Commercials For the Hard Of Understanding

How many times have you been watching a television commercial for some piece of crap and they say, "A $200 value." Really? Valued by whom? Then, they cut the price of the item from $200 to $19.95. The next thing you hear is, "But wait! There's more!"

Well, they're right, there is more. They proceed to tell you that they will give an additional product for the same price. Then comes the hook, "Just pay separate shipping and handling." By the time you finish, you're paying through the nose.

Sometimes, they give you a guarantee. Guess what? It costs less than $200 to form a corporation and your guarantee dies the same day the corporation is abandoned. The old "Not sold in stores" line is used a lot. It's not sold in stores because the product is usually a piece of crap the store wouldn't sell anyway.

The trick to discovering the "hooks" in advertising is to listen to or read the information carefully. One of my favorites is the many clothing stores which always run ads touting "buy one suit and get one free." The hook is the offer is on "most suits".

Translation? Suits and clothing manufactured by Armani, Gucci, Givenchy, Pierre Cardin and other designers are not part of the sale. The reason? The designer suits cost between $500 to $1,500 dollars. Your sale suit designer will be Roy Rogers. You can get the same quality level of the "buy one, get one free" suits by going to Sears or JCPenney.

I don't trust attorneys who advertise. You rarely see advertising by any attorney worth his salt on TV. One of the TV hooks is "you don't pay unless we win your case." Big deal! Any attorney listed in the yellow pages goes by the same rule. It's not an isolated nor exclusive offer.

Attorneys say you can come in for a free consultation. This is true, but it helps the attorney determine if he'll make money with your case. If not, they show you the door. The real hook? They get 33 and 1/3 percent if they settle out of court and 50 percent of the proceeds if they win. Such a deal.....!

Oh, and before I forget, any site that claims to speed up your computer (PCmatic, My Clean PC, Rotorooter your PC, Kiss my Lily White PC, et al) are out and out ruses and scams aimed at the hard of understanding.

The bottom line? As advertisement goes, don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see and chances are, you'll save yourself a lot of time and money.

I have to confess that parts of today's post have been re-gifted from a previous post in 2013.

On A Sad Note, Stock car champion racer Bruce "Pee Wee" Griffin passed away in his sleep this week. Pee Wee raced at many venues during his career including Nascar and many northern tracks. He began his career racing locally at Hialeah Speedway, Palmetto Speedway and West Palm Beach Speedway. He will be missed.

The News As I See It: The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.

President Trump is being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire "a drug-infested den." New Hampshire is furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of "The Little Mermaid" because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours.

This Date In History: 1854; Henry David Thoreau's Walden, recounting his experiment in solitary life on the shores of Massachusetts' Walden Pond, was published. 1956; Jesse Owens became the first American to win four gold medals in one Olympics.

1945; The United States exploded a nuclear bomb over Nagasaki, Japan, killing an estimated 74,000 people. 1965; Singapore proclaimed its independence from Malaysia. 1974; Vice president Gerald Ford was sworn in as president following Nixon's resignation. 1995; Jerry Garcia, lead singer and guitarist of the Grateful Dead, died.

Picture Of The Day: Bruce "Pee Wee" Griffin feature winner at Palmetto Speedway circa 1960. Rest in Peace, my friend.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much. 2) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 3) I don't think the Swiss were ever overly concerned about war. They included a corkscrew in their army knife. 4) A man started choking in the line at Walmart today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register. 5) I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 9th: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. The partner of your dreams will realize you are worthy of attention, today. Stock up on alcohol and remember to change the sheets.

Birthdays: Izaak Walton, writer 1593, Amedeo Avogadro, physicist 1776, William Fowler, nuclear astrophysicist 1911, Bob Cousy, basketball player 1928, Whitney Houston, singer 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Hillary" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"

A couple of women moved into a small house on a quiet street. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a lovely social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde female motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. He walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" She replied, "Sure,do you need a lift?"

The man said, "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.”

The blonde replied, "I'd be happy to." The two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's SUV. They were carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde and said, "What are you doing here?" I gave you $100 to take these monkeys to the zoo!" The blonde said, "Yes, I know you did, but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

A man was on a plane waiting to take off when he noticed a beautiful woman coming down the aisle towards him. His heart raced when she took the vacant seat beside him. Nervously, he said hello and the woman told him she was going to Las Vegas to a nymphomaniac convention.

She said, "I'm a lecturer and I'm going to debunk a few misconceptions of sexual behavior. The man said, " Really? What kind of myths?" She said, "Everyone thinks that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, it's the Native Americans who have that distinction."

She continued, "People think that Frenchmen are the best lovers and it's really Jewish men who are the best. I also discovered that Southern Rednecks have the best stamina.".

Suddenly, the woman became uncomfortable. She said, " I'm sorry", I shouldn't be telling you all this. I don't even know your name." The man answered, "Geronimo,...Geronimo Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba !"

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, if you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side of the bed. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !