On The Road Again !

With the help of Brother Kirt, Sister Jean and some dear close friends, I bought this Cadillac CTS sedan. It has a six speed transmission and the ride is awesome. My thanks to my pal, Tom, who drove me around for the last two months to run errands.

It's a six speed manual transmission and although the first cars I ever owned were manual transmissions, each car has it's own personality and I'm slowly getting used to it. The pedals are a bit too close together and they conflict with my feet a bit. The V6 engine is more than enough horsepower and the car accelerates well.

Much like my cell phone when I first bought it, I have spent the last several days learning how the car's different gadgets work. It will take some time as the car is loaded and the amenities a bit complicated.

So, as in the case of the cell phone where the only thing I could do was make and receive calls, I can drive the car and am currently learning how to program the radio...... 

The News As I See It: If anyone calls Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. The Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery.

Simpson could be released by October 1st, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. Meanwhile the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones.

This Date In History: 1861; Confederate forces won victory at Bull Run in the first major battle of the Civil War.  1873; The first train robbery west of the Mississippi was pulled off by Jesse James and his gang.

1925; In the "Monkey Trial," John T. Scopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee state law by teaching evolution. 1949; The U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.

1970; The Aswan High Dam was opened in Egypt. 1998; Astronaut Alan Shepard died. 2002; WorldCom filed for bankruptcy, then the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: My new ride is great. I can't tell you how good it feels to be back on the road.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You're only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of your car.  2) When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my pocket and use it as a blanket. 3) Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear. They tell potential robbers that you have nothing to lose. 4) I think it's  cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 5) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. Now, I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 21st: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: Jean Picard, astronomer 1620, Ernest Hemingway, American novelist and short-story writer 1899, Isaac Stern, violinist 1920, John Gardner, writer 1933, Janet Reno, U.S. Attorney General  1938, Kenneth Starr, independent counsel 1946, Garry Trudeau, political cartoonist  1948, Robin Williams, comedian 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time, I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that… it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this day. Thus, the democrat party symbol was born!

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.

Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary." Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.

Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Aw, shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?"

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, the location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !