A Case Of Reptile Dysfunction

Watching Animal Planet yesterday, I happened to see a picture of a lizard that looked somewhat like the salamander above, except the lizard I encountered was not a salamander. A few years ago, I was watching TV on a Monday night when one about 14 inches long walked out of my bathroom.

These lizards are not indigenous to Miami and I had never seen one before. Moreover, it scared the crap out of me. Understand, that I have literally waded and fished in alligator infested waters and, as a kid, have searched for and caught various lizards and snakes.

The only way that this guy could have come out of my bathroom would be via the plumbing, the thought of which still unnerves me. But this species was new to me and I immediately looked for a way to help it out of my house.

As I inched over to grab a broom, I glanced away for a moment and when I looked back, he had disappeared. Add to the picture that Johnnie Walker Black and I had been carousing and drinking all evening.

So, there I sat....scotch in one hand and the broom in the other, with reptile dysfunction and waiting for the lizard to show himself so that I could go to bed and sleep in peace. Fortunately (for both of us), he finally came out and I escorted him to the sliding glass door where he slipped into the darkness.....

The News As I See It: China became the third nation to land on the moon. I'm happy for China. Sending a rover to the moon is really impressive. These days our government can't even get a website to work. Here's what I know about the moon. It's pale and white and on some nights I stare at it for hours at a time. No, wait, I'm thinking of Anderson Cooper.

That fake sign language guy said the problem was he heard voices in his head. One of the voices said, "Maybe you should learn sign language."

The Obamacare website was down over the weekend. Fortunately, most Americans were unaffected because they never knew it was up.

A football player from Troy University in Alabama has been arrested for murder. Sounds like he's ready for the NFL.
 

This Date In History: 1737; Violin maker Antonio Stradivari died in Cremona, Italy. 1787; New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1865; Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.

1892; Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker Suite" premiered at St. Petersburg's Maryinksy Theatre. 1944; The Supreme Court upheld the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans. 1956; Japan was admitted to the United Nations.

1957; The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania became the first civilian nuclear facility to generate electricity in the United States. 1969; The British Parliament abolished the death penalty for murder. 2000; George W. Bush received 271 votes in the delayed Electoral College balloting.

Picture Of The Day: The wise old owl is today's picture theme excepting the malicious little lizard with whom I had a run-in.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons. 2) I haven't worn a watch in 20 years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 3) My coworker doesn't like me which is weird because his wife does. 4) I'm going to change my Facebook name to "Benefits", so that when you add me it will say, "You are now friends with benefits." 5) As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 18th: The government will not allow you to do what you want. You may hear good news today from an excitable old lady who may turn out to be drunk. Live like you would like and you will part this world a happier person.

Birthdays: My friends Bob and Donna - Happy Birthday 19XX, Paul Klee, artist 1879, Ty Cobb, baseball player 1886, Edwin Armstrong, engineer and radio inventor 1890, Fletcher Henderson, jazz composer and pianist 1897, Benjamin O. Davis, Jr. air force general 1912, Willy Brandt, political leader 1913, Betty Grable, actress 1916, Ossie Davis, actor, director, screenwriter 1917, Ramsey Clark, attorney general 1927, Keith Richards, musician, songwriter 1943, Steven Spielberg, American Film Director 1946, Ray Liotta, actor 1954, Brad Pitt, actor 1963, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, tennis player 1971, Katie Holmes, actress 1978, Christina Aguilera, singer 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out, "May Day! May Day! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how to fly. Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." The voice on the radio says, "Ok, repeat after me: Our Father Who are in Heaven…."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Mike and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

The officer replies, "Ma'am, You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." The woman said, "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly....Twenty-Two miles an hour!"

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

The officer said, "Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." The woman replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Washington state There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember,\the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses is that carbon monoxide is a silent killer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Politicians Are Just Snakes With Reptile Dysfunction

Federal lawmakers are to blame for the current problems in the relief bill for victims of Hurricane Sandy because they insert "Pork" (things that are totally extraneous) into bills such as this. The legislation has been criticized for being "packed" with 60 billion dollars for funding for unrelated items.

The pork-barrel feast includes more than $8 million to buy cars and equipment for the Homeland Security and Justice departments. It also includes a whopping $150 million for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration to dole out to fisheries in Alaska and $2 million for the Smithsonian Institution to repair museum roofs in DC.

An eye-popping $13 billion would go to "mitigation" projects to prepare for future storms. Other big-ticket items in the bill include $207 million for the VA Manhattan Medical Center; $41 million to fix up eight military bases along the storm’s path, including Guantanamo Bay, Cuba; $4 million for repairs at Kennedy Space Center in Florida; $3.3 million for the Plum Island Animal Disease Center and $1.1 million to repair national cemeteries.

Only $1 out of every $6 — $9 billion of the $60 billion will be spent in 2013. That means 85 percent doesn’t come until 2014 and beyond. Show me how in hell would this crap provide immediate relief for Hurricane Sandy victims?

No bill should ever be allowed to pass that contains pork. If a Congressman has a "pet project", it should stand and be voted upon solely on its merits, not neatly tucked and hidden onto the back of important legislation.

An example of how disasters can sneak in pork spending and other types of fraud is relayed by The Heritage Foundation: "Fraud related to Hurricane Katrina spending is estimated to top $2 billion. In addition, debit cards provided to hurricane victims were used to pay for Caribbean vacations, NFL tickets, Dom Perignon champagne, 'Girls Gone Wild' videos and at least one sex change operation."

What do you think about the antics of Congress now that you know about the pork spending stuffed into the Sandy relief bill? My suggestion is that every damn one of the, from Barry Obama to the newest 2013 members, should be run out of town on a rail (right after they're tarred and feathered).

The News As I See It: Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV, for $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called "global fleecing."

Some people are concerned that 2013 will be an unlucky year because of the number 13. As compared to those lucky years like 2012 and 2011.

Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators.

Obama signed the new fiscal cliff tax increase into law while vacationing in Hawaii. He used an autopen, an electronic way of signing your name when you're not even there. Politicians can now raise your taxes while they're on vacation in Hawaii. This is a Democrat's dream come true.

John Boehner was re-elected speaker of the house, which is pretty amazing — a Republican winning anything these days.

Chris Christie lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, "Hey, we don't do anything for anybody."

The National Journal says that Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Joe Biden got this exciting news while he was walking Barry Obama's dog, Bo.

Members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, "Well, that's enough work for the year."

The Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators.

This Date In History: 1885; Dr. William W. Grant of Davenport, Iowa, performed what is thought to be the first appendectomy. 1896; Utah was admitted as 45th state in the United States.

1904; In Gonzales v. Williams, the U.S. Supreme Court decided that citizens of Puerto Rico are not aliens and can enter the U.S. freely. 1948; Burma (Myanmar) gained independence from Great Britain. 1951; During the Korean War, North Korean and Communist Chinese forces captured the city of Seoul.

1965; President Johnson outlined his "Great Society" in his State of the Union address. 1999; Former wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as Minnesota's governor. 1999; The U.S. Mint began distributing the 50 State Quarters.

Picture Of The Day: On Wednesday, I complained about photographers taking unauthorized pictures of my summer condo. I'll be damned if they didn't do it again, taking a shot of my winter home.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves. 2) The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem. 3) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my Uncle's retirement home. 4) My friend has been on so many blind dates, he got a free seeing-eye dog. 5) All men see in only 16 colors, just like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 4th: People will begin to question your penchant for lime-green clothing which, oddly enough, is the color of this paragraph. You are a carrier bag and life is one big supermarket. Now you're fully engrossed in that analogy, I want you to think of me as the store announcer: "Clean up in aisle 12."

Birthdays: My pal Linda in Washington State - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Sir Isaac Newton, mathematician, scientist 1643, Benjamin Rush, physician, signer of the Declaration of Independence 1746, Jakob Grimm, German folklorist and co-author (along with his brother) of Grimm's Fairy Tales 1785, Louis Braille, inventor of Braille system 1809, Sir Isaac Pitman, inventor of phonographic shorthand 1813, Tom Thumb, entertainer 1838, Jane Wyman actress, producer 1914, Floyd Patterson, boxer 1935.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, have we scheduled landscaping today?"

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem. 30 percent of all respondents answered, "Yes, it is a serious problem." 70 percent of respondents answered, "No es una problema serio."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This week, as Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and said, "Nice pigs, Sir."

Obama replied, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Illinois Porkers. I got one for my wife and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and said, "Excellent trade, sir."

Rachel was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" Max, smiling broadly, answered, "You'll know at midnight."

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Rachel and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams." Max never heard the shot...

Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."

Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

That's it for today, my little cupcakes. Remember, I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts (Will Rogers). Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !