, "where's my watch?" Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years, but from time to time, he did get a bit snippy.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838; Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph.

1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States. 1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, N.Y. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars.

1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding.

Picture Of The Day: I may be getting older, but I'm still proud to be an American.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave. 2) Kudos to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as everyone is giving up on New Year resolutions. 3) Even when I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to like French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.  5) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 6th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Alexander Hamilton, statesman 1755, Ezra Cornell, financier 1807, Sir John Macdonald, statesman 1815, Alice Paul, activist 1885, Alan Paton, novelist 1903, Jean Chrétien, politician 1934, Mary J. Blige, singer, songwriter 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replied, Okay, "I’ll tell it slowly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Once more, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

That's it for today, my little New Year's resolution breakers. Remember, a chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !