Gator !

Having fished the Florida Everglades all my life, I've had many an experience with gators, mostly minor. Once, wading waist deep fishing for bass, I cast to a log which was, in fact, a sleeping gator. Since I had bass on the stringer tied to my belt loop, I headed to shore and promptly stepped into a hole.

Being only sixteen-years-old, it scared me when I went under the water but once I got to shore, I looked back only to see the gator high tailing it in the other direction. As it turned out, we both scared each other.

I've seen my fair share and I'm always amused when I take someone fishing for the first time and we see a gator. Many times I've seen one sunning on the shore and was once asked by a friend if the gator was dead.

Smiling, I slowed the boat, turned around and slowly idled towards the sleeping gator. Once I got within 15 feet, it bolted and ran for the safety of the water. Scared the crap out of my friend, though.

This is the almost 5 foot gator that my friend thought was dead. Notice that his head is raised and eyes open meaning he is aware of us. Once we got too close, he dove into the water.

During a typical bass fishing day, I'm usually pretty hot around midday and many times I've jumped into the water for a brief swim and cool off. I even swam with my kids in the water after a little encouragement.

That night, I took my flashlight and shined it on the water, pointing out to my kids the pairs of red gator eyes in the distance. It was then that they realized we had been swimming with gators that day.

Gators are nocturnal feeders and usually start hunting around dusk. During the day, they mostly rest or sun themselves and are rather lethargic. Most gators in the wild are really rather shy unless you stumble upon a female guarding her nest or a bull gator looking for a mate.

The exception to this would be people who feed gators that take up residence in local ponds or lakes. Once emboldened and knowing where to find food, they will take down anything small including ducks and even small dogs.

This is Shark Valley observation area where visitors can observe the flora and fauna of Everglades National Park. There are hundreds of gators along the road and I've seen people get way too close to the gators. Gators should be given much more space.

The News As I See It: Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody. Graham said he's getting a new phone, which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, "New phone, who dis?"

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.

This is the reason that alligators should be given space. Depending on size, a gator can run from between 15 to 25 miles per hour for short distances.

This Date In History: 1847; Brigham Young and the first members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) arrived at the Great Salt Lake. 1862; Martin Van Buren, the eighth president of the United States, died in Kinderhook, New York.

1866; Tennessee became the first Confederate state to be readmitted to the Union. 1937; Charges against five black men accused of raping two white women in the Scottsboro case were dropped.

1974; The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over White House tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor. 2002; Nine coal miners were trapped in a mine in Pennsylvania. All were rescued three days later.

Picture Of The Day: This is the reason why gators are not easy to spot in the wild. You may be able to see why I thought I was casting to a log. Note the baby gators sticking near mom for protection. Baby gators' sex is determined by the temperature of the eggs in the nest.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've never been skydiving, but once I zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast. 2) A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. 3) I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke. 4) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind, it may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked.  5) I'm about ten pounds overweight and I know it's my own fault, but you'd be amazed how much "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 24th: Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. The chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch are so remote so you might as well go home and eat ice cream until you get brain freeze. Remember, you can't become a pilot without a good altitude.

Birthdays: Simon Bolivar, liberator 1783, Alexandre Dumas, novelist 1802, Amelia Earhart, American aviator 1897, Bella Abzug, Congresswoman 1920, Jennifer Lopez, actress, singer 1969.

A gator suns itself in the midday sun along the L-67 river extension in the Everglades. My boat drifted into his area as I was casting for bass. I didn't notice him until he raised his head and I snapped a quick picture.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet.

Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

A blond went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blond said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blond leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a coke."

An aerial view of Shark Valley Observation area.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An older couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little tiddlywinks. Remember, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Life's A Beach !

Sometimes you have to take a step back, grab a beer, take a good look at the world and say "Screw it!". Responsibility dictates the this attitude can only be adhered to in short spurts but an occasional soul cleansing is good for one's health. The only thing missing from the above picture is my Mom and Dad and their dog "Didi".

My way of escaping life's rush hour is to go fishing or head out to the woods and observe the earth's flora and fauna. It's always free of honking horns and the ever present dissertations, opinions and general ignorance of the public.

I've never caught a large mouth bass that I could prove was a democrat although the name itself is rather suggestive. In nature, neither the hawks nor doves that I have observed have shown any political affiliations.

Silence in nature is deafening and one has to re-tune one's ears to appreciate the chatter. Nature has it's own language and once mastered offer insights and a peaceful feeling that shutters out life's realities.

In Miami, we're fortunate to have both the Atlantic Ocean and, at the same time, the Florida Everglades. Both worlds are equally enjoyable to me and, more importantly, a time-to-time avenue of escape. Yep, sometimes life's a beach.......

What have we learned in 2,066 years? "The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero - 55 BC. Evidently nothing.

The News As I See It: The Supreme Court has ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, "The View" is now a radio show. On the upside, "Wheel of Fortune" should become a lot more interesting.

It was reported that the U.S. Navy recovered 19 tons of marijuana that had been dumped into the ocean. Two hours later, the Navy invaded Taco Bell.

It was pretty hot in the New York area this week (how hot was it?). It was so hot that Solyndra, the solar company actually made money. It was so hot, that Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs.

Wednesday, June 20th, was the first day of summer, which means if your Christmas decorations are still up, you might as well keep them there.

In Chicago, some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Hey, who says Obama isn't creating any new jobs?

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1943; W.E.B. DuBois became the first black member of the National Institute of Letters

1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights. 1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calififornia.

Picture Of The Day: Today's theme? Water....the refreshing source of nourishment and peace. It goes for all of us...even for Paula's turtles.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) America's space probe, Voyager 1, launched back in 1977, is 11 billion miles in space. It's on the verge of leaving our solar system on its mission to find other civilizations to try to borrow money from. 2) Without nipples, boobs would be pointless. 3) Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when you wish that's where they were. 4) Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. 5) The mistake a lot of politicians make is in forgetting they've been appointed and thinking they've been anointed.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 22nd: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reign.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson composer 1936, Meryl Streep, actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his older patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm. He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "Well Doc, I took your advice and look at me." Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was. The old man said, "You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," The doctor replied, "No, I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, and says, "Did you call for me?" The man says, "No, what do you mean?" The hairy man replies, "You must be new. It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, who asks, "May I help you?" The man says, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

The woman says, "But you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 60 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" The older doctor replied, "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." The younger doctor said, "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, it is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !