Do You Have A Church Key?

Few of today's youth know what a "church key" is and not too many know what a pen knife is. Almost everybody carried a pen knife back in the day. Too little for use as a weapon, it's a small knife that can be quite useful in many instances.

The pen knife was usually a three bladed, foldable knife, but subsequent knives sported such additional tools as screwdriver heads and the all important cork screw. The Swiss Army knife was a nifty invention, but the weight and bulk of it negated the simplicity of the pen knife.

Before the advent of the pop-top, sodas and beer were opened with an opener affectionately referred to as a "church key". The "church key" term came about because the bottle opener resembled a key. Subsequently, the advent of the tool for opening beer and soda cans was also given the "church key" moniker.

The tool is named for several reasons. The original openers used on bottles (before beer cans existed) looked similar to a large old fashion keys used by monks to open the church, as well as keep the precious beer they brewed safe.

The name was then adopted to all tools used to open beer–with an ironic twist–for it is said if you used a church key opener (i.e. if you drank beer) you would be less likely to open the door of a church to attend service. At least that's what Dad always said......

This is NASCAR Championship weekend and will be hosted by Homestead Miami Speedway. The final four drivers vying for the championship are Kyle Bush, Kevin Harvick, Martin Truex and Brad Keselowski.

For those of you who have never watched a NASCAR Race, it's very exciting. The Truck Series Championship is tonight, The Xfinty Championship will run Saturday with the Monster Energy Championship on Sunday. Check you local listings for times. 

The News As I See It: Astronomers announced that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because they barely have those things in Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross 128. It's part of a larger solar system that includes Chandler, Joey and Monica 128.

The FDA has approved the first pill with a digital sensor that signals doctors when patients have taken their medicine. Doctors say they invented the pill to make sure that their patients are taking their medication. I still think it would be more effective if they went with my plan of making all pills taste like Cool Ranch Doritos.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time.  1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.

1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook." 1989; The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia.

Picture Of The Day: The Swiss Army Knife

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Science Tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while. 2) I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on a piece of paper bag. I walked around Publix like some kind of a carrier pigeon. 3) If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 17th: The odds are that you'll see something that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice. Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza and if you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny DeVito, actor, director, producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" The husband answers calmly,"Don't worry dear, they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

His wife asks, feebly, "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," Her husband replies, "No time at all, Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.

When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A loving grandfatheralways made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time, just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" The little girl said, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see one single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"

On his 70th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected."

He continued, "You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

That's it for today, my little magpies. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !