Remembering Mom On Mother's Day

Mom always allowed we kids a bit of leeway in life. Patience was her virtue. Sister Jeanne was never a problem, but, if I were Mom, I'd have dropped Brother Kirt and I off at an orphanage. Mom persisted, we survived and life continued on.

Sunday is Mother's Day and I find myself reminiscing about picayune squabbling amongst we kids but Mom always turned a deaf ear to these little quarrels...unless it got out of hand.

Mom always had a pine switch nearby and would occasionally use it to show when she meant business. If that didn't work, all she had to say was the dreaded, "Wait until your father gets home." Once Mom told Dad of our bad behavior, the belt came off and we got a whipping.

The best way to stay on the good side of Mom and Dad was to use the obligatory, "Yes sir, no ma'am, please and thank you."  Other than that, life was good.

There were no public displays of anger, fighting or screaming because Mom would quickly cuff us good right there in front of God and everybody.

Entering any establishment, I was instructed to hold onto Mom's dress and hold my brother's hand. He, in turn, would hold my sister's hand. The other instruction was not to touch anything.

Mom and Dad have passed on, yet they live in my heart. I wouldn't have traded my life for anything. Happy Mother's Day to all the lovely caring Mothers everywhere.

The News As I See It: North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut.

Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as "part fiction, part alibi."

According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, Bernie is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft.

This day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means.

This Date In History: 1870; Manitoba became a province of Canada. 1932; The body of Charles and Anne Lindbergh's kidnapped baby was found. 1937; Britain’s King George VI was crowned at Westminster Abbey in London.

1943; Axis forces in North Africa surrendered. 1849; The Soviet blockade that prompted the Berlin airlift was ended. 1970; Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, swatted his 500th home run. 2002; Former president Jimmy Carter became the first U.S. president (in or out of office) to visit Fidel Castro's Cuba.

2008;Tens of thousands killed and thousands injured when a 7.9 magnitude earthquake strikes Sichuan, Gansu, and Yunnan Provinces in western China. 2012;The 2012 World Expo began in Yeosu, South Korea.

Picture Of The Day: It turns out Congresswoman Maxine Waters is not crazy or insane. She's just from another galaxy.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As the horse fell to the barn floor, he quickly pressed his Life Alert, "Help...I've fallen and I can't giddyup !" 2) To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone. 3) I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

4) Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary? Now you're going 80 mph, putting salsa on your taco, while driving with your knees. 5) I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say, "I don't know, do you think I look fat?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 12th: You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear. The tension between you and a co-worker may ease today as you suddenly realize you both have a common dislike of your ex-mothers-in-law. Participants at your naked twister parties should at least be made to take off their shoes.

Birthdays: Florence Nightingale, English nurse 1810, Henry Cabot Lodge, U.S. Senator 1850, Katharine Hepburn, actress 1907, Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin, chemist, Nobel laureate 1910,Yogi Berra, baseball player 1925, Burt Bacharach, composer 1929,George Carlin, comedian 1937, Emilio Estevez, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The surgeon said, "You'll be fine," after finishing the blond woman's surgery. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"

The surgeon paused and his face reddened. The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Two guys are sitting in a boat on a lake, fishing and drinking beer, when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. She admonished, "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A wise ass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'll have to write the exam with your other hand."

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." To that, the golf pro states, "Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!"

That's it for today, my little tacos. Remember, the human brain starts working the moment you're born and never stops until your wife asks where you were last night. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Mother's Day Ladies !

Sunday is Mother's Day and although my mother passed away years ago, I remember her dearly. We moved quite a bit when I was young and I remember it was Mom who always gave me the forwarding address.

Mom gave me the foresight to wear clean underwear in case I was in an accident. She taught me the meaning of anticipation when she said, "Just wait until your father gets home." Mother taught me religion saying, "You'd better pray that stain comes out of the carpet!"

I learned from Mom that I should eat my asparagus because there were people starving in China. Dad even smiled when I offered to send my portion of liver to the people dying of starvation in India.

Yes, the years have passed, but I fondly remember "The Switch Dance" a soft shoe dance number we created as Mom held the switch in her right hand and my arm in her left hand as we ran in circles after I had misbehaved.

