The Beatles arrived on Pan Am Flight 101 at New York’s John F. Kennedy Airport. on February 7, 1964.They didn’t really know what to expect. Even though they had a No. 1 hit with "I Want to Hold Your Hand," they’d heard enough stories about other British musicians who failed to connect in America.
An emotional crowd of somewhere between three and five thousand greeted the Beatles at the airport and "Beatlemania" had arrived. It was the first visit to the United States by the Beatles who had just scored their first Number One U.S. hit six days before with "I Want to Hold Your Hand."
At Kennedy, the "Fab Four" dressed in mod suits and sporting their trademark pudding bowl haircuts nearly caused a riot when the boys stepped off their plane and onto American soil. Two days later, Paul McCartney, age 21, Ringo Starr, 23, John Lennon, 23, and George Harrison, 20, made their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
Although it was difficult to hear the performance over the screams of teenage girls in the studio audience, an estimated 73 million U.S. television viewers, or about 40 percent of the U.S. population, tuned in to watch. Sullivan immediately booked the Beatles for two more appearances that month.
The rest, as they say, is history. The Beatles went on to become one of the most influential sounds in music and the number one band in sales. It was the best of times, back in the day, and I can say I was there to enjoy it......
The News As I See It: After 30 years on the bench, Justice Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.
According to a new study, older people who have sex regularly tend to have better memories, while the people who walked in on them just want to forget.
I read a very interesting story in the newspaper today. For the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts. 1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.
1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.
Picture Of The Day: The boys deplane.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down. 2) One thing that both White and Black people know, but Spanish people do not, is that chicken is food, not a roommate. 3) As kids, we all used to skinny dip. Nowadays, most of us just chunky dunk. 4) Did you ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and blaming it on the republicans? 5) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .
Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy and actor 1919,
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I met a beautiful girl last night in the Area 51 bar. She just walked up and said, "Hi, my name's Carmen." I said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
She said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" I said, "B.J. Titsenfishing."
Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"
Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine..."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."
The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."
The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
A woman stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the congregation. "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, suffered this past month."
She continued, "He was riding his motorcycle, lost control and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. She continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He can hardly lift anything, he's in a lot pain and he has missed work because of it."
His wife added, "Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation. "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife. Honey, the word is 'sternum'."
That's it for today, my little rosebuds Remember, memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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If it's "only $19.95" and "not sold in stores", don't buy it. If your attorney advertises on TV at 3 o'clock in the morning, get a new attorney. If your prescription drugs are advertising and the side effects include: death, blindness, tuberculosis, liver damage, anal leakage, loss of sense of humor, et cetera, ad nauseum, don't buy it.
Lets begin with the "Only $19.95" game, Why don't they just charge $20? Because the price looks cheaper, but let's face it, it's $20, plus shipping and handling. Ten year guarantee! Really? A corporation cost less than $500 to create and it's usually "offshore" Yeah, that'll be a successful lawsuit.
If the spokesperson speaks so shrill and loudly, you check to see of your cat got it's tail stuck in the door, just change the TV channel. "Act now and we'll double the offer, Just pay shipping and handling". Guess what that will cost? Another $20! There is no such thing as a free lunch!
Attorneys who advertise on TV in the AM are usually the bottom of the barrel. Owning a real estate company, I have dealt with attorneys all of my career. I never met (or used) those who do their own advertising on TV. The major issue always seem to be how much money they earned for a client, Good attorneys are more prone to look out after your interests.
Drug companies drive me crazy with their new drugs. Whoever creates the names of these products should be sent back to school to learn English.
Since most people over 50 usually have one malady or the other, I sometimes listen to the information. The final straw is when they list possible side effects and one quickly decides that the thirty-odd side effects do not justify using the drug.
The News As I See It: Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.
In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up in to three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan.
Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting."
Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. Apparently, they've run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty and well into their second trimester.
Sonic says if this goes well, they're all set to unveil their next exciting flavor, Cabbage Drippings. Sonic claims the new flavor has "a distinctly summer vibe to create new summer memories." Memories like, "Hey! You remember that time I threw up at Sonic?"
This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights.
1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.
Picture Of The Day: Child with body guards.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again. 2) My parents moved a lot when I was younger. We kids always managed to track them down though.
3) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you desire authentic French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) It takes over five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and fifty dollars for those in the know.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 22nd: With every passing moment you are pissing away your life reading nonsense on the Internet. For this reason, any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.
Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senile senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, ultra liberal actress 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that she would be called "woman."
God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."
God continued, "She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a strange bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."
The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"
The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this Sex book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.
The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."
The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."
That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, pepperoni, cheese, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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This is yesterday's post, but I was waiting for messages to the Royals from my inside contact....Harry's best man and football team Captain. He toasted Harry and Meghan, "My apologies from the rest of the team. They couldn’t all be here today, good luck with Harry. We found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight."
He continued, "I do hope that you and Harry enjoy your honeymoon in Wales. I assume you’re going to Wales. When I asked harry his plans for after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight?
A lot of celebrities were at the royal wedding this today, like Serena Williams and the Spice Girls. But Yanni had to RSVP no. He said, "I think I got the invitation by mistake. This envelope was addressed to Laurel.
The News As I See It: IKEA's launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together!
This Date In History: 1642; The city of Montreal was founded by the French. 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. 1896; The Supreme Court affirmed racial segregation in Plessy v. Ferguson as "separate but equal."
1920; Pope John Paul II was born near Krakow, Poland. 1953; Jacqueline Cochran became the first woman to fly faster than the speed of sound. 1974; India became the 6th country to become a nuclear power. 1980; Mount St. Helens, in Washington state, erupted after being dormant for 123 years.
1994; Israeli troops withdrew from the Gaza strip after three decades of occupation and Palestinians took over. 2000; A bill was finally passed that removed the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse. 2004; Sonia Gandhi stunned her party, the Indian National Congress, by refusing to accept the prime ministership of India.
Picture Of The Day: Meghan and her mother
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was really sweating. 2) According to Webster's dictionary, Duckling means "little duck".
As a result, I no longer eat dumplings. 3) Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song "Kokomo." 4) I wonder why women don't get a wax during an epidural? it's genius and there's a ton of time to kill anyway. 5) If you don't think learning to spell is important, order a fragrance using the word "colon" instead of "cologne" on Ebay.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 18th : Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!!
Birthdays: Omar Khayyam, poet and mathematician 1048, Bertrand Russell, philosopher 1872, Margot Fonteyn, ballerina 1919, John Paul II, pope (1978–2005) 1920, Reggie Jackson
baseball player 1946.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"
The drunk mumbles, "Yessh! Ssomebody sstole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" The drunk replies, "It wasss on the end of thisshh key."
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six." The judge then said, "I will give you six days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
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The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash, that they announced that they are going to solicit corporate sponsors. Soon, sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. So, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack!
Hillary Clinton remarked that the Egypt Air crash appeared to be terrorism. She said the incident reinforces the need for strong American leadership. Frankly, I'm surprised she didn't put the blame on a video like she did with Benghazi.
Donald Trump was officially endorsed today by the National Rifle Association (NRA). The NRA's endorsement comes significantly earlier in the election cycle than previous endorsements by the group. The group did not endorse 2012 GOP nominee Mitt Romney until October 2012.
The News As I See It: Despite Hillary Clinton's promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.
According to a new report, Spain's federal debt is now greater than their gross domestic product. Spanish citizens are so upset, they could barely sleep all afternoon.
Bernie Sanders won Oregon. It's funny with Oregon. If recreational marijuana is legal in your state, you can pretty much guarantee Bernie will win it.
Democrats are concerned that Sanders' campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I'm 74 years old. I'm surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don't ruin this for me.”
Wendy's has implemented its own invasion. The company is set to debut computerized self-service kiosks in 6,000 of its restaurants this year. It's cheaper than paying morons to flip burgers for $15 an hour.
This Date In History: 1506;
Christopher Columbus died in Spain.
1861;
North Carolina voted to secede from the Union.
1927;
Charles Lindbergh began the first solo nonstop transatlantic flight, departing from Long Island aboard the Spirit of Saint Louis.
1932;
Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland to become the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.
1961;
A mob attacked a busload of "freedom riders" in Montgomery, Ala., setting the bus on fire.
1978;
Mavis Hutchinson, 53, became the first woman to run across America. The 3,000-mile trek took her 69 days. She ran an average of 45 miles each day.
1996;
In a 6-3 vote, the Supreme Court rejected a Colorado measure banning laws that protect homosexuals from discrimination.
2002;
East Timor became the what was then the world's newest nation.
Picture Of The Day: The eagle votes.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding.....I like the show. Besides, she's buried in the woods.
2) I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself. 3) My friend told me that she went to the doctor this morning and she has mono. In this day and age, I think she should have surround sound. 4) My buddy told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk. 5) Th ..... and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 20: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.
Birthdays: William Thornton, architect 1759, Dolley Madison, American First Lady 1768, Honoré de Balzac, novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher 1806, James Stewart, actor 1908, Moshe Dayan, military leader 1915, Cher, actress, pop star 1946.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.
The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."
The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Two elderly folks, Murray and Rose, lived in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.
He called in Rose and said, "Rose, you know Murray has already suffered two heart attacks." Rose said, "I don't care. I love him and I want to get married."
The doctor called in Murray and said, "Look, Murray, I know you want to get married, but I must tell you that Rose has acute angina." Murray said, "I know. She's got great tits too!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
When asked to comment on the arrest, Barry Hussein Soetero-Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"
She continued, "Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts, yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say bite me. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
FBI officials have confirmed that the mass shootings in San Bernadino was an act of terror, a fact that everyone in America already knew. Obama has been notified via his usual sources, Facebook and Twitter.
The FBI is also investigating whether Pakistan-born Tashfeen Malik radicalized her husband Syed Farook in the two years after their marriage. Reports are that the 27-year-old Malik also pledged allegiance to the leader of ISIS on Facebook before the couple went on the killing spree.
Prior to this afternoon's announcement, Obama had said that it was possible that the attack, where 14 people were killed and 17 others injured, was terrorist related. He said, "It is also possible this was workplace-related. We don’t know why they did it."
Clearly, Obama is an idiot who is quick to call "racism" when a Black is killed yet does not have the balls to call these assholes radical Islamic terrorists. I guess he doesn't want to offend his relatives.
The News As I See It: Donald Trump said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN said, "We don't have $5 million. We'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours.... Oh my God, where do we send the check?"
In an interview with Charlie Rose, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, "And especially they can't bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don't even think of sending money there, this weekend."
Yahoo reports that among its top searches of the year are Minecraft and the Kardashian family. Both of them were searched under the phrase, "two-dimensional, brightly colored tools."
Last year, a man was able to get past the Secret Service and speak with Obama by pretending to be a congressman. The Secret Service realized he wasn’t a congressman because he was willing to be seen with Obama.
This Date In History: 1783;
George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City.
1816;
James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States.
1875;
William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country.
1945;
The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations.
1978;
Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor.
1991;
Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon.
1993;
Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52.
2003;
Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.
Picture Of The Day: This week, during Obama's continuing rhetoric about climate change (formerly known as global warming), the chosen one mentioned rising seas and fish swimming in the streets of Miami.
Unfortunately, this was just an old Al Gore discredited report and, once again, Obama looked like a fool.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When a woman says, "I can't even begin tell you how upset I am right now", just wait 3 seconds.
2) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels! 3) I missed my turn into my driveway yesterday and ended up at the local bar a few blocks over. 4) "Walk it off" does not apply to everything. For example, you can't walk off stupidity unless it's into oncoming traffic. 5) As I walk past the duck pond, the big white ugly duck with the red thing on his head eyes me ominously. I find myself nervously clutching my newly bought loaf of bread. I may run.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 4th: The right moment could come at any time. Be cuddly today and as fluffy as possible. The stars are looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of future relationships. It's possible that women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're eating cookies.
Birthdays: John Cotton, clergyman 1584, Thomas Carlyle, essayist, historian 1795, Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1865, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, singer and musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".
Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!"
His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
With a hurt look, she said, "You would?"
His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?"
She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new." The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "This kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
That's it for today, my little missile toes. Remember, of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
