"Take This Job And Shove It"

I've been self employed most of my life and, for the most part, I've always done whatever I wanted do do. That said, if I were ever to have to quit a tense and tedious job, I think I'd like to quit the way JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater did.

According to news reports, Slater, 38, got into an argument with a passenger who tried to remove luggage from an overhead bin too early upon landing, bonking him on the head with the luggage and then swearing at him. Slater, his head bleeding from a cut caused by the passenger's luggage, swore back at the passenger, making a four-letter-word-laced intercom announcement over the plane's loudspeaker.

The passenger had begun to unload her carry-on bag from the overhead compartment before the crew had given passengers the OK to get out of their seats. When Slater asked the woman to sit back down, she instead continued to remove her bag, which fell out of the cabin and struck Slater in the head. An argument then ensued, and when Slater asked her to apologize, she cursed him instead.

Slater responded in kind. He took to the plane's public-address system and announced: "To the passenger who just called me a motherf*cker, f*ck you! That's It! I've had it!" Then he grabbed a couple of beers from the plane's beverage cart, got his own luggage and deployed the aircraft's inflatable emergency exit slide. He then slid down onto the tarmac and out of a job. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.

The friendly skies of old have become a lot less friendly over the last decade or so. A frenetic work pace, long hours and dealing with passengers who still feel entitled have turned the job of flight attendant from exciting to grueling and demanding.

Without judging either party involved in the incident, I've seen many unruly and rude airline passengers in my time. My guess is that the passenger involved in the incident was an asshole. Shades of Johnny Paycheck's hit song "Take This Job And Shove It."

The News As I See It: Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On September 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.

Tiger Woods finished 18 over par last weekend at the Bridgestone Invitational. The last time he hit this many trees, he was trying to get out of his driveway.

President Obozo announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.

The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.

This Date In History: 1909; Arapahoe became the first American ship to use the S.O.S. distress signal. 1934; The first inmates arrived at the federal prison on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. 1952; King Hussein of Jordan ascended the throne after his father had been declared mentally unfit.

1954; More than seven years of fighting in Indochina formerly ended with the cessation of French control. 1956; Abstract artist Jackson Pollock died in an automobile accident. 1960; Chad gained its independence from France.

1965; Following the arrest of a young black motorist, the predominately black neighborhood of Watts in Los Angeles erupted in riots that lasted six days and left 34 dead.

Picture Of The Day: Ok, you're probably wondering what in hell do animals have to do with today's post? The answer? Absolutely nothing. Other than the JetBlue incident, it's been a relatively slow news week and therefore, a relatively slow photoshop week. So, I found some animal pictures that I liked and here they are.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene!" 2) Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel. 3) Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. 4) Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving. 5) "To do is to be" (Descartes) - "To be is to do" (Voltaire) - "Do be do be do" (Frank Sinatra)......and that's five !

Birthdays: Friedrich Ludwig Jahn, father of gymnastics 1778, Robert Ingersoll, orator 1833, Carrie Jacobs Bond, songwriter 1862, Louise Bogan, poet and critic 1897, Lloyd Nolan, actor 1902, Alex Haley author 1921, Steve Wozniak, entrepreneur 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."The woman asks, "Well, what was it?"

The man is not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding, The sales clerk, "Yes, madam, exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, and then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''

The woman, peeved at the clerk's directness, said, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding that he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

The clerk asked. ''What about your third husband?" The woman replied, "Oh, he was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

A man and a young woman are riding next to each other in first class. The woman sneezes, then shakes and shudders. The man reaches into his tote bag, pulls out a travel pack of tissues and hands one to her. A few minutes pass and the young woman sneezes again. Again, she shakes and shudders, this time more violently. The man hands the young woman another tissue.

Five minutes pass and the young woman sneezes again and shudders so violently that she grabs the mans forearm. Concerned, the man asks, "Are you alright Miss?" The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man says, "My word! What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.....a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "I don't know, let me ask him, "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

That's it for today my little brussel sprouts. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. That reminds me, it's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for the Karaoke show. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday Has Arrived On Schedule - Drat !

I want to thank all my friends and readers for your kind and generous comments on my music video "Save The Last Dance For Me." This is an idea that I have been trying to put together for a long period of time. Fortunately, utilizing some very good music and video programs, I am now able to take songs that I am currently recording along with other songs that I have recorded and produce these videos.

There are more frontiers along this endeavor which I have plans to explore and incorporate in my videos. I have three new videos currently in production and I am currently gathering all of the different visual aids and pictures that I need to finish the production.

All of the videos will be shown here on Jimmy's Journal and will be subsequently be uploaded to my YouTube link: Jimmy's YouTube. There are currently three of my videos on Jimmy's YouTube including "Save The Last Dance For Me", "The More I See You" and "In The Garden." You can click the link in this paragraph or the link on my sidebar to go to the sight. In the interim, here's my latest video, "The More I See You." I hope you enjoy it.

Remember to mute my playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: New York airports are getting those controversial TSA full-body scanners next month. You know, those scanners that let the workers see everything? Well that's just great! Normally, I have to take a Xanax for my nerves before I fly and now I'll have to take a Viagra.

The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life, just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer.

A company in Britain has created a car that can be powered by human waste. It's cool, but it gets a little uncomfortable when your buddy asks you to "chip in" for gas.

This Date In History: 1854; Henry David Thoreau's Walden, recounting his experiment in solitary life on the shores of Massachusetts' Walden Pond, was published. 1936; Jesse Owens became the first American to win four gold medals in one Olympics. 1945; The United States exploded a nuclear bomb over Nagasaki, Japan, killing an estimated 74,000 people.

1965; Singapore proclaimed its independence from Malaysia. 1974; Vice president Gerald Ford was sworn in as president following Nixon's resignation. 1995; Jerry Garcia, lead singer and guitarist of the Grateful Dead, died.

Picture Of The Day: Last weeks news was fun and great fodder for the photoshop gang. There's no real need to describe to today's pictures other than they're in the news. The California Gay Marriage Prop 8 decision was overturned, Chelsea's wedding, new Supreme Court Justice Kagan is confirmed by the Senate, Castro wrote a book and all the other usual political horseshit.

The only true picture that needs a bit of verbage is the featured picture of my new heroine, the mythical Cathy Cleavage, who even as a joke, would be better than any politician in Congress.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm always frank and earnest with women. In Miami, I'm Frank and in Fort Lauderdale, I'm Ernest. 2) My friend got on a plane and told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" He told her, "You did it last week!" 3) When my son was very young, I bought one of those strollers for twins. Then I put him in and ran around, looking frantic. When he got older, I told him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 4) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 5) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste......and that's five !

Birthdays: Izaak Walton, writer 1593, Amedeo Avogadro, physicist 1776, William Fowler, nuclear astrophysicist 1911, Bob Cousy, basketball player 1928, Whitney Houston, singer 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman lost her husband four years ago and her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world. Finally, the woman said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

It was an immediate hit. After dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. She stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties and he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

An older woman had just returned for shopping and was coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. She said to her husband, "After all, dear, you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" Her husband replied, "No, nor would I expect to find a dead beaver gift wrapped."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King said, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. The grateful monarch said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless…….

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" The other guy said, "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

That's it for today my little jitterbugs. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems but then again, neither does milk. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Save The Last Dance For Me

I have always enjoyed music and I began performing early as a child singing along with songs on the radio. Over the years, I have pursued this, not necessarily for money, but more for the pure enjoyment. Music runs in the family as both my parents, Brother Kirt and Sister Jeanne are all very talented.

Brother Kirt and I began performing relatively young and we were asked to perform on a local television show. Unfortunately, being so young, we declined the invitation, intimidated by the thought and our parents went along with our decision. We later formed our own band and performed in various places until the Vietnam era came to be and the realities of life set in.

I have continued to perform over the years playing the guitar, keyboard and singing in various nightclubs as well as sitting in with other bands and performers. In the interim, I also opened my own real estate company in 1984, which, along with marriage, took up most of my time.

Recently, I began recording some of my favorite songs in my home studio, utilizing an excellent music program that I found on the Internet. Always creative, I continued to search for a program (other than a CD) to publish my works. Lo and behold, the tool already existed in my computer and although I was aware of the program, I never knew how to use it.

Well, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and then and I have begun to record my music with the program. Although each song takes a lot of time to record and produce, not to mention the time it takes to apply the song, pictures and video to the final production, the time goes by rapidly as I am totally consumed by the project.

I have recorded many songs over the years but this is the first video that I produced. This video and others can be viewed at my YouTube site link located on my sidebar or here Jimmy's YouTube . All of the three part harmonies in this video are performed by myself. Enjoy the video

Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: The White House (is that an oxymoron?) is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha get back from spending our tax dollars in Spain (as opposed to spending it in America where unemployment is rampant and everyone's broke). It’ll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the Salahis . . .

In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout.

A British ice cream company is now selling an adults-only ice cream made with Viagra. They say their goal is to create a Popsicle that will never melt.

This Date In History: 1806; The Holy Roman Empire ended with the abdication of Emperor Francis II. 1825; Bolivia declared its independence from Peru. 1926; Gertrude Ederle became the first U.S. woman to swim across the English Channel. 1945; The first atomic bomb used in warfare was dropped on Hiroshima, Japan.

1962; Jamaica gained its independence within the Britain Commonwealth. 1965; President Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which outlawed the poll taxes and literacy tests that had restricted black voter registration in the South.

1997; British prime minister Tony Blair and Sinn Fein president Gerry Adams meet—the first time in 76 years that a British leader and an IRA ally meet. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his candidacy to replace Gray Davis as governor of California to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show. The dumb son-of-a bitch was subsequently elected which indicates the average I.Q. of Californians. Does the word "bankrupt" ring a bell?

Picture Of The Day: Going with the title of my song, I thought some select dancing pictures would fit right in.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. 2) You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. 3) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute? 4) The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. 5) I've always wondered who was the first person to think, "Hey, I think I'll eat the thing that just fell out of that chicken's ass.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Alfred Tennyson, English poet 1809, Alexander Fleming, bacteriologist 1881, Helen Jacobs, tennis player 1908, Lucille Ball, American actress 1911, Richard Hofstadter, historian 1916, Robert Mitchum, actor 1917, Andy Warhol, artist, film maker 1928.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?" Martha said, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

Henry said, "I remember that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time." Martha said, "Alright, Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you need 15 votes to win?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contributions to today's stories.

A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That's once a day! You could really learn from this one." The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room. She asked, "What are you doing?" The daughter-in--law said, "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work. I am wearing my love dress."

The mother-in-law said, "Love dress? But you're naked!" The daughter-in-law said, "My husband loves me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. He said, "What are you doing?" She whispered, sensually, "This is my love dress." Her husband said, "Needs ironing."

A man said to his wife as he stepped out of the shower, "It's really hot outside. Honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife replied, "Probably that I married you for your money."

That's it for today my little lamb chops. Remember, we are all merely time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour. Although I got home really, really late last night, I've just about recovered enough to make to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Kitty, Kitty, Kitty !

I have always loved animals and over the years, I've had quite a few. Although I've mostly had cats and dogs, during the years when the children were small, we also had a variety other pets including parakeets, parrots, finches, hamsters, turtles and fish. That said, personally, at this time in my life, I would rather have a cat.

I adore dogs and as a boy and younger man, I have had several, all beloved and now in doggie heaven. Then again, in those days, I had a house with a nice back yard. When the dogs needed to attend to their business, my sole function was to get up from my recliner and open the sliding glass door.

Today, the kids are grown, I'm single and my cat and beloved friend is Possum S. Hemmingway. Most of you already know what the middle initial "S" stands for but for the unknowing, it stands for "Shithead," an endearing term I use to refer to him when he makes me up too early or makes me angry. In my defense for using such a name for Possum, I assure you that he calls me names as well. I don't speak Catonese very well, but I'm pretty sure that they're bad words.

In either case, Possum and I get along fine and I don't have to get up at 4 am to take him for a duty call. He, in turn, likes all of my lady friends, makes his appearance when necessary and disappears when necessary. He also doesn't hump legs (a habit that I've been trying to break as well).

One thing I've never understood is why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

All things considered, I'm content with my pal, Possum and he puts up with me, as well. Probably the most important thought is that I've never really trusted anyone who doesn't love animals, but, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi said that when it comes to cleaning up government, the Democrats have drained the swamp. The only problem with that is what’s left after you drain the swamp: snakes everywhere.

It has been reported that $8.7 billion of our money has gone missing in Iraq. I didn’t even know they had a Goldman Sachs over there.

A man in Ohio was arrested for pushing his kids in a stroller while he was drunk. Police could tell the man was drunk because his kids are in their late 20s. A 113 year-old-woman who is the oldest person in Tokyo has gone missing. Did anybody check heaven?

This Date In History: 1735; Printer John Peter Zenger, defended by Andrew Hamilton, was acquitted of libel in a case that helped foster freedom of the press. 1884; Thomas Stevens became the first person to bicycle across the United States. He later bicycled around the world. 1892; Lizzie Borden's father and stepmother were killed with an axe in Fall River, Mass.

1914; Germany invaded Belgium and, in response, Britain declared war on Germany. 1916; Denmark ceded the Danish West Indies, including the Danish Virgin Islands, to the United States for $25 million. 1944; Anne Frank and her family were found hiding in Amsterdam by Nazis.

1964; The bodies of three civil-rights workers were found in an earthen dam, six weeks into a federal investigation backed by President Johnson 1977; President Carter signed a congressional act that established the Department of Energy.

Picture Of The Day: The theme for today was born by the morning weather as it was raining and my cat was whining that he needed food. When I finally got out of bed and went into the kitchen, he had food in his dish. He sat patiently beside his dish and looked up to see if I was adding new food to the bowl. You see, Mr. Hemmingway requires old food to be "refreshed" with a dash of new food in order to eat.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, vici: I came, I saw, I conquered. Volvo, video, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. 2) Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros. 3) I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. 4) By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. 5) To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential......and that's five !

Birthdays: Percy Bysshe Shelley, poet 1792, Russell Sage, financier 1815, Louis Armstrong, American jazz trumpet virtuoso, singer, and bandleader 1901, Raoul Wallenberg, diplomat 1912, Robert Hayden poet 1913, Helen Thomas correspondent 1920, Billy Bob Thornton actor, screenwriter 1955, Roger Clemens baseball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

An old man was walking in the street when a voice said, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Where are you? Who are you?" The voice said, "I am your guardian angel." The old man said, "Oh yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

She continued, "He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

The Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. The first little piggy said, "I would like a Sprite." The second little piggy said, "I would like a coke." The third little piggy said, "I'll have a beer."

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. The first little piggy said, "I'll have a nice big steak." The second little piggy said, "I would like the salad plate." The third little piggy said, "I want a beer...no, make that two beers." The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

The first little piggy said, "I want a banana split." The second little piggy said, "I'll have a piece of cheesecake." The third little piggy said, "Give me another beer." The waiter said to the third little piggy, "Pardon me for asking, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?" The third little piggy said, "Hey, somebody has to go, 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man said, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks."

The Pastor asked, "What happened?" The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "That's okay, we're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

On Friday: My new video "Save The Last Dance For Me".

That's it for today my little mud puddles. Remember, people who choose the path less traveled by are ofttimes merely lost. Personally, I'm taking the high road straight to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Food For Thought (and other unmentionable issues)

I'm preparing blackened snapper with wild rice and salad for dinner this evening but before I start dinner, there's one thing I have to get off my chest. I think the person who developed Saran wrap or Glad wrap or whatever the hell it's called is sick and demented. I've purchased every brand that exists and no matter what I do, the damned crap sticks together the minute I tear it off and I end up with a big wad of plastic.

The problem is that I use it to wrap meats and fish before wrapping them in aluminum foil for freezing, so I'm forced to fight with each sheet, mano a mano, as I prepare my different meats for the freezer. Other than that, I see no real use for the stupid product.

Yeah, I know, there are certain brands that claim not to cling while using them, but those same brands are the same ones that fall off the top of the salad bowl that I've just prepared and covered for dinner later in the evening.

When it gets down to it, the only real use for see through plastic is for women's blouses or (even better), a Mazola party. That's when you take a large roll of plastic, lay it out on the floor and smear it with Mazola oil. Then you get naked with your lady and play "slip and slide.". Kinda kinky, huh?

The News As I See It: Charlie Rangel has reportedly struck a deal with the ethics panel. You know what that means. It’s time to start investigating the ethics panel. In the interim, less than a week after Charlie Rangel was formally charged, Maxine Waters has also been accused of violating House rules. I'm sure they both "hope" for "changes."

New York City has declared war on bed bugs. Apparently, it’s a huge problem there. I guess the reason New York City is infested with bed bugs is that most of the bugs don’t want to live in New Jersey.

Lindsay Lohan has been released from jail after serving 13 full days of her 90-day sentence for violating her probation stemming from a 2007 DUI. I guess they had to make room for Snooki from "Jersey Shore." Speaking of New Jersey, they have started using a device to give people advanced warning of lightning. It’s called "thunder."

This Date In History: 1876; Wild Bill Hickok was murdered in Deadwood, S.D. 1909; The first Lincoln penny was issued 1923; Warren G. Harding, the 29th president of the United States, died in San Francisco. 1943; PT-109, a torpedo boat commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, was sunk off the Solomon Islands by a Japanese destroyer.

1945; The Potsdam Conference, in which Allied leaders planned the postwar governance of Germany, ended. 1990; The Persian Gulf War broke out when Iraq invaded Kuwait.

Picture Of The Day: Since I was on the subject of food preparation and storage, I thought I'd throw in some mouth watering pictures to highlight my point. This post is making me hungry!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a Bitch. 2) I always take life with a grain of salt....plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. 3) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 4) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 5) I almost got in a fight one time with a really big guy. He said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pierre Charles L'Enfant, soldier, engineer, and architect 1754, Elisha Gray, inventor 1835, John Sloan, artist 1871, Myrna Loy, actress 1905, Carroll O'Connor, actor 1922, James Baldwin, novelist 1924, Peter O'Toole, actor 1932, Isabel Allende,Chilean novelist 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Old Bubba shows up at the bar all out of breath so his friend Harry asks him. "What the hell is wrong with you? Bubba says "I've been running from the cops, but I finally lost them" Harry asked, "What the hell did you do?" Bubba replied, "Nothing, I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Harry said, "That's not against the law." Bubba said, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure must have thought it was."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brother Kirt and my pal Victor were both employed by the U.S. Postal Service. This story is for them.

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a five dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge and said, "All of this was just too wonderful for words, but what's the five dollars for?" She said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him, give him five dollars. The breakfast was my idea!"

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! Ok, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Ok, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she is low on gas, so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she had locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, the blonde asks the attendant for a coat hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy (no relation) the lock.

Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring. The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around. Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left. A little more to the right ... "

Authors Note: I am now downloading videos of some of the songs that I sing and record to YouTube. I hope to have one of my recordings on Jimmy's Journal on Wednesday or Friday. Beware.........

That's it for today my little chicklets. Remember, some people cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !