Crappola: "Only $19.95" And Other Rip-offs

If it's "only $19.95" and "not sold in stores", don't buy it. If your attorney advertises on TV at 3 o'clock in the morning, get a new attorney. If your prescription drugs are advertising and the side effects include: death, blindness, tuberculosis, liver damage, anal leakage, loss of sense of humor, et cetera, ad nauseum, don't buy it.

Lets begin with the "Only $19.95" game, Why don't they just charge $20? Because the price looks cheaper, but let's face it, it's $20, plus shipping and handling. Ten year guarantee! Really? A corporation cost less than $500 to create and it's usually "offshore" Yeah, that'll be a successful lawsuit.

If the spokesperson speaks so shrill and loudly, you check to see of your cat got it's tail stuck in the door, just change the TV channel. "Act now and we'll double the offer, Just pay shipping and handling". Guess what that will cost? Another $20! There is no such thing as a free lunch!

Attorneys who advertise on TV in the AM are usually the bottom of the barrel. Owning a real estate company, I have dealt with attorneys all of my career. I never met (or used) those who do their own advertising on TV. The major issue always seem to be how much money they earned for a client, Good attorneys are more prone to look out after your interests.

Drug companies drive me crazy with their new drugs. Whoever creates the names of these products should be sent back to school to learn English.

Since most people over 50 usually have one malady or the other, I sometimes listen to the information. The final straw is when they list possible side effects and one quickly decides that the thirty-odd side effects do not justify using the drug.

The News As I See It: Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.

In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up in to three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan.

Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting."

Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. Apparently, they've run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty and well into their second trimester.

Sonic says if this goes well, they're all set to unveil their next exciting flavor, Cabbage Drippings. Sonic claims the new flavor has "a distinctly summer vibe to create new summer memories." Memories like, "Hey! You remember that time I threw up at Sonic?"

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created.  1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights.

1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.

Picture Of The Day: Child with body guards.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again. 2) My parents moved a lot when I was younger. We kids always managed to track them down though. 3) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you desire authentic French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) It takes over five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and fifty dollars for those in the know.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 22nd: With every passing moment you are pissing away your life reading nonsense on the Internet. For this reason, any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author  1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author  1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senile senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, ultra liberal actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that she would be called "woman."

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

God continued, "She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a strange bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this Sex book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, pepperoni, cheese, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !