"Watching" The Radio

Yep, back in the day, we "watched" the radio. Why? Because 90 percent of the population didn't own a TV and half the people weren't even aware of its existence. So we listened to shows like The Jack Benny Show, Dragnet, Amos and Andy and more.

Before television, the radio was the popular means of getting the news, listening to music and most importantly, listening to your favorite radio show. On Saturday nights, my parents would turn on the radio around 7:00 p.m. and we would listened to the various shows. I use the term "listen" but, in fact, we literally watched the radio as the show progressed.

The radio was a piece of fine furniture and was positioned in the living room much in the same way as today's television sets are positioned. Our radio was an RCA Victor and the top lifted up to use the turntable to play records. All of our records were 78's and rarely had more than two songs on one side. Woe be unto the child who dropped a record because in those days, the record would shatter and break.

The Jack Benny Show was the number one show of the day, but there were many more memorable shows on the radio. Other great shows included: My Little Margie, The Green Hornet, the FBI and the inimitable sounds of Inner Sanctum.

My favorite show was the Lone Ranger which thankfully came on at seven o'clock. I wasn't always able to listen to all the shows because bedtime was nine o'clock. Many a night after being tucked into bed by my mom, I would sneak out of bed, lie down next to the bedroom door and listen to the radio shows. I also woke up on the floor many times as well as I fell asleep listening to the radio.

Radio days of the past are just a memory now, but one would use one's imagination and literally visualize the shows and the characters. Although today's technology offers an abundance of innovative ideas and products, the art of imagination, alas, has fallen by the wayside for most people. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car.

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.

This Date In History: 1845; Florida became the 27th state in the United States. 1875; Georges Bizet's opera Carmen debuted in Paris, to cool audience reception and panned by critics. 1879; Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood became the first woman lawyer to be admitted to appear before the Supreme Court of the United States.

1918; Germany, Austria, and Russia signed the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. 1931; The "Star-Spangled Banner" was adopted as the national anthem. 1991; Rodney King's vicious beating by Los Angeles police officers was caught on videotape.

2000; Former dictator Augusto Pinochet returned to Chile after being detained in Britain on torture charges. 2003; New embassies opened in Kenya and Tanzania, to replace those lost in the 1998 terrorist bombings.

Picture Of The Day: Saturday nights were social nights and the family gathered around the radio to listen to the programs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 2) I changed the mat at my front door to read: Welcome (except for spiders). 3) When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough. 4) Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet.  5) If you want to find out if the FBI or the NSA is listening to your call, sing "Sweet Caroline" and if more than one voice responds with "bum bum bum", then you'll know.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March : Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Chances of romance are 71 percent. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Birthdays: George M. Pullman, industrialist 1831, Alexander Graham Bell, American Inventor 1847, Matthew Ridgway,  U.S. general 1895, Jean Harlow, actress 1911, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, athlete 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband forgot his wedding anniversary and had been given the silent treatment for a few days, so he decided to try to make it up to his wife and bought her a bunch of cheap flowers from the local gas station.

He got home to find his wife cleaning up in the kitchen. He put the flowers down on the counter-top next to her. The wife took a sideways glance at the half dead offering and sarcastically said,"I suppose you want me to open my legs for those." The husband turns to her and says, "You can love, but I think they'd look better in a vase....."

A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray and Rose are senior citizens and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Rose, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Rose says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Murray goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Rose, do you notice anything different?" Rose says, "What's different, Murray? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Murray yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!" Rose replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

That's it for today, my little poochies. Remember, Smart Cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Aging Is Like Trying To Keep A 1949 Ford Running

At what point in life does the body decide it's time to begin to thin your hair and change the color to grey? Seemingly, at the same time, it also decides to begin to grow hair out of every possible orifice on your face at a growth rate that's eerily alarming.

Whatever the reason, the body, for its own security, must feel that if the eyes open one day and see the person in the mirror with completely grey hair, it will signal the brain that surely someone is terribly wrong. So the body uses a slow but sure sneak attack.

It begins when you find that first grey hair, which to some degree, amuses you. Little by little, the body throws in another grey hair here, one there, thinning the hair on its merry way and the next thing you know, you hair is referred to as "salt and pepper."

Women, on the other hand, usually become somewhat hysterical at the sight of a grey hair, which accounts for the billions of dollars earned yearly by cosmetic companies.

Then, one day, you notice that your nose hair, which you normally groom weekly, now has a growth rate of about a half inch a day and oddly, hair now begins to grow out of your ears at the same rate. So, now you have parts of your head trying to grow through your thinning hair and the hair growth process has accelerated and moved to your nose and ears.

Thoughts of "Just For Men" begin to grow in your mind until one day, you go for the old "touch up". Now, for the first time in your life, you experience and live through the term "chemical burn" which abruptly ends the hair coloring plan. You suddenly begin to admire women who suffer through this process.

Finally, the body's "coup d'etat" is that one hair, expertly hidden by the body in a remote area that your eyes rarely see, which is roughly five inches long. Once found and cut, this "wild hair" now grows even more rampantly and the first real signs of life in "the home" begins to be a realization in your mind's eye. Trust me, I know. I've escaped three times.....

The News As I See It: If you want to go to the Super Bowl this year, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is obscene. Do people not know the game is on television this year?

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, "where's my watch?" Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years, but from time to time, he did get a bit snippy.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838; Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph.

1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States. 1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, N.Y. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars.

1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding.

Picture Of The Day: I may be getting older, but I'm still proud to be an American.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave. 2) Kudos to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as everyone is giving up on New Year resolutions. 3) Even when I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to like French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.  5) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 6th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Alexander Hamilton, statesman 1755, Ezra Cornell, financier 1807, Sir John Macdonald, statesman 1815, Alice Paul, activist 1885, Alan Paton, novelist 1903, Jean Chrétien, politician 1934, Mary J. Blige, singer, songwriter 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replied, Okay, "I’ll tell it slowly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Once more, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

That's it for today, my little New Year's resolution breakers. Remember, a chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Dr. Phil's Answer To Inner Peace

I don't watch Dr. Phil because he's a moron but he recently said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things you have started. So, I finished off a bottle of scotch, a bag of Cheetos and some left-over pizza. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

The News As I See It: Green Party candidate, Jill Stein, was escorted off the Hofstra University campus Monday afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of Monday’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, "Don’t you know who I am?" and they said, "No. No one does."

Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began. 1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal."

1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days. 1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia.

1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations. 1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: The first presidential debate has both parties claiming victory. I saw it as a draw. As for the moderator, NBC's Lester Holt, I found him biased towards Hilary Clinton.

The moderator's job is not an easy task, nevertheless is bias was obvious. Although Holt is a registered republican, it's easy to see why he works for the liberal NBC.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A woman once told me that her philosophy about life was that if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. 2) By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and two years in the left turn lane. 3) You know you're addicted to the Internet when you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 4) Why did World War II Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 5) Last night, I forgot to turn on the oven. The food was in there for 45 minutes. I know, because I set the timer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this sentence comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscopes. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter 1573,(?) Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot, actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-irmingham". The speech therapist said, "That's no use, Trevor. Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- aisley"... The therapist said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". The speech therapist said, "Brilliant, Paddy!" and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "--d--d--d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home, he apologized to his wife, "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

His wife yelled, "You think you've had a bad day? You think you've had a bad day? The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Tyrone was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, if it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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The Spicoli Syndrome: Hollywood Political Views

Movie studios make about 600 movies a year. A few are good, most are garbage. Yet, they spout their liberal views and most conservatives get blacklisted if they disagree. Hollywood should concentrate on making a decent movie, not politics.

Every new movie ad is replete with guns, zombies, explosions, car crashes and, more importantly, the certainty of a mindless plot (id est, young people will love it). 

Toyota and General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly.....The End. Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about:

Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

The News As I See It: Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress...Hillary Clinton.

According to Hillary’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.

Experts say Hillary’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.

Donald Trump first came out with guns blazing, saying he's going to kick all the Mexicans out, he's going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.

Trump is not only reaching out to the Hispanic vote, he's been reaching out to the black community. He says he loves African-Americans. In fact, some of his best credit cards are black.

Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say, "Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January."

Olympian Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station.

An ex-NFL quarterback was arrested after being found naked with meth and marijuana. In other words, he’s back in the NFL.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote went into effect.

1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: Transparency.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month, she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 2) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4 3) My new answering service recording: "Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 30 minute flute solo." 4) I get high before I get my drivers license picture taken. That way, I look normal if I'm pulled over. 5) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope:Virgo - August 26th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little replied, "Then you ask him."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! I don't wake up 'til eleven."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" The Angel replied, "Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

That's it for today, my little pet rocks. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. The pending possible hurricane notwithstanding, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Nascar Night Racing At Bristol Motor Speedway

Bedlam...chaos. It's about the only way you can describe 40 cars racing around a banked, half mile track at high speed for 500 laps. It's been compared to fighter jets flying in a gymnasium. Fender rubbing, crashes, every man for himself short track racing.

The infinity series will race tonight, a prelude to tomorrow night's 500 lap race. But don't let the word "prelude" fool you. Tonight's race will be just as intense as tomorrow night's race and I guarantee you that every driver in tomorrow night's race will be watching how the cars handle.

The track has been changed a bit as the inside groove has been recondition to encourage more racing on the bottom. So, every driver will be going to school on the changes.

Because of the Rio Olympics, tonight's race will be televised on the USA channel at 7:30 pm and tomorrow night's race will be on NBCSN at 8 pm. If you've never seen Nascar short track racing, this weekend will be a great time to watch.

The heaviest element known to science is Congressarium. This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

There are two types on Congressarium. One has has a half-life of two years and the other has a half life of six years. It slowly decays but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization. Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

The News As I See It: According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. It seems logical to me. With the morons running around trying to catch Pokémon, I'm shocked they aren't getting any action.

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer

1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow. 1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86.

2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: The night will be exciting.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When most men get married, they learn that they had thousands of faults they didn't even know about. 2) When a man and a woman are having sex and they finish at the same exact time, is it wrong to say, "Jinx, you owe me a coke?" 3) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking ought to do it.

4) Many chose the path less traveled, but most of them are mainly just lost. 5) The principle differences between a philosophy student, an engineering student and a liberal arts student is that the philosophy student asks, "Why?", the engineering student asks, "How?" and the liberal arts student asks, "Do you want fries with that?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: Avoid all sexy language until after your lunch break. Remember that love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, by the time you get to yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: John Dryden, poet, dramatist, and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton William, 42nd President of the United States 1946,  Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force."

He continued, "I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company" The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "No matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Let's have a cup of coffee, then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we will have one more year of unemployment."

That's it for today, my little teddy bears. Remember, there is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !