Where's Bob Costas When You Need Him?

From CNN Blogs comes the following promo: "On the heels of a second NFL player losing his life in an off-the-field incident, tonight Piers Morgan welcomes Bob Costas to offer his insightful perspective and peerless expertise on the social dynamics pulsating through America's most popular sports league."

Huh? "Insightful perspective and peerless expertise"? Are we talking about the same Bob Costas (Ph.D.?) who recently had an on-air tirade on subject matter he clearly doesn't understand? How about some "insightful perspective" on the cause of death of Dallas Cowboy linebacker Jerry Brown?

No gun was involved Saturday when Dallas Cowboy defensive tackle Josh Brent was apparently at the wheel in an accident that killed practice squad linebacker Jerry Brown, so NBC’s Bob Costas– and for that matter Kansas City sports writer Jason Whitlock – provided no diatribe about a "drunk driving culture."

Bob Costas observed Sunday that, "Drinking and driving is a societal problem to be sure, but it's perhaps even more difficult to understand when it involves a football player. There are systems in place, including a 'safe rides' program through the NFL Players Association, to help prevent situations like the one that ended Brown's life. Any NFL player can just pick up a phone and arrange a ride, if he feels he's impaired."

In the interim, Jerry Brown is just as dead as if he had been shot and Brent is facing criminal charges.

The News As I See It: Prince William's wife, Kate, has been released from the hospital after suffering from severe morning sickness. Doctors told her take it easy, no strenuous activity, and don't go to work. In other words, just act like a member of the royal family.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has committed to appearing in at least one new "Terminator" movie. In the next movie, Arnold from the future will time travel to the past and tell Arnold from the past to wear a condom.

The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap.

It's Christmas in New York City or as shoplifters call it, "the show." Everybody's in a good mood in New York. I saw two strangers there sharing a cab. One took the tires, one took the radio.

The "world's oldest woman",116 years old, passed away. That title is cursed. Her last words were, "My chute won't open!"

There are now 20 million people in America who do yoga, none of whom ever shut up about the fact that they do yoga.

This Date In History: 1817; Mississippi became the 20th state in the United States. 1869; The territory of Wyoming authorized women to vote and hold office. 1901; The first Nobel Prizes were awarded in Stockholm, Sweden, in the fields of physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace.

1948; The United Nations General Assembly adopted its Universal Declaration on Human Rights. 1950; Dr. Ralph Bunche became the first black to receive a Nobel Peace Prize. 1964; Martin Luther King received the Nobel Peace Prize.

1999; Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee was arrested and charged with stealing classified information. 2004; A U.S. passenger jet landed in Vietnam, the first one to do so since the Vietnam War ended nearly three decades earlier.

Picture Of The Day: The puppy has decided to adopt the cat, much to the cat's chagrin. It's just a front, though. Cats adore attention.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. You never know what's going to burn your ass. 2) NASA would be a lot more popular if once in a while they'd fight some Klingons. 3) If you quit school, just remember two things. You tried your best and I don't like pickles on my Big Mac. 4) Old age in the 21st century is when Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 5) The old gray males, they ain't what they used to be !.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 10th: Halitosis can be very offensive, especially if the person with bad breath is trying to spell the word "halitosis" in a confined space. Keep Tic-Tacs in your pocket to offer the person with the bad breath. If the aroma lingers, take one yourself.

Birthdays: Thomas Gallaudet, educator of the deaf 1787, Emily Dickinson, American poet 1830, Melvil Dewey, library pioneer 1851, Chet Huntley, news broadcaster 1911, Dorothy Lamour, actress 1914, Douglas Kenney, humorist 1947, Kenneth Branagh, actor, director 1960, Raven-Symoné, actress, singer 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a "Romney for President" button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union official. The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?" The bartender replies, "Nope, he owns the place."

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career so they decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father said, "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

A clergyman was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

Barack Obama walks into a Washington, D.C. bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

That's it for today, my little missle toes. Remember, you can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember The Veterans !

The USS West Virginia

On December 7th, 1941, the nation of Japan made the fatal mistake of bombing Pearl Harbor killing 2,402 and injuring 1,402 Americans. This deliberate action woke a sleeping giant and Japan surrendered in defeat after two atomic bombs were dropped on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

Please take the time today to remember the dead and wounded in this devastating attack and remember the heroes, both past and present of the United States armed forces.

The USS Arizona

Shades of Deja Vu: Wednesday's journal detailed Forbes 11 financial "death spiral" states and I mentioned that I was surprised that Michigan was not on the list due to the failing ghetto cities of Detroit and Lansing. Last evening, Michigan passed the right-to-work law (which prevents unions from forcing workers to join the union) making it the 24th state in the nation to pass this type of law.

Democrats are complaining that the law was passed by a lame-duck legislature in the "dark of night". Yeah, exactly the same way the democrats passed Obamacare. What goes around, comes around.....

The News As I See It: In Washington, Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: "Running Deficit." Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. Now it belongs to the Chinese, so the Indian tribes are furious about that. There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey.

Mercedes is developing technology to let you look at Facebook on your car windshield. It's perfect for everyone who wants to get hit by an oncoming 18-wheeler.

McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month or as the Mayans put it, "Hey, we tried to warn you."

Hugh Hefner is engaged. Hefner is 86 years old and his fiancée, Crystal, is 26 years old. It's one of those May-December things. He may not make it until December. Hugh is ready for the honeymoon, though. He is already hooked up to a Cialis drip. Police are already ruling it a suicide.

The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.

The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, "Fine, just try logging on to your computers now."

Hanukkah begins this Saturday. As you know, Hanukkah is the Jewish holiday that lasts for eight different spellings.

This Date In History: 1787; Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1917; The U.S. declared war on Austria-Hungary in World War I. 1941; The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

1972; America's final moon mission, Apollo 17, blasted off from Cape Canaveral. 1975; Indonesia invaded East Timor, leading to a 25-year occupation. 1988; A 6.9 magnitude earthquake hit Armenia, killing 25,000.

2001; Taliban forces fled from Kandahar, their last stronghold in Afghanistan. 2002; Iraq formally declared to the UN that it had no weapons of mass destruction. 2004; Hamid Karzai was sworn in as Afghanistan's first popularly elected president.

Picture Of The Day: Yep, it's a lovely picture during courtship except that once the lioness is out of heat and pregnant, the male disappears leaving mom to take care of the kids.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, call them up later when you’re drunk. 2) If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons. 3) You may think that the human race is advanced, but when was the last time you saw a monkey worrying about his finances? 4) With Obama's economy taking us down the tubes, some people can no longer afford doctors. Here's a tip: Just go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al-Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. 5) If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies very quietly.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 5th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: Richard Warren Sears, merchant 1863, Willa Cather, novelist 1873, Ted Knight, actor 1923, Noam Chomsky, educator and linguist 1928, Ellen Burstyn, actress 1932, Harry Chapin, songwriter, singer 1942, Reginald Lewis, business leader 1942, Tom Waits, songwriter, singer, actor 1949, Larry Bird, basketball player 1956, Aaron Carter, singer 1987.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look" and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. She said, "Look, I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children" and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is going on? An attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children?" Then he got a little panicky. He didn't remember her, but maybe during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

With a horrified look on her face, she answered, "No, I'm your son's second grade teacher."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said. "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?"  She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

He said, "Let me see." she said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you. You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

"No, I said there's a lion behind you!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" Nancy replied tearfully without looking up, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."

The concerned neighbor asked, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." Little Johnny asks, "But Grandpa, why?" Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you always have to write to the same person."

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little girl to do the first test. She blindfolded her, put a Hershey kiss in her mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" The little girl answered, "No, I don't."

The teacher said, "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, from the back of the room, Little Johnny yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass."

That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, be aware of the fact that someone has been inviting a lot of old people to class reunions. I'm going to AREA 51 and see what's happening.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Forbes: Eleven States On Financial "Death Spirals"

Thinking about buying a house or a municipal bond? Be careful where you put your money. Don’t put it in a state at high risk of a fiscal tailspin. Eleven states made Forbes list of danger spots for investments. They can look forward to a rising tax burden, deteriorating state finances and an exodus of businesses and employers.

Two factors determine whether a state makes this elite list of fiscal losers. The first is whether it has more takers than makers. A taker is someone who draws money from the government, as an employee, pensioner or welfare recipient. A maker is someone gainfully employed in the private sector.

Forbes published listed its of 11 "death spiral" states, which are states that people with any instinct of financial self-preservation might do well to steer clear of in the next few years.

The taker states are California, New Mexico, Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina, Illinois, Kentucky, Ohio, New York, and Maine. There is no connection between blue and red states on this study.

Alabama is a state which I consider marginally included as many of the residents are military retirees who received earned benefits for their service as well as social security.

Michigan, on the other hand, avoided the list due to a state balanced budget amendment (read fuzzy math). This amazes me as Detroit has become one giant ghetto and is only months away from bankruptcy. Business flight to neighboring cities and states is unbelievable. Lansing has a similar problem as well.

Chicago has been corrupt since day one and with the highest murder rate in the nation (although Washington D.C is very close) businesses are folding and leaving left and right. This is the city that gave us Barry Soetero aka Barack Obama.

You may have noticed that music is back on my journal. The particular site that I'm using is a bit temperamental and the current playlist is limited. But fear not, my little iPods, I will continue to add to the last and improve it.  

The News As I See It: Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting. Kate is said to be very nervous about childbirth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard. They don't know whether it's going to be a boy or a girl, but they do know it's not going to work a day in its life. One day that child could grow up to be one of the most powerful unemployed people in the world.

Snooki from "NewJersey Shore" says she wants to give baby advice to Kate Middleton. Her number one tip is to try to find out who the father is.

The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their "For the last time, we're not Muslim" campaign.

Just three weeks until Christmas, so CBS got into the Christmas spirit by showing the heartwarming family classic, "The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show." Some people say "The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" serves no purpose other than showing sexy women and using them to bolster ratings. Those people are called "correct."

Hugh Hefner is getting engaged again. The engagement between 86-year-old Hefner and his 26-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris is back on. They were engaged before and she broke it off eight days before the wedding. Well they have worked it out. I guess she has agreed to sign a pre-nup, but only if he agrees to sign the “do not resuscitate” order." He said today about his fiancée, "I've fallen for her and I can't get up."

Facebook has announced that it will not be developing any of its own games and will continue to rely on outside companies. Facebook can still take credit for that one popular game: "Guess who gotten fat since high school?"

President Clinton and Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was and Obama said, "It's a toss up between my Chicago mentality and Joe Biden."

This Date In History: 1776; The first scholastic fraternity in America, Phi Beta Kappa, was organized at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Va. 1791; Composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart died in Vienna, Austria, at age 35.

1848; President Polk triggered the Gold Rush of 1848 by confirming that gold had been discovered in California. 1872; Having left New York on Nov. 5, the brigantine Mary Celeste was found adrift off Portugal with everyone aboard mysteriously missing.

1933; The 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing prohibition, was ratified. 1955; The American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merged to form the AFL-CIO.

2002; At Sen. Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday celebration, Senate Republican leader Trent Lott praised Thurmond's 1948 segregationist presidential bid. Lott subsequently resigned his leadership position.

Picture Of The Day: How cute is this? Whoever created this has a fantastic imagination as well as a keen sense of humor.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What television advertising needs today is just a few more over-the-hill celebrities shilling reverse mortgages. 2) Politicians have "kicked the can" down the road for so long that we're now near the "fiscal cliff." You'd think that these morons could come up with more clever sayings just before they bankrupt the nation. It won't be long before they're just saying "Yo Momma!" 3) The inventor of the doorbell did not own a Chihuahua. 4) Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!  5) Don't you just hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her purse and it doesn't match what you're wearing?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 5th: You may come up with a number of interesting ways to spend your money, including Christmas shopping. If you haven’t yet started, I suggest you get busy unless you want to be mugged again like you were on Black Friday. Keep all receipts in case you need to take anything back. Remember that you're not known to have the best taste when selecting gifts.

Birthdays: Martin Van Buren, 8th president of the United States 1782, Christina Rossetti, poet 1830, George Armstrong Custer, American military officer 1839, Bill Pickett, cowboy, rodeo star 1870, Walt Disney, film producer 1901, Strom Thurmond, U.S. senator 1902, Otto Preminger, director, producer 1906, Little Richard, musician 1932, Joan Didion, writer 1934, Frankie Muniz, actor 1985.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh.....no, I didn't know that."

The lawyer says, "Secondly, did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

The lawyer continues, "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." The lawyer replies, "So......if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Skip and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." The woman says, "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" 

The doctor says, "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." The woman asks, "Like this?" The doctor says, "A little more..." The woman asks,  "Like this?"

The doctor says, "Yes. Does that hurt?" The woman replies, "A little bit." The doctor says, "Okay, now stretch it over your head!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,  every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

That's it for today, my little sleigh belles. Remember, some days, life just seems like bunches of "it seemed like a good idea at the time" strung together. It's time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

But Wait, There's More !

My distaste for products sold on TV with the infamous price of "only $19.95" continues as the holidays approach. When I hear the words, "But wait! There's more!", I usually switch channels. They go on to say they're giving "two" products for the same price followed by "just pay separate shipping and handling" (e.g. another $19.95).

Why can't they send the two products in one package? I'm assuming they're making more money sending them separately (duh). But fret not, my little ducklings, there's a "money back guarantee for the life of the product." That is, of course, unless the selling entity is a shell corporation created solely for that particular product. In that case their "guarantee" is worthless because they transfer the assets to yet another corporation.

"Not sold In stores." Of course not. Can you imagine hundreds of angry customers making a run on Best Buy, Sears or Walmart? Okay, not so much Walmart. A lot of the crap Walmart sells is comparable to the "only $19.95" products, as well. In Walmart's defense, however, they do have some great prices on national brands. But, I digress.....

I'm sure that Barry Obama's pet project, Solyndra, promised their customers a money back guarantee as well....until they went bankrupt. Oh well, you can't win them all, although it would be nice to see you win one, Mr. Sotero.

The bottom line? Caveat Emptor.......let the buyer beware. Oh, and avoid any product televised for $19.95.

The News As I See It: The big topic continues to be the "fiscal cliff." That’s not a term that normal people use. People don’t relate to that. They should use words people understand like: "We are headed for 'broke-ass mountain'." It's that they need more colorful metaphors. Another way to explain it: "It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel."

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she was arrested for assault in New York City. She punched another woman in the face and knocked her down at a club. This is the closest she has come to a hit in years. But it doesn't look good for Lindsay. Because of her previous arrests, if convicted, she could face some serious jail minutes.

Obama and MittRomney had lunch together at the White House today. In fact, Romney offered to buy Obama lunch but the president said, "No, no it’s on our grandchildren. They’ll take care of it. Don’t even worry about it."

This Date In History: 1818; Illinois became the 21st state in the United States. 1833; Oberlin College in Ohio became the first coed institution of higher learning in the U.S. 1910; Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Science movement, died. 1919; French painter and sculptor Pierre A. Renoir died at age 78.

1967; Dr. Christiaan N. Barnard performed the world's first successful human heart transplant. 1984; A cloud of deadly poison gas leaked from the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India, killing over 4,000 people.

Picture Of The Day: Although self-explanatory, I couldn't help but remember the first time my dad took me fishing....

Teach a kid to fish !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The saddest day of my childhood was when the other kids told Santa Claus I wasn't real. 2) I hate people who say "Age is just a number." Age is clearly a word. 3) My friend Murray is making a Jewish porno film - 10% Sex, 90% guilt. 4) Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you. 5) Times sure have changed. In biblical days, when an ass spoke, it was a miracle.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius December 3rd: During the week things will suddenly seem brighter, more vivid and happier. People you meet will see the difference in you, wondering "Have you had a haircut?", "A facelift?",  "Liposuction?".

The truth will be much simpler and more exciting than they could possibly understand. Yep, after five days and a fleet enema, you had a bowel movement. What a pity that you cannot share the news. 

Birthdays: Gilbert Stuart, painter 1755, Ellen Swallow Richards, chemist and educator 1842, Anna Freud, psychoanalyst 1895, Jean-Luc Godard, film director 1930, Ozzy Osbourne, rock musician 1948, Julianne Moore, actress 1960, Daryl Hannah, actress 1960, Katarina Witt, skater 1965, Brendan Fraser, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk was brought in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost.

The priest asks, "Bishop, would you like a martini?" The Bishop replies, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest says, "Rosary, get the bishop a martini."

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." The man answers, "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." The woman replies, "So you're single!"

They married and after a number of years the man announced his secret to making a marriage last. He said, "Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays and I go Fridays."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman named Jill stood up at her church's testimony meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. Jill went on, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food and can hardly lift anything. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations.

She continued, "He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation and worked his way up to the pulpit, in obvious pain.

He adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation, "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is, "sternum."

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

That's it for today, my little snow angels. Remember, a birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !