This weekend is the Nascar championships at Homestead-Miami Speedway with all three titles on the line. The four finalists racing for the crown are Kyle Bush, Jeff Gordon, Kevin Harvick and Martin Truax, all of whom can win the race.
The Xfinity championship race will be run on Saturday afternoon and the Camping World Truch championship will be decided later tonight.
For Nascar fans, this is not news, but for those of you who have never been to or seen a race, this weekend will be exciting.
For example, two of the favorites who were contending for the championship did not reach the final four due to on track wrecks in previous races, ostentibly caused by each other.
In the Texas race, Joey Logano (#22) was chasing Matt Kennseth (#20). Kennseth was blocking (which is legal) when Logano decided that he had enough and knocked Kennseth out of the race.
The following week, Kennseth had a racing crash with Logano team member Brad Kezelowski, thus eliminating any chance Kennseth had to earn enough points to continue in the championship.
After repairs to Matt Kenseth's car in the pits, Matt came back on the track and a few laps later, he put Joey Logano into the wall, paying him back for his actions at Texas and virtually eleminating Logano from the championship. Karma !
The News As I See It: In his recent interview with GQ, Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something.
Hillary Clinton recently decided to make her MySpace page "private" so people can no longer see some of her old campaign ads. When somebody told her she can just delete it, Hillary said, "I’m not fallin' for that again!"
Bobby Jindal announced that he is dropping out of the race for president. I guess that after talking it over with family and friends, he realized that even they didn't know he was running for president.
Bernie Sanders will deliver a speech tomorrow, which pundits say will seek to clarify his identity as a Democratic socialist. He’ll explain that "Democratic" means he believes everyone should have an equal say, and "socialist" means he’s not getting elected.
Radio Shack just announced they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday. Mostly because Radio Shack’s worried they won’t be around on Friday.
This Date In History: 1789;
New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights.
1910;
Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz.
1945;
The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nuremberg, Germany.
1947;
The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh.
1962;
President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis.
1975;
Spain's General Francisco Franco died.
2000
Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.
Picture Of The Day: The Sprint Cup Trophy will belong to one of the four contenders in Sunday's Championship race.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Every time my girlfriend stays over, we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs the bed while I'm on the side hanging on for dear life.
2) It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee on parked car tires. 3) I read that four years after pregnancy, thirty-eight percent of all moms still were not drinking. I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Facebook. 4) My girlfriend told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator. 5) There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I replaced out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 20th: Be aware that all lines are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like roller coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line, it might be a blessing.
Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903, Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, Former Attorney General 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, American ambassador 1948.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
After a week, she walks out of the hospital and is killed crossing the street by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?!" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."
Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"
Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"
Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, "No..." Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."
He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."
A seven-year-old and a fuve-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The fuve-year-old nods his head in approval.
The seven-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The five-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, then runs upstairs crying his eyes out, his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the five-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The five-year-old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to shoot marsh mellows at the hoops. Personally, I'd preface that action by sending her a cocktail first. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Nascar is in Miami this weekend for the final races of the season. Tonight's Camping World Truck race will determine the championship as will Saturday's Nationwide Series race and Sunday's Sprint championship. Additionally, there are some IOU's outstanding in all three races and I'm thinking payback may be an option for some.
Brad Keselowski leads Jimmie Johnson (both pictured above) for the Sprint Championship by a mere 20 points. That may seem like an insurmountable lead but this is the last race of the season and anything goes. And, of course, Clint Bowyer still has a minor problem with Jeff Gordon after Gordon purposely wrecked him and took him out of the championship at Phoenix Speedway last week. If I were Gordon, I'd be checking my mirror often.
In Saturday's Nationwide, Elliot Sadler trails Ricky Stenhouse Jr by 20 points after Sadler's car went sour at Phoenix last week. Austin Dillon trails by 25 points. Again, it's championship weekend so anything can (and probably will) happen.
In tonight's Camping World Truck race, James Buescher leads Timothy Peters (-11 pts) and Ty Dillon (-12 pts). Joey Coulter (-29 pts) still has an outside chance for the championship.
Tonight's truck race can be seen on Speed (8 pm), Saturday's Nationwide Championship is on ESPN (4 pm) and Sunday's Sprint Championship is on ESPN (2pm), all times EST.
The News As I See It: Obama looked good in his recent press conference. He took some softball questions from the leftist press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.
There are reports that Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.
Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there.
The David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general, John Allen and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.
The FBI guy evidently sent Jill Kelley pictures of himself with his shirt off.
You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing.
Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. You can browse 2 million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook and then use Facebook to find another job. It's the circle of life.
New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker and the closer you live to Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.
At a gas station in Texas, a woman purchased what she thought was a $200 iPad that turned out to be just a mirror. Let that be a lesson. Make sure you buy your iPad from a reputable gas station.
Pope Benedict made a surprise visit to a retirement home near the Vatican this week. You know, if there's one thing people in a retirement home like, it's surprises.
This Date In History: 1864;
General Sherman and his troops began their "March to the sea" during the Civil War.
1907;
Oklahoma became the 46th state.
1933;
The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.
1973;
President Nixon signed the bill authorizing the construction of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline.
2004;
President George W. Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state.
Picture Of The Day: There's wisdom in remembering to smile at someone who's bigger than you, especially when you're wearing your pajamas.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) All mothers have intuition. Great mothers have radar. 2) I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row. 3) I could be a morning person if morning happened around noon. 4) Don’t tell me a tomato is "technically a fruit" unless you’re willing to drink it in a milkshake. 5) Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 16th: Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts cookies and ice-cream will revive them. My gift to you today is this bit of wisdom: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Birthdays: W. C. Handy
songwriter 1873,
George S. Kaufman
dramatist and journalist 1889,
Burgess Meredith
actor 1907,
Jose Saramago
novelist 1922,
Chinua Achebe
writer 1930,
Elizabeth Drew
journalist 1935,
Robert Nozick
political philosopher 1938,
Maggie Gyllenhaal
actor 1977.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes.
He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".
The old guy says "I'll bet you do and you've got great tits too."
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and saying, "You're next."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington state for her contribution to today's stories.
Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of that cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
The Nun asked, "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
The Nun said, "What a wonderful answer!"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face and asked, "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."
Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."
At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, perfect little feet and just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see good?"
The mother said, "Why, yes Johnny. His doctor said he has 20/20 vision.
Little Johnny said, "That's good, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"
That's it for today, my little pepper mints. Remember, you do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. I might head over AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Miami is abuzz this weekend as Nascar comes to Miami for the final races of the season. Homestead-Miami Speedway will be awash with racing fans as Jimmie Johnson attempts to win an unprecedented fourth consecutive Sprint Cup championship. Johnson leads second place Mark Martin by 105 points and can clinch the championship by finishing 25th place or better. 
There are many other drivers who could care less about the fate of Johnson and Martin. This is the last race of the season and all of the drivers will be throwing caution to the wind and looking to put their cars in Victory Lane. Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon, Kyle and Kurt Busch, Tony Stewart and the up and coming Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya all have the necessary talent and speed to win Sunday's race, which will be broadcast on ABC starting at 2:30 pm (EST).The Nationwide Series championship is all but sewn up as points leader Kyle Busch needs only to start the race to secure the championship. Saturday's race will begin at 4:30 pm (EST) and can be seen on ESPN2. The race weekend kicks off this evening with the Camping World Truck Series race beginning at 7:30 pm (EST) and televised on the Speed Channel.The News As I See It: Prez Obie took a tour of the Great Wall of China and he said it was "magical." Two years ago, former Prez Georgie "Dubya" Bush stood at the exact same spot and said, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." The Great Wall is 4,000 miles long, and was built to stop foreign invaders. Maybe we can get the Chinese to build us one on the U.S. - Mexico border. 
The United States postal service announced last week that they’ve lost $3.8 billion dollars last year. Here's an idea — let's put the government in charge of healthcare. The No. 1 movie at the box office this week is the end-of-the-world action film, "2012." In the movie, California is crumbling, America is in shambles, and people are forced to abandon their homes. It should have been called "2009."NBC’s Green Week is being celebrated at Rockefeller Center in New York City. What better way to celebrate than by ripping a giant tree out of the ground, covering it with lights, and leaving them on for a month? Somali pirates attacked the same American ship they attacked this summer — but this time the ship drove the pirates off with a high-decibel noise-making device. The specific noise they used to repel the pirates? The "Free Credit Report dot com" song.And finally, In 1973, Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, "I am not a crook." That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. Now it's just part of the job.This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico Porfirio Diaz. 1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nurember, Germany.1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh. 1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000; Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned. 
Picture Of The Day: The final race of the Nascar Sprint Cup season is on Sunday and a weekend of championship racing is on tap. Although it looks like Jimmie Johnson is on his way to a fourth championship, my sentimental choice for the race is Mark Martin, a true racing champion. I would also hope to see Dale Earnhardt Jr and Miami resident Juan Pablo Montoya do well in the race. We'll see.....Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Last winter in Miami was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) An adult is someone who can legally run with scissors, but doesn't have the energy. 4) I know an older couple that are a little rough on each other in bed. Their motto is "Violence is golden." 5) You can say what you want about Oedipus but at least he loved his mother.....and that's five !Birthdays: My Pal, Tamara, whose birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903,Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, U.S. Attorney General and senator 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, political figure 1948. 
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldblatz, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."Mr. Goldblatz said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus." 
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.A man bought a new Chevy Silverado and returned to the dealer yesterday because he couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. In a demonstration, the salesman said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?'' The salesman said, "Willie!" Instantly, "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then the salesman said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.The man drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven," and get beautiful classical music. If I said, "Beatles," he'd get one of their awesome songs.The next day, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed his new truck, but he swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!". Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."Authors Note: You may change the punchline of the above joke and replace it with any deserving Democratic or Republican leader. 
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well no." The angry man continued, "What if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk said, "Well, I probably wouldn't."With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" The little boy said, "No, I don't."The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"That's it for today my little kidney beans. Remember, one of the good things about not being famous is that you have to do something really, really stupid to make the news. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. I don't think that will make the headlines. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.Stay Tuned !