On a serious note, there is nothing like a mother's love and if there was ever an award for patience, mothers would overwhelmingly win the award, hands down. There's an old Irish proverb that says "A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest." Happy Mother's Day Mom!

The News As I See It: Membership and recruiting of al-Qaida is drying up. Far be it for me to tell terrorists about strategy, but I think membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber exploding underwear. Let's just say you put on the exploding underwear and you detonate. When they bring in the 72 virgins, then what?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said yesterday that he’s not sure if he’s going to run for re-election next year. He’s said, "I’ll collapse that bridge when I get to it." Christie's approval rating has gone up 12 points in the last year. That's impressive. Usually, the only time he picks up a dozen is when he goes to Krispy Kreme.

Obama became the first U.S. president to endorse same-sex marriage. Obama said he thinks same-sex marriage should be legal. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser at George Clooney's house. What are the odds? Then he awarded Burt Bacharach the Gershwin Prize. If that doesn't increase Obama's gay street cred, nothing will.

I'm sure both presidential candidates will fall over themselves telling you how much they support public education. Yet neither of them has ever sent any of their kids to a single day of public school. But I'm sure that's the only area in which they're a wee bit hypocritical.

Researchers at Harvard say red wine can slow the aging process. They say if you drink red wine, it can help you look younger. You can look even younger if you get the other person to drink it.

The Colombian prostitute caught in the middle of this whole Secret Service scandal is now speaking out publicly. She says she feels used, abused, undervalued, and underappreciated. Here's an idea: stop being a prostitute!

This Date In History: 1858; Minnesota became the 32nd state in the United States. 1894; The Pullman Strike began. 1949; Siam changed its name to Thailand.

1960; Israeli agents captured Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina. 1973; Charges against Daniel Ellsberg for his role in the Pentagon Papers case were dismissed.

1981; Reggae performer Bob Marley died of cancer in Miami at the age of 36. 1997; IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion, in a six game chess match.

1998; India set off atomic blasts. 2003; Lithuanian voters opted to join the European Union—the first former Soviet nation to do so.

Picture Of The Day: A mother's love....the picture says it all.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. 2) Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. 3) If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. 4) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 5) Most people think that elderly ladies don't curse but if you ever want to hear a sweet little old lady say the F word, just get another sweet little old lady to yell "Bingo!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 11th: The weekend is here and it's your birthday. How bad can that be? Take the proverbial bull by the horns and make this day a good one. Don't forget that Sunday is Mother's day, so make Mom's day a good one as well. Chance of romance is 57.76 percent and remember no matter where you go, there you are. 

Birthdays: My pals Barbara and Chad - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Irving Berlin songwriter 1888, Dame Margaret Rutherford actress 1892, Martha Graham, modern dancer, choreographer 1894, Salvador Dali Spanish surrealist painter 1904, Camilo José Cela novelist and poet 1916, Richard Feynman physicist 1918, Natasha Richardson actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food. The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned." Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it." The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?” The small alligator says, "Lawyers, same as you."

The big alligator says, "Hmmmm, Where do you catch’em?" The little alligator says, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big alligator says,  "Same here. How do you catch’em?" The little alligator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ’em, shake the crap out of ‘em and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shaking the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase."

Edward, a big-game hunter, goes on safari in Kenya with his wife, Frances and his mother-in-law, Agnes. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Frances awakes to find her mother, Agnes, has disappeared. Rushing to Edward, she insists on them both trying to find her mother.

Sighing heavily, Edward picks up his rifle and starts to search for Agnes. Soon, in a clearing not far from the camp, they come upon a frightening sight.

Agnes, the mother-in-law is backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush and a large male lion is standing facing her. Frances cries out in panic, "Edward, what are we going to do?" Edward said calmly, "Absolutely nothing, my dearest. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

That's it for today, my little hush puppies. Remember, to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. It's time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Happy Mothers Day to all the ladies! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Mother's Day Ladies !

Breaking News.....Breaking News.....Broken News!

"House passes gas tax onto senate" ~ "Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?" ~ "Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say" ~ "Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation!"

Headlines....Have you noticed that the news, especially cable news, is either constantly trying to keep us in fear or inanely repeating the same story for three days? Does endless teases during the day like "Does eating Tacos increase your sexual appetite? Tune in at 6:00 p.m.", sound familiar?

In a world that has enough real problems to go around, I really don't like to hear the annoying cries of, "Breaking News" or "This Just In" one hundred times a day. One of yesterday's "Breaking News" stories was that Barack Obama and his idiot sidekick, Joe Biden, were eating hamburgers at a local D.C. eatery. The report said they paid for the burgers, in cash, out of their own pockets. That's your breaking news?

Network and cable news companies, like any other business, rely on income. That income is derived from the sale of advertising spots during the broadcasts. The more popular the station rank, the higher the station can charge for each advertising minute. Bottom line, the agenda of these stations become compromised and you get fed the news in the way that's most convenient and economically viable for the station.

Unfortunately for the news stations, there are slow news days and with that you get the same story rehashed and in "breaking news" fashion for up to three days in a row.

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers" ~ "Grandmother of eight makes hole in one" ~ "Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing" ~ "Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over"

Swine flu, bird flu, One flu over the cuckoo's nest, mad cow disease, legionnaire's diseases, Paula Abdul, hurricanes, tornadoes, turbulence, flatulence, wild fires, illegal immigrants, scam artists, Al Sharpton (oops!...redundant), government bailouts, scandals, vandals, sandals........ No wonder there's so much news just sitting there ready to be exploited and turned into profit. One of the most supposedly pressing issues is that if Miss California will lose her title because she posed semi-nude. I assume the rules state that one is not allowed to pose semi-nude until, of course, the swim suit competition.

Yes, my little pop tarts, it's the daily news, reported by your local, national or cable news network, in a fashion and manner most convenient for them. Occasionally, truth and honesty are part of the fray, but that's usually spun and distorted to fit the politics of each particular station.

"If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while!" ~ "Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years" ~ "Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better!" ~ "Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency"

Here's a headline, it's Friday and the breaking news is that I'm heading to AREA 51 to cover and report any news of the day. If things work out well and my spiritual guide and social director, Johnny Walker Black, is any help, I'll have reports for you on Monday, hopefully filed under "This Just In!"

For those of you in the know, thank you very much for your kind email messages yesterday. A little birdie told me that another little birdie was the source behind the rumor. I don't want to mention names, but her initials are Linda in Washington. Thanks Linda and thank you all very much.

This Date In History: 1429; During the Hundred Years' War, the siege of Orléans is broken. 1660; A new Parliament proclaims Charles king and requests him to return to England. 1794; Antoine Lavoisier, a French scientist who is considered the founder of modern chemistry, is guillotined by the revolutionary authorities in Paris, France.

1886; Atlanta, Georgia, pharmacist John Pemberton invents a beverage he names Coca-Cola. 1945; V-E Day (Victory in Europe Day) officially goes into effect on the day after Germany surrendered unconditionally to Allied forces. 1956; Look Back in Anger, a landmark in post-World War II British drama that made its author famous as the first of the “angry young men”, premieres in London.

Picture Of The Day: "Breaking News" and "This Just In" are neck and neck as they race toward winning the title of "The Most Annoying Words In Television." Fortunately, the amazing minds and abilities of the Photoshop world are able to bring some comic relief to the daily, inane news reports. Media attempts to hold our minds and worst fears at ransom are temporarily suspended today as Jimmy's Journal gives you a slant that will hopefully amuse you.

Birthdays: Edward Gibbon, historian and author 1737, Jean-Henri Dunant, Swiss philanthropist and Red Cross founder 1828, Harry S. Truman, 34th Vice-President (1945) and 33rd President of the United States (1945-1953) 1884, Edmund Wilson, author and critic 1895, Roberto Rossellini, film director 1906, Thomas Pynchon, novelist 1937.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason that men chase women they have no intention of marrying is the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 2) If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal. 3) When I first met my future ex-mother-in-law, I could already visualize the duct tape over her mouth. 4) I have a lady friend who has an emotional problem. I don't know what the problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 5) I once asked my father why he had hair growing out of his ears. He told me that it's to drown out noise and I'd understand better once I got married.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the desk, sits down and says, "You know, I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The welfare worker behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year."

The man says, "You're bullshitting me!" The welfare worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

A couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. He took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

That's it for today my little kidney beans. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some karaoke! Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers including my pal Garnett. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !