Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). These men will then and only then begin to understand the Herman Cain syndrome and it's effects on their lives.Younger men traditionally make these errors but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.Smarter, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.So that's the basic shopping plans for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my family, friends and readers!
The News As I See It: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called Obama a clown and an embarrassment. Hey Chavez, you forgot about OBiden and Pelosi.According to the census bureau, the number of women getting pregnant is at its lowest rate in 70 years. So, apparently that NBA strike had a bigger effect on America than we thought.Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy -- the Chinese economy -- but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.An angel without wings is unnatural. It's like having a Kardashian without back hair.Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words "beautiful, smart, and funny." When asked how he picked those, he used the words, "she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me."Every year, as usual, al-Qaida threatens to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.Newt Gingrich signed a no adultery pledge. Out of habit, he signed it John Smith.
This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia. 1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley. 1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed.1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.Picture Of The Day: The Christmas pictures always warm me and I hope you enjoy them as well. I did get a kick out of the picture below.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to buy a Christmas tree the other day. Things have changed a bit since I last bought one. The guy asked if I wanted the three-year warranty. 2) Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. 3) One of my lady friends wanted me to go Christmas shopping with her yesterday. I really hate crowds of crazy shoppers so I just dropped her off at the mall with a GPS.4) The National Football League is asking it's players to donate their brains to medicine, ostensibly to study the effects of head collisions. The only thing that could possibly be funnier than that is if the National Basketball Association asks its players to donate their brains to study their lack of ability to conjugate verbs, specifically, "I am", and to pronounce the word "ask." 5) Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.....and that's five !Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 23rd: It should be a great day for everyone. Spirits are high and chances are, most of you will attain that same level before the night is over. Chances of romance are good with the exception of those who turn 65 today, but don't worry Kirt, I won't say anything. Birthdays: Brother Kirt joins the society of ancient ones - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him. She said, "No!", and the man drank beer and caroused with women and stayed out late and used the guest towels and farted at will and didn't put the toilet seat down and lived happily ever after.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a man was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a shopping mall. He pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking spot and runs into the mall.After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the sales clerk. When asked what he'd like, he simply says, "a Barbie Doll". The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?" The clerk replies, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture...."The latest Christmas toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no ones got the balls to pull the cord.A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance: 1) a woman 2) a donkey 3) a shovel 4) a fish 5) a Star of David.They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."He continued, "The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol sppears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."The audience applauded enthusiasticlly and the president smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left. "Now, look again: It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"That's it for today my little sleigh belles and beaus. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday. Remember, never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. It's Friday and party time in AREA 51. More on Monday.Stay Tuned !
We're in the final week of shopping before Christmas and thanks to television ads, everyone should have a good idea of what to buy for those last minute gifts. I mean, who wouldn't like a nice Chia pet? I'm sure every woman can't wait for hoodie footie.Be sure to grab those great $19.99 gifts 'cause, wait, there's more! You get an extra one free! Just pay separate shipping and handling ($19.99). Such a deal!Holiday shopping will be at it's peak this week and I bet you can't wait to park two blocks away to get into the stores and mix it up with all those polite last minute shoppers.As an added attraction, roaming bands of thugs will also be making their last minute Christmas robberies an thefts. Imagine the holiday fun of playing avoid the thug. You can also look forward to seeing a shopping cart scratch or dent on your car, assuming you make it safely from the stores. I'll bet you'll be glad you bought a gun as a last minute thought. Ah yes, waiting to shop until the last few days. Ain't it a blast?
Jimmy's Journal has now been read over 100,000 times thanks to my pals and readers. It marks a very special plateau for me and it makes writing my journal a continuing pleasure. My deepest thanks to all of my friends, readers and followers! The News As I See It: Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. After the 2112 elections, that's what the new president will be saying.Macy’s is open 24 hours a day now. That's got armed robbery written all over it. Nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit like that nightshift Santa.Mitt Romney's hair style is becoming so popular that men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain. Lord knows what you get if you ask for a Pelosi.American voters are turning to Ron Paul because doctors has determined that Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal.Ryan Gosling was named "coolest person of the year" by Time magazine. Right, because when the kids want to know what's cool, they put down their smart phones and pick up Time magazine.
This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls." 1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol."1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings. 1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997.1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives. 2003; Muammar al-Qaddafi of Libya announced that his country would discontinue development of weapons of mass destruction.Picture Of The Day: My pal Nancy, a great photographer in her own right, once described my choice of pictures as eclectic. I would have responded if I knew what it meant.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A girl I know said she didn't know how to fight and I believed her, until she walked into that spiderweb and turned into a karate master. 2) Does anybody remember "Basketball Jones"? 3) I can't see any advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. 4) Golf balls are just as painful as athlete's foot. 5) Don't drink and drive during the holidays! Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before. Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before....and that's five ! Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 19th: Don't let anything get in your way today. It's going to be a great day with a 75 percent chance of romance. So go for it sunshine, you never know until you take a chance. On a side note, put off the thought you had yesterday and take a few days to reflect on it. Buy peanut butter and don't roller skate in a buffalo herd. Birthdays: Ford Frick, sportswriter and radio announcer 1894, Sir Ralph Richardson, actor 1902, Leonid Brezhnev, political leader 1906, Jean Genet, playwright 1910 Edith Piaf, cabaret singer 1915, Doug Harvey, hockey player 1924, Cicely Tyson, actress 1933, Alberto Tomba, alpine skier 1966, Alyssa Milano, actor 1972, Jake Gyllenhaal, actor 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There were twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to take the pictures of them. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He said we have to sit on the sofa."The photographer said, "Now get a little closer together." Again, the hard of hearing twin asked, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "We have to sit closer together." They wiggled up close to each other. The photographer said, "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little." Yet again, the hard of hearing twin said, "What did he say?" Her sister replied, "He says he's going to focus." The hard of hearing twin exclaimed, "Oh my God, both of us?"The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. Biff was going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. Tyrone was going into the 10th grade for the 3rd time. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."Biff went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan, Men on camels, two by two, Destination---Timbuktu." The audience went wild!The clock started again and Tyrone sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-clubbin' went, Met three girls in a tenement, They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Garnett and Linda in Washington state for their contributions to today's stories.Two med students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong."The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought, but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but I was wrong, too..."A New York attorney stopped by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" The waitress said, "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."The waitress continued, "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, the attorney says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?" That's it for today my little snow plows. Remember, the needy are only thought of during the holidays. Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? More on Wednesday.Stay Tuned !
It's last minute Christmas shopping week which means that most women are putting their finishing touches on a well planned shopping season and most men will be wandering around the malls without even the slightest clue as to what they will purchase for their spouses or girlfriends or both.For weeks now, most men have probed and questioned any and all family members in a vain attempt to get a suggestion as to what gift to purchase for their spouses. In some cases, women, who have experienced and witnessed the hapless husband's quandary, have just given up any hope of a spontaneous thought by their husbands and told them exactly what to purchase, complete with brand name, color, size and store location.Although most men's hearts are in the right place, shopping for presents, especially for their spouses, is nearly an impossible task. Many have tried but after experiencing "the look" a few times, most men just give up and look for any hints or help they can find. Truth be told, most men would just rather give cash and go have a beer in AREA 51. 
For your dining and dancing pleasure, Jimmy's Journal has scheduled a lunar eclipse for early tomorrow morning. Okay, I didn't arrange it but as many as 1.5 billion people worldwide will be able to watch when the Earth's shadow creeps across the moon's surface early Tuesday morning, the first time in hundreds of years that a lunar eclipse will fall on the winter solstice.With the full moon high in the winter sky, the lunar eclipse will be visible from four continents, with the best views from North America and Central America if weather permits. The eclipse begins on Tuesday at 1:33 a.m. ET, when the Earth's dark-red shadow will turn up on the edge of the moon, according to NASA. It will take about an hour for the shadow to cover the entire moon. Totality begins at 2:41 a.m. and lasts for 72 minutes.If you only have time for a quick look, NASA recommends that you take a peek 3:17 a.m. ET. That's when the moon will be fully covered in an amber light. Actually, on my weekly jaunts to AREA 51, that's about the time when I'm usually covered in amber light, as well.The News As I See It: Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.President Obozo showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.It was so cold in Minneapolis last week that Quarterback Brett Favre was texting pictures of his chestnuts roasting over an open fire. 
This Date In History: 1790; Samuel Slater built the nation's first cotton mill in Pawtucket, R.I. 1803; The United States purchased the Louisiana territory from France for $15 million. 1860; South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union.1968; Author John Steinbeck died at age 66. 1989; The United States invaded Panama and installed a new government but failed to capture General Manuel Antonio Noriega. 1996; Astronomer Carl Sagan died at age 62.Picture Of The Day: A difficult day for finding suitable pictures so I hope you enjoy today's selections. I think the photoshop gang is out looking for Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends..... Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture. 2) A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. 3) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. 4) A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 5) A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. ......and that's five !Bonus Sixth: You tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil!Birthdays: My pal, Missy. Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Thomas Graham, chemist 1805, Harvey Samuel Firestone, industrialist 1868, Branch Rickey, American baseball executive 1881, Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman, athlete 1886, Susanne K. Langer, philosopher 1895, Sidney Hook, philosopher 1902, Jenny Agutter, actor 1952. 
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said to the priest, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main Street, he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. The reverend said. "Mrs. Fitzgerald, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" Mrs. Fitzgerald, obviously very drunk, said with a slur, "Sure!"When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded and said, "Well then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish up." 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" That's it for today my little chestnuts. Remember, a hug is a great gift. One size fits all, and it's easy to exchange. More on Wednesday.Stay Tuned !
For some inane reason, I went to the mall yesterday, ostensibly to buy a pair of jeans. I don't like to shop, especially during the Christmas holidays, but somehow, I managed to forget that it's "the season." My first clue that it was a bad idea was when I got into my car and the dash thermometer read 42 degrees.Further indications that should have set off mental alarms was the incredibly crowded parking lot, people overloaded with Christmas gifts and the groups of droopy-drawered thugs on the prowl. Still incredibly unaware, the intelligence light in my dimly lit cranium finally turned on and I realized I was at the mall at Christmas time.Understand that I completed my Christmas shopping in early November for the simple reason that I like to avoid the malls during the holidays. Yet, there I was, old-timers disease fully engaged, walking among people, who at best, are completely out of their minds.I made a feeble attempt to find the jeans that I wanted, but it's Christmas time and the only jeans that I could find would only fit elves or sumo wrestlers. Although I knew I could probably find some jeans in other stores, I decided that I'd get my jeans in January.It's been a while since I've been to the mall during the holidays but the crowds and chaos only reinforced my thoughts about holiday shopping. I mean, it was so busy, I had to ride stand-by on the escalator. The people were all so rude. I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped, I was fondled.....and I’m going back tomorrow. 
The News As I See It: President Obozo is into re-gifting. In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush. 'Da prez couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do.Since it's the holiday travel season and everyone is on edge, when the TSA agents have their hands in your pants, don't be surprised if they leave a candy cane.A new food bill has been signed into law. It’s part of our war against donuts. After signing the law, President Obozo said our government shows it is serious about setting a good example for children’s health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette.7-Eleven is about to start selling their own brand of wine. That's not new. They had 7-eleven wine when I was in high school. We called it Robitussin. WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated.Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas.This Date In History: 1791; The Bill of Rights took effect with Virginia's ratification of it. 1890; Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police. 1916; The French defeated the Germans in the Battle of Verdun. 1939 The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.1944; Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel. 1961; Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps. 1964; Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.1966; Animated-cartoon pioneer and movie producer Walt Disney died in Los Angeles. 199; A demonstration that turned into a popular uprising in Romania began the downfall of Nicolae Ceausescu. 
Picture Of The Day: One good thing about the Christmas holidays, there's no shortage of wanna-be Santas. A few of them may be of questionable character.Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started? 2) Suppose you were an asshole and suppose you were a member of Congress. Hmmm.....redundant! 3) Next month is the National Schizophrenics Convention. Anybody who's everybody will be there! 4) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. 5) A chicken coop always has two doors If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.......and that's five !Birthdays: George Romney, portrait painter 1734, Franklin Benjamin Sanborn, journalist and philanthropist 1831, Gustave Eiffel French engineer 1832, J. Paul Getty, business executive 1892, Muriel Rukeyser, poet 1913, Edna O'Brien, writer 1932, Don Johnson, actor 1949, Adam Brody, actor 1979.The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." The rejected applicant asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct." The manager said, "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed"The rejected applicant asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager said, "Simple. Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" 
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."The Hits Just Keep On Coming:An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The man answered, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.The guy pleads, "Go get help." She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss, he's too far in." 
A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" The sinner replies, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighs and says, "Very well, go and say ten Hail Mary's."At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits, her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"That's it for today my little fruit cakes. Remember, the next time you feel like complaining, keep in mind that your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.Stay Tuned !
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). These men will then and only then begin to understand the Herman Cain syndrome and it's effects on their lives.
