The Flying Kamikaze Cockroach

You don't like spiders and snakes? I'm not afraid of snakes and walking into huge spider webs has only helped me create karate moves that have never been seen. But you've never lived until you've had a flying cockroach land on you, especially with witnesses.

The flying cockroach theorem dictates that, in a room of 100 people, the B-52 flying cockroach will always land on you, wherein, 1) panic will ensue and 2) you will swing and flay at the marauder, injuring not only yourself, but surrounding family members, spouses and friends, as well (not necessarily in that order).

Among the cockroaches that frequently invade houses, palmetto bugs are the largest. These reddish brown cockroaches can grow as long as 1.5 inches or more. Both males and females have wings. The size of the attacking insect varies according to the victim's description of the incident.

My cats aren't much help when the occasional cockroach appears. Possum was probably the best as he enjoyed toying with the pest until it gave up and died. Samantha is totally indifferent to them and Scooter is a big chicken and runs when he sees one.

The worst scenario is when you spot a cockroach and as you look for weapon to eradicate it, you look up and it's gone. Now you're forced to search the premises until you find and kill it. The only other option is to sit in your recliner, bedroom slipper at the ready and hope that it dies of boredom or old age.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton is forming a group called Onward Together, a political organization that is anti-Trump. Experts are calling it bold, ambitious and six months too late.

Blue Cross is partnering with Lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs $600 and the drivers are specially trained, It’s just like an ambulance.

American Airline says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. United Airlines is doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment.

Two People in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed.

This Date In History: 1536; Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588;The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England. It was defeated in August. 1643; The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation.

1921; Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants. 1928;The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935; British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962; Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday" to president John F. Kennedy. 1992; The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994; Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: Another great picture by my pal, Julia. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I amaze myself with smart things I do and say. Other times, I try to get out of my car with the seat belt still connected. 2)  My kid once asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote, had him sit next to the TV and change channels by hand. 3) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally heats coffee and cooks stuff. 4) Dyslexic postcard: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 3 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 19th: Everything you feel about yourself will be confirmed today as you're put through the mill and emerge victorious. Your love life may change this week as everything comes out in the open.

On another note, raisins are a lovely dried up fruit. However, the old man who runs the hairdressers down the road, is not.

Birthdays: Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795,Nancy Astor, politician 1879, Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1939,Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1841, Pete Townshend, musician; composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My father walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school. At least that's what he told me the first time I complained about walking a half mile to school.

Years later, my friend, who had recently undergone a colonoscopy, was telling Dad about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him, "Camera?Back in the day, my colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist."

A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

He asked the old man, "Do you think you could give me some tips?" The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old man replied, "Sure will."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. The young man exclaimed. "That's terrific! Got any more tips for me?" The old man said, "Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "You bet it will," The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player. The cowboy said,  "Wow, I'm learning something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. The old-timer said, "No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up."

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. They said, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. They said, "Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The couple replied, "It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

That's it for today, my little tootsie rolls. Remember, if you tip the world over on its side, anything and everything that's illegal, loose or useless will land in Los Angeles. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !