Never Forget !

Twelve years ago today, terrorists attacked America on several fronts including two commercial jets that were purposely flown into the World Trade Center, another which crashed into the Pentagon and a fourth, which was being flown toward Washington, D.C. before the brave passengers overpowered the terrorists forcing the plane to crash, killing all aboard.

Since that date, there have been continued terrorists attacks in America, forcing all Americans to adapt to a lifestyle never before imagined. But we, as Americans, will not forget that date and the innocent people who died because of a group of people whose grasp on the meaning of life is questionable, at best.

There will probably be future attacks in one form or another as life, as we once knew it, has been changed forever. I pray for the souls of September 11, 2001 and the innocent people who have been injured or killed in subsequent terrorist attacks of this kind.

  
On September 11th, 2012, terrorists attacked the American embassy in Benghazi, Libya. Four Americans died in the attack, Ambassador Chris Stevens, Information Officer Sean Smith, Security personnel Glen Doherty and Tyrone Woods, both former Navy Seals. The Obama administration declared for several weeks that the attack was a retribution for an anti-Muslim video on YouTube.

According to U.N. ambassador Susan Rice, who (in lieu of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton) immediately appeared on all the Sunday political talk shows saying that, "There was a hateful video that was disseminated on the Internet. It had nothing to do with the United States government and it's one that we find disgusting and reprehensible. It's been offensive to many, many people around the world. That sparked violence in various parts of the world, including violence directed against Western facilities including our embassies and consulates."

Although the Obama administration knew from day one that this was false, they finally admitted it was a terrorist attack. Obama vowed to "bring to justice" the perpetrators of the deadly attack. Obama said his "biggest priority" was bringing the "folks" in Libya responsible for murdering four Americans to "justice."

What difference did the phony YouTube narrative plied by U.N. ambassador Susan Rice, Hillary Clinton and Obama make? As the former deputy chief of mission at the U.S. embassy in Tripoli, Greg Hicks, testified, the damage done was "immeasurable" because it delayed the FBI probe. Classified documents were left unsecured at the compound. Critical time and evidence were squandered.

Well, today is the one year anniversary of the Benghazi attack. The Obama administration has not captured anyone or brought anyone to justice. CNN reported that the Obama administration had charged "several suspects" in the Benghazi attack and that one of them was Ahmed Abu Khattala, reportedly a leader of the Ansar al Sharia militia. Khattala has been interviewed by several media entities, including CNN, yet the Obama administration can't seem to find him.

In the interim, Secretary of State John F. Kerry has reinstated four employees implicated in security lapses in the terrorist attack, drawing sharp rebukes from leading Republicans who said the moves mean nobody has been fired or held accountable.

The bottom line? In Obama's 2012 re-election campaign, he proudly boasted that "al-Qaeda is on the run and Osama Bin Laden is dead." The terrorist attack on Benghazi would have changed that headline to "al-Qaeda is alive and well and Osama bin Laden is dead", which would have hurt him at the polls and his bid for re-election. Thus, the drawn out false narrative until the elections were over.

The News As I See It: You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than Obama's position on Syria. John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t, he'll give them another week.

Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.

Obama addressed the nation on Syria last night, which meant NBC "America's Got Talent" was delayed by "America's Got Problems."

Samsung unveiled its new smart watch. It will go on sale later this month in 140 countries. It's a smartphone wristwatch. Experts say this could revolutionize the way senators play poker at Senate hearings.

New York Fashion Week is in full swing. This is a time when today's hottest models show off all the latest eating disorders.

Tokyo has been named the host of the 2020 Olympics despite concerns about the radiation leak. That explains the Tokyo Olympics official mascot - a three-headed Hello Kitty.

Dennis Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. I think the reason that these two get along is that that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama.
 

Americans killed in Benghazi come home

This Date In History: 1789; Alexander Hamilton was appointed the first Secretary of the Treasury. 1936; President Franklin Delano Roosevelt dedicated Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) in Nevada. 1962; The Beatles recorded their first single, Love Me Do.

1971; Former Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev died at age 77. 1997; In Scotland, voters approved the establishment of a parliament to run their domestic affairs, after 290 years of union with England.

2001; Two hijacked commercial jets were crashed by terrorists into the north and south towers of the World Trade Center in New York City, causing the collapse of both towers. A short while later, another plane was crashed into the Pentagon and a fourth into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

2012 Armed gunmen stormed the American consulate in Benghazi and killed U.S. ambassador to Libya Christopher Stevens and three other embassy officials.

Picture Of The Day: No need for words.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's Jimmy and then there's Drinking Jimmy and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike. 2) The new iphone5 can only be opened using a fingerprint scanner . Great, now when they rob me and steal my iphone, they'll cut off my finger so that they can use the phone. 3) In a car crash, a dog would rescue you. A cat, however, would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court. 4) I don't need anyone in my life who is condescending and using me for food. That's why I have a cat. 5) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush my toilet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 11th: You will overhear gossip today while you are on the toilet. You may have cause to damn your flatulent ways before you hear the really juicy bit. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might feel a bit awkward when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: O. Henry, short-story writer 1862, D. H. Lawrence, author 1885, Paul (Bear) Bryant, football coach 1913, Ferdinand Marcos, Philippine political leader 1917, Tom Landry, football coach 1924, Daniel Kahikina Akaka, U.S. Senator 1924, Brian De Palma, director 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man and his wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and the man kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. His wife asked, "Do you know her?"

He sighed, "Yes, she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." His wife replied, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

She purred, "Want some of this?" Her husband replied, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"

A senior citizen was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing walk in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?" The trainer looked him over and said, "I'd recommend the ATM in the lobby."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. One of the other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?" The man said, "He fell over a log a couple miles up the trail and broke his ankle."

The other hunter said, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" The hunter answered, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one was going to steal Harry."

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

The cop said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" The man said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

That's it for today, my little patriots. Remember, going to war is the only way most Americans can learn geography. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Perfect Polly - A Pet For The Hard Of Understanding

Okay, I was amused when I first saw the "talking bass" some years ago in tv advertisements and, although I wouldn't buy one, I can see where someone might, especially as a joke. The motion activated bass turns its head towards a person, facing them and then wiggles its tail on its trophy plaque and sings songs, such as "Don't Worry, Be Happy".

Another little item, the "dancing flowers" that you see on some car dashboards are cute, as well. I always smile when I happen to pass by a car and see one on someone's dashboard.

Well, now they're (you should pardon the expression) hawking "Perfect Polly" and this one is a bit creepy. It's a motion-activated plastic parakeet that chirps, which I assume brings retirees all the joy of owning a real parakeet without the concerns of feeding or the subsequent mess.

Selling for $14.95, Perfect Polly is made in China. It's "so lifelike, it's the world's perfect pet" and it's real enough to fool grandma! Human companionship is overrated anyway.

The News As I See It: On Tuesday, Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria "a war," he is calling it a "limited military intervention", which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire." Barry cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the situation. That's when you know this is serious.

If Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government , he shouldn't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.
 
John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?

Does everyone have the new iPhone5 yet? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for three or four months.

Football is back. After seven months of waiting, last night's NFL season opener between the Ravens and the Broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. Apparently God said, "No Tebow? No football."

This Date In History: 1776; The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to the United States of America, from the United Colonies. 1850; California became the 31st state.

1893; President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House. 1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America.

1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created. 1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: This is the newest motion activated product on the market. Not the bass. The bass are real. It's the two dummies holding them that begin to brag when someone walks by.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support. 2) There are no absolutes in this world.....except vodka. 3) When you think about it, an octopus is just a wet spider. Where's my damn flippers? 4) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college. 5) The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: You have romance in your heart, but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, with the exception of any sphincters. See, you're already getting mentally prepared for a relationship. Try the new companion website for religious potato chip lovers. It's called Christian Pringles.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1737, William Bligh, British admiral of the famed mutinied ship, the Bounty 1754, Joseph Leidy, scientist 1823, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.
 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe you'll do it several times a day."

The grandfather continued, "Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." The young man asked, "What's oral sex?"

Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage."

He continued, "I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee into the toilet, throw my shoes on the floor, undress, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'Who's horny?!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so. I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

That's it for today, my little pixie sticks. Remember, if you have a headache, eating a carrot can help, if you take two Advil right after it.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Florida Keys

The Florida Keys are probably one of the nicest places to get away from it all. There's so much to do and the amazing places to be seen are enumerable. Living within a one hour drive to the Middle Keys, I've spent a lot of time swimming, fishing, partying and generally enjoying the Florida sunshine.

The locals are also part of the atmosphere and, for the most part, they're always fun to be around. As a rule, you'll usually run into someone you know and I've met several musicians and celebrities in the Keys, including former World Champion boxer Alexis Arguello, among others.

My preference has always been the middle keys as Key West proper is more of a tourist area than a good place to hang out and relax. Nevertheless, you have to go once and decide for yourself.

I owned a condo with some friends there for many years, but circumstances changed and I had to sell. Nevertheless the memories remain and, unfortunately, some of the stories can't be repeated...at least until the statute of limitations expire.

Suffice to say, there were some crazy times with some fairly crazy (and caring) people back in the day and I keep their fond memories close to me. If you ever have the chance to vacation in the Florida Keys, I highly recommend it.

The News As I See It: John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Even worse, it was strip poker. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what politicians like Anthony Weiner are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad.

Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.

Thursday was the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah and the first day of the NFL season. In other words, a lot of NFL players had to start the season without their lawyers.

Obama has been saying all week that he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn’t really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said, "Yes and no."

Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he's right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal — that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.

Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.

The new cast of "Dancing With the Stars" has been announced. As is the custom, Obama introduced the new cast at a press conference on the White House lawn.

This Date In History: 1901; President William McKinley was shot by anarchist Leon Czolgosz at the Pan American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. McKinley died on September 14th. 1941; Nazi Germany required all Jews over the age of six to wear a yellow Star of David on their clothes.

1995; Baseball player Cal Ripken, Jr., broke Lou Gehrig's iron man record by playing in his 2,131st straight game. 1997; More than 2 billion people watched Princess Diana's funeral on TV.

1998; Japanese movie director Akira Kurosawa died in Tokyo at age 88. 2007; Italian operatic tenor Luciano Pavarotti died at age 71.

Picture Of The Day: Under the water today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 2) So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence. 3) Hey!.... Geese crossing the road!.... You can fly!....... 4) Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the vault. She's kinky, but at least she's into safe sex......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 6th: The stars are pretty much describing a situation where a self-prescribed course of celibacy may help you regain the confidence that is lacking in your love life. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you find yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: Marquis de Lafayette, French general and political leader 1757, John Dalton scientist 1766, Catherine Beecher educator 1800, Jane Addams social worker 1860, Joseph P. Kennedy financier 1888, Claire Lee Chennault general 1890, Jane Curtin actress 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, with both hands, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. He asked, "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the damned jar open."

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." The boy replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby and Linda from Washington State for their contributions to today's stories.

A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub. A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt." The genie says, "You're a crafty bastard, aren't you."

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation But I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll screw her again!'

That's it for today, my little water lilies. Remember, dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Life's A Bitch And Then You Die

Ariel Castro is dead. I could care less! The cost of keeping his sorry ass alive is paid for by tax payers and we just saved a ton of money. Convicted of kidnapping and raping three women, as well as murder, Castro committed suicide in his prison cell Tuesday night.

Castro held three women in his Cleveland home for about a decade. He hanged himself with a bedsheet. He was being held at the Correctional Reception Center in Orient.

Prison medical staff tried to revive him but failed. Castro was taken to The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead at 10:52 p.m. Life's a bitch and then you die.

Labor Day turned out to be a rather extended afternoon barbecue and party for me and afterward, I decided a nap was in order. I awoke from my nap Tuesday morning at 4 am, thus eliminating any chance to publish my journal on Monday.

That said, you may notice that I am publishing "This Date In History" and "Birthdays" for both Monday and today.

The News As I See It: Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.

Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.

John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone during the hearing on Syria. I thought, "John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?"

Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida without using a shark cage. She swam all the way from Cuba to Miami......accompanied by five Cuban baseball pitchers. It took endurance, perseverance and some pretty lazy sharks.

About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn't that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we screw that up.

They're making the first smartphone that's not made overseas in Texas. It's also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun.

Leaders from the NAACP met with leaders from the KKK. After seven hours of talks both sides agreed that they don't really care for Bryant Gumbel.

This Date In History:

September 2nd: 1666; The great fire of London broke out, destroying much of the city, including St. Paul's Cathedral. 1789; The U.S. Treasury Department was established.

1901; Vice President Theodore Roosevelt gave his "speak softly and carry a big stick" speech, regarding foreign policy, at the Minnesota State Fair.

1945; Japan's formal surrender in World War II was celebrated as Victory over Japan (V-J) Day. 1945; Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam an independent republic.

1963; Alabama governor George Wallace prevented the racial integration of Tuskegee High School by encircling the building with state troopers. 1969; North Vietnamese president Chi Minh died.

September 4th 1781; The city of Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers. 1888; George Eastman patented his roll-film camera and registered the Kodak trademark.

1951; President Harry S. Truman inaugurated transcontinental television service in the U.S. when AT&T carried his address to the opening session of the Japanese Peace Convention in San Francisco.

1957; Nine black students attempted to enter Little Rock's Central High School but were blocked by the National Guard. Arkansas governor Orval Faubus had summoned the federal troops.

1972; U. S. swimmer Mark Spitz won a record seventh gold medal at the Munich Summer Olympics

Picture Of The Day: Domino the cat.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't always drink tequila but when I do, I always wonder where the hell are my car keys and clothes? 2) She said, "I am Mother, hear me roar".....as her kids flew a kite made out of her granny panties down the street. 3) We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood. 4) I've removed swimming with dolphins from my bucket list, mainly because I don't swim well and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal. 5) If a tree falls in the woods, it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 4th: Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there.

Birthdays:

September 2nd; Liliuokalani, last reigning queen of the Hawaiian Islands 1828, Wilhelm Ostwald physical chemist 1853, Andrew Grove engineer, technology executive 1936, Peter V. Ueberroth businessman 1937, Terry Bradshaw football quarterback 1948, Christa McAuliffe teacher 1948, Keanu Reeves actor 1964 Salma Hayek actress 1966

September 4th; Francois Rene Chateaubriand, writer 1768, Donald McKay, shipbuilder 1810, Anton Bruckner, composer 1824, Mary Renault, novelist 1905, Mitzi Gaynor, actress, dancer 1931, Ray Floyd, golfer 1942, Tom Watson, golfer 1949, Beyonce Knowles, singer, dancer, actor 1981.

AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

Miss Bea replied, "Oh, yes, isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.

The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:

1. Open a new folder in your computer.
2. Name it "Barack Obama".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. The PC will ask: ‘Do you want to get rid of "Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better? Good! – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi.

While acquainting himself with a new elderly female patient, the doctor asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years.....when my husband was alive."

That's it for today, my little apple tarts. Remember, bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !